Expert: Dana Q - 6/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: Recently, a friend of mine gave me some information on abusive behaviors
with lists of signs of the different types of abuse. Out of the 19 (15 being
emotional abuse) that were listed with the descriptions, my husband has 11
of the abusive behaviors.
I broke down the list in  my own journal with all of my husbands actions,
grouped them together with the name of each type next to it.
On the bottom of the page I also wrote down what the brochure said:
"There is no justification for abusing another person, abusive behavior is not
to be excused and I do not have to tolerate abusive behavior".
I know this is all true, I have been talking to a counselor (just started and my
husband even went once, he says he'll go with me, but then uses it against
me if he gets upset saying he's not going to go), and I am going to call the
number on the brochure.
I just want to know if I should give him the list I wrote out? I know he knows
we need help, but most of him believes we can do it without help, mostly
because it's my fault things are the way they are; the house is a mess, we
don't have any food in the house, I am always out and about... according to
him. Of course I know it's not all me and there will always be something even
if I was a stay at home perfect housekeeper mom.
We have 5 children (all boys, 15,14,12,11&10) He works full time and I work
part time (5 days a week). I make sure there is dinner every night, breakfast
and lunch everyday, clean clothes, family time, worship, and fun activities on
the weekends. He says he will help me with the chores and cooking dinner,
even go to the store to do the shopping with me, I am still waiting... When he
does get the motivation to help with something he will absolutely make sure I
am doing something too. Cooking dinner, he'll want me to chop the veggies
and make the side dishes. He'll volunteer to help me fold the laundry, but
he'll wait until I am there to do it with him. If he volunteers to clean the
bathrooms, he'll want me to clean the floors. He wants it to be my
responsibility to remind him to do the yards.
If we are short on funds because of the extras (new tires, brakes, braces,
doctors...) and we are low in the food department, to him it's my
responsibility to figure it out, even when he tries to understand and say it's
OK, there is still grumbling.
I go to work everyday and I am off between 2-4 ( I am a bookkeeper so my
hours vary from job to job, depending on what's going on at that job that
day; payroll, bank statements to reconcile, tax adjustments for reports,
payroll and sales taxes to pay...I never know, of course the basics are
generally the same, get in, enter data, pay bills, run reports, file and leave to
next job), pick up boys, come home, start dinner, give the boys chores, clean
up, start laundry, spend time with boys, maybe a walk, put them to bed, start
the dish washer and get purse and stuff ready to go for next day.
Of course there is always stuff in between, homework, showers, projects,
reports, store, friends houses, activities, camping, and I very rarely get all the
tasks done in one day, nor do I rarely get to take a shower 2 days in a row. I
am even requested of something while on the toilet! My gas tank is on empty
most of the time ( and not just because of gas prices - my time is costly too ).
So when my husband comes home from work, and even though the kids and I
are there doing dishes, taking out trash cleaning up rooms etc... it still looks
the same in the house so questions on what I have done all day.
If he's off early, he questions why I am not home yet, and how much longer,
constantly calling me until I am literally in the driveway, sometimes I bring
my work home to finish ( the stuff I can do at home, like the mailing and
getting papers ready to file ) because it's just so, uhhhh!
If I want to do something with my church, like help out, or be part of a group,
he asks me "Shouldn't you be taking care of the house?"
If I want to take the kids out for the day because they have been cooped up
all week, he'll ask me the same question, and then tell me not ask or expect
him to give me any money for the bills or food or anything!
My punishment when my mom took the kids and I to the movies and we got
home an hour and a half after the movie, because we went for ice cream and
had to drop my cousin off, who also went with us, and we told my husband of
this, he wouldn't let me sleep in our bed, and of course the usual name
calling and put downs, and threats if I tried to get into the bed.
I didn't intend on a full book for my question, I am just really desperate for
help, and want to know the right thing to do, before I do the wrong thing! I
am really tired, ready to snap and am in complete shock after reading for the
last two days all the information on abuse, I've always known that it has been
abuse since the beginning, but was in denial that my husband was an actual
statistic!! Thinking of my husband and knowing how smart he is and thinking
all along that this is just a small problem and with better communication it
will get better, that may be part of it, but the shocking part for me, is, how
could my husband let himself be a statistic!! He's better than that, smarter!!
It's so ridiculous! How could he let himself look  so stupid!! ( of course I won't
say that to him ) and not just one abusive behavior 11!!
Of course he has major past hurts of abuse by his father and sexual abuse by
a family friend, and it goes so much more deeper than that, that I do
understand and have known all along that he does need help!
So during my attempts of seeking counsel and steps to take to being healthier
for myself and my children;
Should I give him the list?  
PS: I was not allowed to sleep in our bed again tonight!

ANSWER: Hi Jessica,

Thanks for writing to me.  Don't give him the list.  Giving him the list won't accomplish anything except ensuring that you will get another round of abuse.  Abusers never take responsibilty for their actions.  Even when you present them with clear-cut evidence of the abuse, they will deny it and make it seem like it's all your fault.  Abusers do not think like normal, rational adults.  In their world, they are the ones who are always put upon, and everyone around them is crazy, stupid, or out to hurt or cheat them in some way.  They are always the victim.  Because of this twisted sense of reality,  abusers rarely change.  They are similar to drug addicts and alcoholics in that they first need to acknowledge that there is a problem with THEIR behavior, and they must make a firm commitment to stop and seek the help they need for themselves.  Pushing an abuser to get help will likely result in him going for a short time to placate you, then using it against you in the future.  

You need to get help for yourself and your kids first.  Call the number in that brochure.  Don't tell him about it as there isn't really any point.  Start thinking about ways to leave him.  You can't continue to subject yourself to this abuse any longer.  You also don't want your sons to grow up thinking that this is the normal way for a man to treat a woman.  Please get the help you need and find a way out of this unhealthy situation.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for responding so rapidly, that is exactly what I needed
to hear and that is exactly what I am going to do! It's so hard though, even to
just think on this and what I have to do. If you are a spiritual person, would
you please pray for me, and of course for my husband, he doesn't deserve to
be this kind of man, it is not the way God intended or created him to be, and
He does have a plan for him as He does all of us! Of course I will not use this
as an excuse to stay in this unhealthy marriage, but I will do what I have to
now that I am more clear of my obligations, even if it means separating
(which is probably what needs to happen).
Should I stay sleeping in the other room if he doesn't say anything, or should
I attempt to sleep in our bed to see his response?
Yesterday, when I was out with the kids, he through all of my stuff from my
dresser all over the floor in the office and pushed all of my stuff off of my
desk, should I put the stuff back in the dresser, or just keep it in the office
after I clean it up? ( Thursday we had planned together that we would go to
the beach, but because he was mad about Saturday - 1:because I was at
church a little longer than usual & 2:because of the after movie thing, - that
plan had changed and of course he didn't want to do anything with me & the
kids on sunday, but I kept my plans with the kids and we went out and had a
very good day together! So as a result, my stuff gets thrown and messed up!)
( OK so 3 more questions ).
Thanks again.

ANSWER: Jessica,

I am glad you found my response helpful.  I'm not really a religious person so I don't pray, but I will certainly send positive thoughts in your direction and I wish you all the best.  As for sleeping in the same bed, I think you know what his response will be.  If you really want to return to the bed, expect a fight about it.  I would use the fact that he moved your stuff to another room as an opportunity to begin packing your things for when you leave.  You really should start asking friends or family for a place to stay ASAP.  

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks again!
What if he wants me to sleep back in the bed, I know what I need to do and I
will start making the arrangements, but in the meantime, how should I be
towards him, I know he will try to make it better somehow for a temporary fix
as so the pattern goes, and I will not allow this to keep me trapped any
longer, but until the necessary happens, I will assume the other room, but if
he insists on me coming back to our room, what should I do?

Answer
Jessica,

Personally, I would stay in another room of the house.  Don't fall back into the pattern of abuse where he quick-fixes the situation only to have the abuse start all over again in a day or two.  I hate to sound flip here, but if he insists, so what?  Insist that you want to stay in the other room, then walk away from him if he starts carrying on about it.  The worst thing you can do is apologize and cave in, or fight about it with him.  Abusive people feed off the energy they get from fighting, so it's best to ignore them when they go into abuse mode.  One technique I read about and used is to simply respond to their ravings cooly and calmly, saying that you understand how they feel.  For example:

Him:  I want you to come back to sleeping in the same bed with me.

You:  I'd rather stay in the other room.

Him:  What's wrong with sleeping in bed with me?

You:  I'm just more comfortable here.

Him:  You're so selfish!  I want you to be with me and you aren't going to?

You:  That must be very frustrating for you.

Him:  You're a horrible wife for wanting to sleep in here!\

You:  I'm sorry you feel that way.

Even though it's tempting to fight back or to apologize and do things his way, it's not effective and will ultimately leave you open to more abuse.  Not responding to obvious provocation and turning things back around onto him usually will disarm him.  If he won't stop arguing or the abuse gets too out of control, leave the conversation.  

Dana Q