AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am happy to answer any relationship questions or general psychology questions.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology, with special emphasis and advanced training in couples counseling and marriage therapy. I have been in practice for nearly 10 years and have helped hundreds of couples to improve and strengthen their relationships.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California, IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MS - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
BS - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please visit my website for my complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
Question I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. My husband had a bad childhood and is verbally abusive to me, and emotionally to neediest. I have asked for help stated my dislikes and what I wanted worked on to no avail. He has hurt me beyond belief. I have not had sex with him for over 4 months, despite talks he has never been able to meet my sexual needs. Of once to twice a week. I am know having an affair with my old boyfriend before I married my husband. We our both married and don't want to hurt the kids. Both unhappily married. This is so unlike who I am,
against everything I stand for, and yet I don't feel guilty and want to stop. My husband wants me to take things at face value when you can't accept this treatment, not to another person with feelings. I love my husband and the idea of marriage but this is not what I signed up for.. Someone to take advantage of you and to feel unappreciated.
Answer Hi Alyssa. Thanks for your question. I can imagine how painful this situation is for you and it sounds like you have some tough decisions to make.
First of all, I think love is a behavior. It's not just a state of mind. So when your husband is being very emotionally abusive, you can and should tell him how this makes you feel. I suggest trying this format: "When you ______________, I feel _________________, and what I am really want is for you to ____________________________________."
So you might say, "Mike, when you tell me you don't care what I do, I feel invisible and unimportant, and what I really want is to hear you say is that you care about me and you want to know what I am doing." We tend to get better results when we ask for what we want, instead of telling people what they're doing wrong.
As for the sex, you should tell him why you miss that, what it means to you, and what you want to change. For example, "Mike, I really miss spending time alone and being close to you, it means a lot to me that we can physically connect. Help me understand what's going on with us and what I can do to help. I'd really like for us to play again soon."
You also wrote that you love your husband (I am so glad) and that this is not what you want your relationship to be. I understand and it sounds like the relationship needs some work. I whole-heartedly believe any relationship can be made better, it just takes a little work. Talking to a great couples therapist could really help. In lieu of that, there's a great couples relationship book that I think will help by John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.
Now for the tough news...I think it's very hard to repair a relationship when you are in a relationship with someone else (your boyfriend). You sound like a woman of integrity and it sounds like it's really hurting you to be in two relationships at once. So my advice would be to end the relationship with your boyfriend, focus on repairing your marriage (especially because kids are involved) and if it can't be fixed, then decide what next steps to take.
I hope this helps and if I can be of further help, feel free to email or visit my website for more tips: www.drkathynickerson.com
