Expert: Dana Q - 6/27/2008

Question
My husband I have been married for just over a year. I went through a spell in our 3-year relationship where I was physically abusive to him. I would slap his face mostly. I also, on a few occasions hit and kicked him wherever my hand or foot landed. I finally realized that this behavior was uncalled for and I stopped doing it. Now, the tables have turned and he is abusive to me. (alot worse than I was, I might add) Whenever he gets angry with me, he usually starts by backhanding the side of my head. He will do this repeatedly. He has also dragged me through our apartment by my hair and once, he chocked me so hard that I nearly fainted. I dont know what to do about this. I feel that it is my fault because Jeffery never would hit me before. I feel that because I was abusive to him first, he is giving me what I deserve. But I also want this to stop and I do not want a divorce. In spite of this all, I love my husband very much. On top of all of this, Jeffery recently has been using drugs. He has stolen money out of my purse and has wrote almost $1500 in bad checks. I am almost certain that he will have a felony charge and possibly go to prison. I need help figuring all of this out. This seems like a vicious, never-ending cycle and I dont know how to change it. Please help me!

Answer
Hi Rebekah,

Thanks for writing to me.  Congratulations on stopping your abusive behavior - it isn't easy to stop and it shows a lot of inner strength that you were able to do it.  That being said, Jeffery's abuse is NOT what you deserve.  No one deserves to be abused, regardless of what he or she may have done in the past.  Abusers use the idea that their victims "deserve it" as a way to brainwash them into not wanting to fight back or leave the situation.  You absolutely need to leave this situation NOW.  The abuse has reached a level where he is doing serious physical harm to you, and it is bound to get worse.  You may not wake up the next time he chokes you.  His use of drugs only increases the danger of the situation since they lower his inhibitions.  Please get out of the house immediately.  You are right that abuse is a vicious, never-ending cycle.  Unfortunately, you will not be able to stop Jeffery's abuse or his drug use unless he is willing to stop it himself, just like you made the decision to stop abusing him.  Until he realizes that what he is doing is wrong (and it is very possible that he may never realize it), the abuse will continue.  In the meantime, you cannot put your life in danger any longer waiting around for him to change; you have to protect yourself.  Please, please, please leave ASAP!

Good Luck,

Dana Q