AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am happy to answer any relationship questions or general psychology questions.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology, with special emphasis and advanced training in couples counseling and marriage therapy. I have been in practice for nearly 10 years and have helped hundreds of couples to improve and strengthen their relationships.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California, IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MS - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
BS - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please visit my website for my complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
Question What is this ? My husband seems to resent any relationship I have outside the marriage. Accusations of flirting and infidelity if I speak to another man. The situation is ridiculous as he is the one who has had sexual relations with others.It has got to the point that to avoid his rage and consequent dangerous behavior I will avoid contact with the opposite sex.If I contact my friends or family he is guarded and will often grunt and dismiss any conversation regarding them.In the past he has read my personal e-mail and cannot understand my objections. He needs to know everything I do and will often call when away with his work and ask where am I and whose voices are those in the background.If I need to buy clothing he must come along and approve my selection and OK the cost.When I need something I am to buy the cheapest available. This plays havoc with my self esteem as he will spend whatever he likes on himself, usually on expensive technology and sustaining his hobbies. His attitude is that it is his money and he can do what he likes with it!I told him that I believed the small amount of money he supplies me with when he is away becomes mine. His argument is that he still has a right to know what I spend it on. Most of it goes to maintaining the household and keeping the larder stocked with the food he prefers.I am caught between a rock and a hard place, the reason we are living as expats is to save the money to buy a house on our return home.Yet, altho I try to economize and save, he does not! Now he has demanded a weekly costing of what I spend on myself and food.I provided him with an accurate and manageable budget some time ago but it seems to be only applicable to me. We are living as expats and he is often away for days at a time. Due to the fact I am struggling with the new language and have no transport I am quite isolated and usually see little of other people. I am financially dependant on him and must explain every cent I spend. Consequently I spend almost nothing on myself and attempt to keep the household budget as low as possible.If the apartment is ship shape, his clothes ready and in place, his ashtray where he left it, the bed made the way he likes it, his coffee spoon washed and hanging on its hook,food prepared to his taste, me wearing my hair the way he likes,his bookwork and correspondence immaculate and up to date, me all positive, uncomplaining and bouncy, watching every word I say, serve his food on time, do not be offended when he simply leaves me sitting, eating alone because he has better things to do than watch me eat, everything is fine. If not, I am just along for the ride, I have a persecution complex,I have got it easy and should be grateful, my attitude is not acceptable. If I am unwell it is a case of "there is always something wrong with YOU". Rare for me to complain of an illness, now if I am not feeling tip top I keep it to myself. He is often rude and dismissive to other people and seems to only encourage conversation or acquaintance if he can benefit from it logistically or financially.
Once I looked forward to him coming home but now I am nervous, wary and defensive. He likes to have sex as soon as he arrives but I cannot pretend to either want or enjoy it any longer. He will be sweet and converse with me untill we have finished with sex which is usually very dull and brief. After that it is back to no conversation, no affection, what's for dinner, surfing the net and off to bed with a fishing or racing book.
Prior to our union I was happy, independant, confident, sociable and optimistic, Now I am not sure if I want to continue with our relationship, it is so empty. I have nobody else to turn to at the moment and when I attempt to discuss my concerns with my husband it is a matter of it all being in my head and I have a neurosis of some kind. He will either start screeching or simply remove himself to bed or the computer.
I am not a screecher and will try to maintain an objective stance when conflict occurs. At this stage I am becoming desperate and often wonder if I am going crazy.
Can you help?
Sallie.
Answer Hi Sallie. Thank you so much for your note, I am so glad you wrote.
No, I don't think you are over-reacting at all, I think that his behavior is abusive and inappropriate. It sounds like what he wants is to have power and control over you, which is something that most abusers seek.
I have a mantra that I hope might help: love is a behavior. This means that when you love someone, you treat them with kindness, care, and concern.....not jealousy, anger, mistrust, and possessiveness. Your reactions to his behavior are very typical and very normal, given the situation, but the situation is not a healthy one.
I would highly recommend counseling for you to give you some support right now. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but I do think this is a tough situation where you could use someone else to help you make some important life decisions.
I'd also encourage you to find out if there is a local domestic violence shelter near you where you could take a women's empowerment class. It would help you to get out, to make new friends, and to feel more confident.
Lastly, I'd like to recommend a book to you: Destructive Relationships by Dr. Jill Murray. It's wonderful and will offer you some great tips.
Wishing you all the best, let me know if I can do more to help you.
