Expert: Nafeesah - 6/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: I left my boyfriend a few months ago because of his anger.  He would rage, throw things, and break things. His mother told me that she was afraid he was going to hurt me.  I left, did not answer his phone calls, and went to stay at an ex's house, for a couple weeks before finally moving back home (1000 miles away).  I stayed at my ex's simply because he travels and wasn't home, so I had a quiet place all to myself.  It was free, I couldn't afford to make the 1000 mile trip twice, and I have no other friends close by that are also not associated with the man I left, so that is where I decided to stay.  I am now trying to work it out with the man I left, and now that I told him I stayed at ex's house for a couple of weeks, he is accusing me of lying to him, leaving him for the ex, and now is withholding affection.  I am willing to work on it with this guy, we are both in counseling, individual and couples, but he refuses to have any intimacy with me because "I Lied".  I, did, in fact, end up telling him the truth.  I was planning to tell him in a therapy session, because, ultimately, I am afraid of his anger, and I thought that would be the safest place, but because I lied about where I was until I did tell him the truth, he is saying that he can't trust me.  He still wants me to say that he is my boyfriend, to know who i'm with, to be monogomous, but without the affection.  I'm ready to give 100%, but this feels wrong.  I admitted my mistakes, now I feel I am being punished.  Am I getting what I deserve from staying with an ex?  I NEED to emphasize that  he was AWAY...yes, home for a couple days out of three weeks, but I would NOT have stayed if he did not travel.

ANSWER: If your boyfriend's mother told you she feared her son would hurt you that's a red flag to leave ASAP!!!!! I wouldnt bother dealing with a man who's got anger issues because he could end up actually hitting you for no reason. Men who have anger issues are the ones who batter women for no reason and blame them for their anger.

You deserve better than this and what's there to work out he's abusive if he's throwing things at you and breaking things in your home. I think you should stick with the counseling for you and work on issues that has you wanting to work out a relationship that's clearly unhealthy and isnt worth saving.

You may love this guy, but will he love you if he cold cocked you across the face because something wasnt done his way? Will he love you if you're sick or hurt and he leaves you with no medicine or medical treatment? Someone who loves you will treat you with respect not treating you like you don't matter.

How are you being punished for your boyfriend's problem? You don't need to be with him anyway because what your boyfriend's mother said to you should have been confirmation it's time to leave that relationship behind. Anytime a man hurts you he doesnt care about you and the problem is with him not you. Don't go back to him if he says things will get better what women don't realize in abusive relationships is that abusers use manipulation to get what they want even if it means making you think something is your fault. Please don't be fooled by this dispicable act of cruelty.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Now his mother is saying that she didn't mean to say that.  She is saying that what she meant to say was that she was afraid that he was going to hurt himself.  
His family is no longer talking to me because everyone is so mad that I left.  

Answer
This is where you look at the pattern of abuse in families when mom makes excuses for her son's behavior and doesnt really acknowledge her own misfortunes. Your boyfriend may have witnessed his mother being abused by his father and he internalized a lot of anger and resentment issues towards women. His mother is making excuses for her son's behavior. Did he have a pattern of abusing women before he started a relationship with you? The problem with a lot of mothers is that if they were abused chances likely their children will become abusers or be the abusee.

If his family isnt speaking to you because you left this is clearly obvious that they know your ex has abusive tendencies and they're just looking at it as another one of his moods when this is serious. If he continues to be this way he could very much end up killing someone because he let his anger get out of control. Please don't go back to someone who's family is making excuses for his behavior by not speaking to you. I will tell you from experience that when my ex fiance's mother learned her son had hit me she told him that I deserved it when he did it because I ended the engagement and didnt want to marry him. If he got physical with you once he will do it again and every time this is the same pattern with abusers they have an excuse for every time they hit you saying it won't happen again and it continues.

Any woman that stays with an abusive man has low self esteem because nobody should ever subject themselves or the people they love to abuse. If a mother makes excuses for her son's piss poor behavior such as abusing his girlfriend or wife she's contributing to the problem. Mom is actually helping her son to be an abuser by enabling him and making excuses for his behavior by blaming the girlfriend and wife when she did nothing wrong. You don't need to be with this guy because you deserve better than someone who doesnt give a damn about you. In an abusers mind there's no rationing or reason all that has gone out the window when they're busy tearing you down in every way possible to make you feel and think that you're worth nothing.

You are worth everything to someone who cares and loves you and will treat you with kindness and respect because you deserve nothing less than that.