Expert: Dana Q - 7/28/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am in a 6 month relationship with a beautiful, 6 year younger woman.  I'm 28 she just turned 22.  I honestly love her with all my heart and I know she loves me.  Recently, because of some surgery I had, I've had a lot of time to think about us.  I think that I am mean to her, mentally, not physically, because I am unhappy with myself.  I always point out stuff that I dislike about her instead of the hundreds of things I love about her.  She has made lots of changes in her life and personality.  Even going as far as becoming a home body like me and stopping going out to party like she used to.  We talked about it a lot this week and I don't know what to do.  I want to stop being mean to her but I don't know what to do.  


ANSWER: Hi John,

Thanks for writing to me.  I give you a lot of credit for realizing this about yourself.  What you need to do is to get some professional help for yourself, so that you can get to bottom of why you're doing this.  It would also be helpful to talk to your girlfriend about how you want to stop hurting her and want to change your behavior.  Then, get some couples counseling in addition to individual counseling for yourself.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Although my follow up response is late, I appreciate you answering my question.  I read your response a lot of times and it makes sense.  I have talked to a counselor, alone, and I don't think that I am mean to her like she made me believe.  I wrote that question after an intense night of crying, by me, and after she convinced me that I was mean to her. In fact, she always calls me mean. My girlfriend has a way of getting anything she wants out of me and she knows that I can't tell her "no".  When I do say no she will pout or try to make me feel guilty.  For example, I purchased a new video game with a credit card. I had planned to pay it off and cancel the card once I got paid in a week but when we got to the store I HAD to get her something because she made me feel guilty about treating myself to something I had wanted for a long time. I see myself having a future with her but I don't know if she is mentally ready for a relationship.  In order for us to have this future, I have .  Her philosophy is spend it while you got it.  This makes me sad because I don't want to be the only one saving for our futures.  So just to clarify, I'm "mean" to her because sometimes I tell her to not spend so much money and instead save it for us.  She is immature and doesn't want the responsibility of managing her money.  What advice can you give me about this?

Answer
Hi John,

Well, if that's her reason for your being mean, I agree with your counselor that you're not abusive.  You have valid concerns about a future with her.  While her spending habits may be age-related, it is also very possible that this is how she was raised to view money and savings.  That could spell big trouble if you ever do decide to get married.  The manipulative tendencies and her behavior in general suggest that this is part of an overall feeling of being entitled to get anything and everything she wants.  That is not a good sign for things to come.  If you truly want to work things out with her and see if this is just immaturity, I would recommend going back to the counselor (with your gf this time) to work on the whole "you're mean/buy me that" pattern.  If she is unwilling to try the counseling or accept that her behavior is wrong, then it is time to run and not look back.

Dana Q