Expert: Nafeesah - 7/5/2008

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. Our relationship has never been good. Our relationship got physically abusive very early on but as time goes on it gets worse and worse. I am only 5'5 and he is 6'7 and knows that I am scared of him and feeds off of it. He has threatened to kill me and keeps me away from my friends and family. Recently I started getting close again with my family and my true friends are starting to come back around. Even since this, things have been horrible. I feel trapped inside myself and I have no clue what to do. I am really young (19 years old.) and I know there is so much better out there for me. Over the years I feel that I made myself numb with him, the things that used to drive me nuts don't effect me the way they used to, but they still hurt. He controls everything, everyday he takes my car even when I tell him not to and makes sure that I don't leave by constantly popping by my house and having his friends do the same. If he sees me talking to a guy he flips out and will drag me away and fight him, he even did this with my sisters fiance, at the time he didn't know who he was.

I am writing this because of a problem that happened last night. I went out with my friends and I came back home around 2. I had on a little white dress that I wear all the time and he has never had a problem with it. I admit that I had a little too much to drink which really showed because I rarely drink. He came in at 6 in the morning and of course I was mad, but all I didn't show it. Earlier in the day (which was the reason for my drinking) he was driving around with his ex girlfriend in my car. When he came home I told him I hoped she gave him the STD's she had given him before which in turn came to me resulting in a miscarriage. I said this in front of two of his friends and he absolutely flipped out. He tried to leave but I jumped through the window so my bottom half was on him and my top half was on his friend. During this my dress came up and it was butt everywhere but I pulled it right down. He pulled all the way to the top of the driveway and got out of the car. He grabbed my feet and pulled me out making me hit my head on the foot step to my car then continued to drag me by my feet down before picking me up by my hair and choking me the rest of the way down the driveway. When we got inside he slammed my head against the door frame and through me to the floor and then on the chair. This is always so scary to me because with our size difference I am like a rag dool to him. He continued to punch and choke me saying our business was our business. Then he went on to call me a whore and saying whoever I was sleeping with that I better hope he doesn't find out about it. Then he totally went off saying I enjoyed being naked in front of his friends and tried to take my clothes off. I starting kicking and screaming so he couldn't get them off. He then went into the kitchen and got a knife and cut my clothes off of me everything except my bra and underwear and then grabbed me and threw me outside where his friends were and kept asking me if I liked it now and mocking me cry. Eventually he pulled me back inside. Once I was back inside and he left I realized how messed up I was. I have bruises and cuts all over my face and on my legs and stomach from him cutting off my clothes. He had never taken things that far with me and I feel like im being pushed and pushed. My friends tell me to call the cops and get a restraining order but I know that will not stop him and I feel it will only make the situation worse for me in the end. But I am also scared of what will happen if I stay any longer. I never thought I would let myself get in this situation but I have and I have no clue what I'm supposed to do anymore. My friend used this site for advice a while ago and I figured I would give it a try. Any advice will be great because I'm starting to realize that I really do need help with this. So thank you.

Answer
Coming from experience from having been in an abusive relationship I will say that it won't get any better. Men who are abusive tend to have some kind of issues with themselves and not necessarily you per se, but it's serious when he's threatening your life and the lives of your family and friends.If this guy has been driving other females in your car it's time to have the locks on the car changed and get new keys for the car.

It maybe expensive, but it's time to protect your property and if he's taken other items like your cell phone so you can't call anyone call the company and have it turned off and get a pay as you go phone so you can have a temporary number that's untraceable. Then go back later and get an account back up in your name because if he's got your phone he'll deliberately run up your bill ruining your credit. My ex did that to me and to this day he acts like it doesnt matter that he ran up my phone bill and left me to pay it.

You should take your friends advice about the restraining order because that can stop him if he's facing a few years in prison. Sounds like your ex has some psychological issues that he's not dealing with if he's taking things out on you. If you live with him move out and go to a friend's place or better move back home with your parents or trusted relative. Take everything you own with you and double check to make sure you got everything that belongs to you and also re-route your mail to another address so that your ex can't hold anything important like your bills or any money that comes to you and have it sent elsewhere.

The fact that he cut you up is clear he's not mentally stable and that you need to get away from this guy ASAP. When you start doing self destructive things like drinking it's time to seek out some help to figure out things especially when you're dealing with abuse. Knowing that he also gave you an STD from him cheating on you is even more reason to leave because thank god it wasnt HIV or AIDS because this guy has no regards for anyone else's safety including the safety of the woman he obviously doesnt love(abusers don't have no concept of love).

If you have any fresh markings or bruising as a result of him battering you this can also be documented for domestic violence charges being brought up against him and if you can ask for a lifetime restraining order against him because he's a threat to you and those around you. This is the only way it will stop him and the legal system is there to help you. The only way it will work is if you stay consistent in reporting any communication he tries to make with you and reporting it to the detective that's assigned to your case.

If you know people who are in constant communication with your ex it's time to cut those individuals out of your life because even mutual friends can complicate a domestic violence situation. They can complicate things by telling your ex where you're at and who they saw you with. Cutting these people off is the only way to protect your security and safety. If he threatened to kill you(attempted murder) do not take that stuff lightly because men who threaten to kill a woman in an abusive relationship usually act on their threat so it's better for you to cut off people who actively still communicate with your ex.

What you want is to surround yourself with trusted friends and family who will not tell your ex anything about what you're doing and who you're with. If your ex's friends were watching your boyfriend abuse you then they are accessories to the crime because they stood there and did nothing to stop him. It's not your fault that you're in the relationship because you didnt know that your boyfriend was like this. I didnt know mine was the same way until he admitted to hitting his wife on several ocassions and some in front of his daughter when she was sleeping.

What you need to focus on is getting out of the relationship and taking what you learned and do what you need to do to not end up with another guy like this loser. Abusive men are losers anyway you look at them. A man who loves you would never do anything cruel to hurt or abuse you. You're a smart girl to really realize that there is better out there. Not enough women have your tenacity to know when it's time to leave an abusive relationship and actually stick to their word because too many go back and end up as a statistic and instead of a survivor.

You're 19 years old and at the prime of your adult life and what you don't need is a loser trying to take away the best part of you. Move forth in your life and be an example out there to those who are in abusive relationships that you can leave there's enough resources out there for you to get help in securing a safe place for yourself and children and even seeking legal recourses for dealing with abusive exes. You're walking away with the most precious asset that you are blessed to have and that is your life. Your life means more than some loser who has no real idea that you are a special person who deserves to be loved and cared for.

A real man will love you and now you know what to look for when a person is abusive and if he says you're nothing without him just tell yourself you are worth everything to the people who love and care for you. After leaving an abusive relationship take some time out from dating to heal and recover from what you had been through. You will be ok as long as you stay around people you trust and those who love you.

If you don't pay attention to your ex's nonsense and take any threats seriously you will overcome this ordeal. Remember restraining orders work if you stick to the procedure because a lot of battered women go back to their abusers which makes restraining orders useless. They only work if you do what you're supposed to do to maintain it. Abusers will get the message when they're sitting in prison for a few years that's enough to get them to wake up and get with the program since being a convicted felon is the reality check abusers need to get their acts together. No matter how convincing your ex sounds do not fall for anything because abusers are master manipulators and will do whatever it takes to get you to think things will be ok.

Your main goal is to get as far away from this guy as possible when he goes to work gradually start packing. Contact whoever you can stay with and have them help you move stuff out and once you get everything you own out do a double check and mail the key to the apartment. Once you leave don't turn back keep looking forward to a new life and a new start.