About Alina Neal Expertise I can answer any questions concerning abuse whether it be physical, emotional and or sexual. I have been a counselor and a nurse in my life time and have lived and fought my way to being safe in all aspects.
Experience I have experienced every form of abuse and have lived through it, and come out of it stronger emotionally and physically.
Publications www.Helium.com
Education/Credentials Social work/psychology Human Relations/Counseling
Question I have been in a relationship with my partner for 20 years and have lived with him for 18 years. We have three wonderful children. I was 18 when I had my first child and lived in my mums house. I moved into my partners home when our child was 1. At first everything was great although my partner often had angry outbursts and would punch the wall or smash things if we had an argument, I put his behavior down to his age ( he was 20) and thought he would mellow as he got older but he hasn't. Things have gotten worse over the years. Although we can be very happy together as a family,and I love him very much, his temper is breaking us up. Our relationship took a turn for the worse after I had my third child, he got a new job and started coming home at 3am and 4am even though he finished work at 12.30am and when I would ask him where he was he would say "out" that is when he started being verbally abusive although he always had a sharp tongue, but I always thought I was being too sensitive. But he became downright cruel and hurtful, It was around this time that our sex life dwindled mainly due to tiredness and lack of privacy. my partner was not happy about this even thought I reassured him that I loved him and that things would improve but he could not accept this and started making a mockery out of our personal life to our friends saying things like "I'm not getting any, I'm dying" and "I haven't had any in weeks" even though it wouldn't be weeks. I was very embarrassed and humiliated by this but he didn't care. Then came more fighting and name calling and personal insults and telling me to get out of his house. Since then he has slapped me across the head for talking with his friend even though it was totally innocent and has pushed me twice during an argument, the first time I was hurt badly - broken rib and huge bruise on my leg but even though he could see I was hurt he made no attempt to help me or apologize and ended up throwing me out of his house and then told his mother that I left. That was the worst argument we had and I should say that he had been drinking, but even without drink he can be very abusive. He has often forced sex on me which makes me feel violated. He blames me saying its my fault for not being intimate with him. But after the horrible things he says to me i need 'time to heal' and have no desire to be intimate with him - cue more fights and more insults and more put downs. He can be nice to me for a few days then if I say no to sex the fighting starts again. Does he have the right to behave this way? Do I need to forgive more quickly? He knows I have nowhere to go and very little money while he is quite well off. The children do not see any of this and they love their father very much he is very good with them and they would be devastated if we broke up. Is it my fault that things are so bad? What can I do to change things? We used to be happy and I would really love to work things out. Please can you advise me as I have no-one to confide in.
Answer Clara
Why are you staying? Because you love and want things to work out? This is not I repeat NOT going to change and you cannot fix him. Abusers only get worse. He has raped you, he has beaten you, but one thing he should never be able to take away from you is your dignity do not let him have it!
heres what to do: When hes gone to work have a moving truck ready, go to social services if you have to, put your stuff in storage if you cannot make it on your own. Where are you family and friends, ask them for help if not you need to get yourself and your children in a womans shelter these woman are wonderful and will help you get you back on your feet. You need a counselor, so that you stop this vicious cycle. He seems like hes getting worse and he seems pretty violent, he could possibly hit you the wrong way and kill you, where would your children be without you????
Your children whether they see this or not know that something is not right, they will act it out somehow someway and trust me they will end up being abusers themselves or end up being on the receiving end instead.
The children would be devastated if they knew their mommy was putting up with such BS. They may not understand now but they will when they are older. You cannot change these people they can only change themselves. And most of the time they never do change unless they have initiated it themselves.
It almost always starts with a push and ends with a punch. In the end if you stay with him this will only get worse and it will become more frequent. Abusers will try to contain you and make you feel like you have no where else to go do not let him do this to you, he will not change he will only get worse. If he drinks also that is another issue for you to be weary of. This is not good for you OR your chidren. Your children need a mother who has a back bone and need someone who will protect them. They need you to take charge, you will have to go to court eventually with him because of the kids then perhaps you make it supervised visits. Do not let anyone take your pride or dignity away.
You will only loose years and have much heartache if you do not take yourself out of this situation also when you go to conselling they will help you to avoid this kind of type of man again.
Don't be one the of ones who end loosing years over somebody he is certainly NOT worth it!
