Expert: Dana Q - 7/8/2008

Question
I have been with my partner for 18 months, 12 of which we lived together. He is very insecure and paranoid that I am going to go with someone else, I do not feel that I give him any reason to think so and he agrees. He has hit me on three occasions every time when he is drunk, he has now moved out and admitted he has a problem and is desperate to change. He is taking counseling.....I desperatley want to be with him and him with me but do I listen to my heart or my head??? Can he change if he wants to? How often do they change when they WANT to?? I feel so confused and lonely and do not know which way to turn....

Answer
Hi Jo,

Thanks for writing to me.  Abusers rarely change because they do not see anything wrong with their behavior.  They blame everyone else for their inner unhappiness, just as they blame their victims for causing their own abuse.  For those rare abusers who do want to change, it takes years of treatment to do so, during which time they continue to abuse their partners.   You need to leave this relationship immediately.  Domestic abuse worsens over time, and since he is already physically abusing you, there is a chance it could be fatal.  Please do not let yourself become one of the many women who are killed each year by their abusive partners.  You do not deserve to be abused and you have the strength to live without him.

Good Luck,

Dana Q