Expert: David Simonsen - 7/22/2008

Question
Hi,

I'll apologize ahead of time....this is long, but please bear with me.

I have been married to my husband for 15 years.  I would say that the entire marriage has been volatile, however, it's been a lot worse over the past 3 ½  years or so.  My husband has a violent temper........mostly verbal, although he has been mildly physical several times (pushing, shoving, intimidating).  He belittles me, is controlling, degrades me, criticizes me, puts me down, is VERY negative about everything and is a pessimist and perfectionist, just to name a few of his traits.  He always sees the glass as half empty.  Growing up, he watched his father do the same thing to his mother.

During the course of our marriage, I have asked him.....no, I've begged him, to get help.  He did see several different counselors a few times in the past, but always stopped going when "the going got tough", and then he would regress to his "old" ways.  I have learned to live my life on edge, like I'm always walking on egg shells…..I’m never quite sure what kind of mood he’ll be in when he gets home.  I have always been the peace-maker; I was the one that would try to make everything right.  I didn't want him mad at me, so I would sacrifice my own happiness and suppress whatever it was that I felt, just to not make waves.  (looking back, I know that was sooooooo wrong)

I just wanted to keep him calm.  I thought that “if I just made sure everything was perfect", he wouldn't get mad.  But it was inevitable.....there was ALWAYS a next time; he ALWAYS found something to complain about.  Well, as you can imagine, this has taken a toll on me....emotionally, psychologically and physically.  I suffer from chronic tension/stress headaches, and psychologically/emotionally, I hardly know who I am anymore.  I have been trying to be the person my husband wants me to be, but have always failed.  I am such a people pleaser and I hate it!

I noticed that our relationship got even worse about 3 ½ years ago when I got a job……a job that I LOVED!  I had jobs in the past, but it was always part-time stuff, since our son was young.  I always made sure that my working didn’t interfere with raising our son.  I wanted to be home, and my husband did support that.  However, when I got the job 3 ½ years ago, this was my dream job.  I finally found my niche; I found so much satisfaction in my job.  And not surprisingly, I saturated myself in my work.  If my husband wasn’t going to meet my needs, then “this” will.

About a year and a half ago, my husband discontinued a drug he was on to help manage his migraines.  Unfortunately, this drug (Depakote ER) is also used for bipolar disorder, so stopping it abruptly is not recommended.  He didn't know that at the time, and stopped it, cold turkey.  Within a week of discontinuing the drug, he had a psychotic episode and literally flipped out on me.  He got extremely mad (more so than normal), pinning me to the floor, shoving me into the wall, trying to bite me, pulling my hair, grabbing at my face..........he also did physical damage to our house.  He kicked a hole in the wall and pretty much trashed the place.  Amazingly, he called the Crisis line himself for help.  Long-story-short, he ended up spending 6 weeks in a behavioral health facility getting his meds regulated.  He had NEVER done anything like this before, so I am confidant that it was a result of discontinuing the drug.  Doctors also felt that was the case, although they officially diagnosed him with Bi-Polar disorder.  My husband denies that he has it.

Of course I was scared the night of the episode, as was our son, who was 10 at the time (he is now 12).  When my husband got out of the hospital, of course he was on his best behavior. I heard the usual, “I’m going to change……I have to change……you deserve better.”  But things gradually went back to "normal", even though he was still in counseling.  He stayed in counseling for about a year and a half, which is definitely a record, but discontinued when his counselor left the practice.  I had also been going to counseling with him for almost that entire time.

I feel I need to add that my husband has been willing to admit that he has a problem, and even get help; he doesn’t like being the way he is.  I know this behavior is not typical of an abuser, that’s why I make a point to say it.  That’s what’s so confusing to me sometimes.

During the time of my husband’s hospitalization, I got help and support from many people.  However, I ended up getting to know someone who has been more to me than just a support.  He became my listening ear; it was nice to talk to someone who understood, as he also had a very difficult marriage.  Unfortunately, I let my feelings get involved and have grown very attached to this man.  It was unintentional; I didn't go looking for it.  However, I do realize that I had a choice along the way, and chose to continue contact.  I take full responsibility for my actions, knowing two wrongs DON’T make a right.

(At the time, I was employed at a church as the Director of Worship……the job I LOVED!  I have since lost my job due to my involvement with this other man.  It’s a LONG story, but I’ll spare ya the lengthy details.  Just know, this has devastated me.)  My husband knows about the other man and it has caused even more problems for us.  He doesn't trust me and certainly lets me know it...........smearing my face in it whenever he gets the chance.  I regret ever telling him, but I didn’t have a choice.

I asked my husband for some time alone because I needed to clear my mind.  I needed for him to leave me alone for a few weeks.  I told him that I wasn't sure I could continue in this marriage.......I didn't know if I still loved him.  He went into the "desperation" mode.  He claimed that he was changing and wanted to be the man I needed and wanted.  He said, "It's different this time....I really want to change, please just give me a chance....believe in me, have faith in me………you deserve so much better."

I had seen him like that similarly in the past, but not to this magnatude.  I was very skeptical and scared.  I didn’t know if I even had feelings for him anymore.  I just didn't care. But as he finally gave me the space I was asking for, I started noticing that it seemed like he WAS making some genuine changes.  I agreed to try again.

For about three or four weeks he was wonderful………….attentive to me in every way.  But when I lost my job, things started going back down hill.  All those negative traits came back, just like they never left.  I was devastated, as well and humiliated.  How could I have been so stupid as to fall for his, what now seemed like, empty promises?

Being a Christian, I have never believed in divorce, but am starting to have second thoughts.  I just don't have the strength to keep going like this.  I’m tired and I feel like a fool.  Just yesterday, I wrote him a lengthy letter via email spelling out exactly how I feel.  I was very direct and to the point, as he doesn’t like it when I beat around the bush.  I told him that I thought we should separate.

Not surprising, he did not take it well at all.  We spent hours talking and arguing on the phone last night.  He’s furious that I waited until now to tell him all this.  I have always seemed to have a problem with communicating my feelings to him.  I’m afraid to express myself because of what I usually get in return………criticism, negative remarks, degraded.  It usually turns into a huge fight when I point something out that’s bothering me.  So I’ve learned to keep it to myself.  Unfortunately, I always get to the point where I can’t stand it anymore, and then it comes out.

The things I point out to him are ALWAYS the same.  My issues with him are ALWAYS about the way he treats me, how my needs aren’t getting met or about his uncontrolled anger.  He has heard my concerns about these things for over 15 years now, and it seems to continually fall on deaf ears.  Why should I want to keep bringing it up?  Shouldn’t he have gotten it by now?

He tells me that he “can’t remember”, so I need to keep telling him.  He says that he “just doesn’t get it”.  Sounds like an excuse to me.  For example, when it comes to meeting my needs, how is it that he can’t remember to kiss me or give me a hug when he comes home from work?  All I want is for him to show me that he loves me.  He says I need to remind him of these things so it becomes a habit.  A habit?!?!?!?  I don’t want him to do those things out of habit!  I want it to come from the heart.  And if I’m having to remind him constantly, it’s not coming from the heart.

We are currently not living together, and haven’t been since June 2007, when he moved back home with his mom (that’s another long story).  He would spend about 3 nights a week here with me and the rest at his mom’s.  But since I sent that email to him yesterday, his nights here have come to an end.  All he sees is “divorce” written all over that letter.  All I suggested was that we try a trial separation.  I don’t know what else to do.  But now he’s very mad and even refuses to see our son, saying that “he hates me anyway!”

But then the next night my husband called (calmly, I might add), wanting to come and talk.  He's been reading a book on anger for a while now (A book that I originally read years ago and wanted him to read, but he would always refuse, saying he "wasn't a good reader".), and wanted my perspective on it.  So I let him come to the house to talk. Of course he was calm and it went fine, however, we didn’t discuss our problems.

We ended up have a huge fight this past Sunday night.  We were discussing our current problems.  I was being honest with him……….telling him I’m not sure what I want, that I can’t handle all the abuse.  He got so mad at me that he threw a glass of water right in my face.  I told him to get out and not come back.  Of course he didn’t listen; he insisted on talking.  While the conversation calmed down and he eventually left, I still don’t know what I’m doing.  I haven’t spoken to him since and am not planning on it.  I need space.

I have been feeling very guilty about all this because, in all honesty, I haven't been giving the relationship 100% for a while now.....ever since the other man came into the picture. I've also grown very weary of trying because of all the trying I've done over the years.  But I still feel guilty.  I feel like I have to give it one last try.....giving it 100%.......because if I don't, I will always feel like I didn't do enough or I didn't give him an honest chance.

Am I crazy?  Will I always feel this guilt, no matter how many chances I give him?.......regardless of my percentage of input?  Am I just making excuses for him?......letting him have control once again?  I don't want to be a complete fool, however, I suppose it's already too late for that.

I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is.  I have to admit......I still have feelings for this other man.  But I don't want to end my marriage because of someone else.  I want it to be because that's the best thing to do.  I spoke with this “other man” (via email) and told him that we shouldn’t be communicating anymore.  I need my space to figure all this out.  Being a Christian, I don’t feel that God would be pleased with my behavior.  (Not sure what your religious beliefs are)

Another question.......if I would decide to give it one last shot, do I tell him so and lay out all the "rules" before hand?  Or will that look like a threat, or ultimatum?  I don't want him to think that I'm looking for any excuse to bring the axe down on him, but I do want to get the point across that I need to see genuine, consistent change.  And if that isn't happening........if he regresses back to his "old" ways........then I'll need to move away from the marriage.  What are your thoughts on this?

I need some advice here.  I want to do what's pleasing to God, but I don't really know what that is.  I have such a wall built up around me.  I don't even feel willing right now to start tearing it down.  I don't have the strength.  My husband doesn't understand that.  He thinks I should just be able to “suck it up and try again”.  I am very hurt and scared.

Should I be giving my husband another chance?  And if so, how do I break through all the crap to even try?  When is enough, enough?  I am so exhausted and drained.  I feel like I've had the life zapped out of me.  I need some answers.  Can you help me?


Answer
Ann,
First I would suggest you consult the bible and see what the right thing to do is. I think it is to love God first and then your neighbor as yourself. Your husband is your "neighbor". It also says to love your "enemy" so bottom-line we are commanded to love even in these difficult circumstances. You NEED to continue non-communication with this other man. Keeping that going will only keep you from loving your husband. I also suggest you seek out a competent marital therapist. You two alone cannot solve this. You need the help of a third party. You should know this because you keep ending up with a fight. Your husband has a serious mental illness that has gone undiagnosed for years. He also has not been taking the right meds. Maybe once he takes them he will become more rational. Finally, you can't love him through your strength. You can only love him through Christ's strength. You have been relying on yourself not God I would suggest. The more you can see him as a wretched sinner that Christ loves perhaps the easier it will be for you to love him in the same way.
David
www.help4life.net