AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am happy to answer any relationship questions or general psychology questions.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology, with special emphasis and advanced training in couples counseling and marriage therapy. I have been in practice for nearly 10 years and have helped hundreds of couples to improve and strengthen their relationships.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California, IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MS - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
BS - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please visit my website for my complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
I'm 39 years old and have been married to my husband for 15 years. He has an explosive temper and is also verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me. He yells at me, belittles me, calls me names, uses profanity and sarcasm, degrades me, criticizes me, and puts me down. He is very controlling and is typically a negative person. And to make matters worse, he's a perfectionist.
He says things to me like....
"If you would just do what I tell you, then maybe you'd get what you want from me."
"You don't even try! Maybe if you just tried, we'd be able to get somewhere. But you won't even try!"
"Any rational human being could have figured that out."
He has physically pushed me, shoved me into furniture or the wall (once he shoved me into the corner of the window sill and left a huge bruise on my backside), grabbed at me (he once left a bruise on my upper chest when he grabbed at my shirt, but got my skin caught in his grip), thrown water in my face (he's done that about 3 times now, as recent as this past Sunday) throws things (like the cup he used to throw water on me, a chair, a telephone book)and uses intimidation tactics (nashes his teeth, gets right in my face, shakes his fist at me).
He is ALWAYS blaming ME for us not making progress. It's always MY fault. While I know it not all my fault, I still feel the guilt from not wanting to try anymore. I'm so tired.
We have a 12 year old son who gets caught up in a lot of the fighting. He hears a lot. When I talk with him, he says that it makes him mad that his dad would treat me like that.
My husband has been willing to go to couseling several times since we've been married, however, he usually quits going when it gets to the "good" part. We were both in couseling together for about a year and a half, but quit because our counselor left the practice. I sought my own counseling, but quit due to money. Our insurance didn't cover it.
He keeps saying that he's willing to keep trying, but whenever I break down and say I'll try, things go back to "normal" rather quickly. We are currently not living together and haven't since June 2007. He lives with his mom, two blocks away. We are currently not talking and haven't seen each other or spoken since Sunday, when he threw the water in my face.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such an idiot because I keep falling for the same crap all the time. I've stayed, because I am Christian, and feel like I wouldn't be doing the "right" thing by leaving. I want to know, when is enough, enough? What should I do? Do you have any advise for me?
Answer Hi Jenny. Thank you so much for your question and I can understand why you are so exhausted. It sounds like you have through a lot and that he's really hurt you.
My sense is that he is abusive and that he doesn't see much wrong with his behavior. If you love someone, you don't hurt them, humiliate them, or throw water in their face. His behavior is hurtful, not loving and if he was willing to seek treatment, then maybe I'd advise you to consider in the relationship. However, if he doesn't want to address these concerns, then I think you need to ask yourself if you're willing to keep riding the roller coaster?
In my experience, abusive men don't get less abusive over time. I am sorry, I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but I need to be honest with you. So given that and that you have a 12 year old son who is learning how to treat women by watching how his dad treats you, I think you did the right thing by separating.
I have a strong faith base too and I don't believe that God wants any of us to suffer. I believe that marriage is a commitment and not something to be taken lightly. It seems to me that you are trying to do all you can, but that he is not taking his vow to love, honor, and cherish very seriously.
If you keep taking him back, it will keep reinforcing that his behavior is ok. I don't want him to keep hurting you or your son, so I'd recommend the following course of action and you can decide if it's right for you....
Your husband stays with his mom, has regular visitation with you and your son WHILE he seeks treatment, either individual therapy or a batterer's intervention class.
You start to take personal empowerment classes at a local domestic violence shelter or online; connect with other women in a similar experience and/or join a support group.
If your son is experiencing some grief and anguish too, he may also need some counseling and some of the DV shelters should have low cost/free referrals for you.
After you both have had some time apart and some counseling; re-assess and if you decide to move forward, some couples and family therapy might really help.
