Expert: Dana Q - 7/31/2008

Question
My boyfriend of 2 years says hurtful things and then says "I'm just Kidding"!!  He criticizes my cooking even though I'm known as a very good cook.  Recently I took a cake to a family gathering and he tried a piece right before I served it and made a face and acted like it tasted bad.  I was very stressed that everyone would hate my cake and tried to figure out what I had done wrong.  Then my cousin said it was the best pineapple upside down cake that she had ever had and asked for the recipe.  Several other people agreed.  He just kinda smiled sarcastically.  I was hurt that he tried to upset me.  He does these kinds of things all the time. He also criticizes my body even though I am in fairly good shape. He is also VERY jealous and suspicious for no reason. I am a good women who has always tried to treat him right, but nothing I do is good enough for him....  Is this abuse??

Answer
Hi Tami,

Thanks for writing to me.  Yes, what he is doing is emotional and verbal abuse.  Many abusers try to play abusive behavior off as "just kidding".  However, someone who truly loves you doesn't joke about things you're especially sensitive about or tease you in ways that he knows would hurt you.  The controlling, jealous, posessive behaviors are other major signs of an abusive relationship.  Here are some links I have found helpful where you can learn more about verbal and emotional abuse:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

General Info http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Cycles of Abuse http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effec...

I think if you read those pages, you will find your boyfriend has many of the characteristics of a verbal/emotional abuser.  You will also learn that abusers rarely change, and it is best to get away from them.  I think you need to move on from this relationship.  No one deserves to be abused.

Good Luck,

Dana Q