About Dwayne Anderson Expertise I know much about abusive relationships as I have some with members of my family. Come to me if you need assistance with your relationship problems.
Experience Experiencing abusive relationships with family.
I've been married to my husband for 15 years. He has a volatile temper and has been verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive. It seems that I'm always doing something to make him mad...........of course I get the usual lecture, which includes name-calling, humiliation, swearing, loud yelling, belittling, etc. If he gets mad enough, he's been known to push or shove me against the wall or other pieces of furniture, throw things (including throwing water in my face), and uses intimidation tactics like gritting his teeth, shaking a fist or getting in my face.
He'll say something like, "If you'd just do what I tell you to, maybe I wouldn't get like this." I'm left feeling like it's my fault that he gets so angry. He says I don't try........I don't give him a chance. But for 15 years I've been reading every book I can get my hands on that deals with anger. He would never read any of them. I begged him to go to counseling. He'd go for a few months, and then quit when the counselor started digging down deep. He'd get scared and run.
He is constantly on my case about my poor communication skills. The thing is, I don’t have problems communicating with anyone but HIM. He wants for me to tell him when he does something that bothers me. That sounds simple, right? Well, it’s NOT. In the past I’ve always gotten met with harsh words, criticism, etc. I have learned to keep my mouth shut, out of fear. He blames my lack of communication for us not making progress. Is he right? Am I to blame? I sure do feel the pressure……..the guilt.
I've gotten so tired........NO, exhausted! It's not that he's not willing to try. He says he wants to, but things never change. We spent 1 ˝ years in marriage counseling (Jan 2007-June 2008). It appears to have gotten us nowhere. I've lost my motivation to keep trying. So in return, I feel guilty........mostly because I feel like I’m the one who's giving up. He’s recently started reading some of the books that I bought years ago.
We have a 12 year old son. I would HATE for him to be like his father some day. It runs in the family, as my husband emulated his own father. It scares me to death. I don't know what's worse: exposing my son to the abusive behavior, or having him live without his father in his life.
My husband and I are currently not living together. We just went about a week without contact……..he called tonight and we spent 1 ˝ hours going over and over all this stuff AGAIN. As usual, my poor communication was the main topic. During the week of no contact, he made no attempt to reach out to our son. I don't know how he could do that. Again, I end up feeling badly because I don't want my son to blame ME for the distance between him and his dad.
I don't know what to do. Should I take him back again? How possible is it that he will actually change......and stay changed? I am so bad with change. It would be a huge, life-changing thing for me to leave. And then there’s the guilt. How do I deal with that and move on? I don't even have a job right now. What the heck am I suppose to do?
ANSWER: abuse is never the victim's fault. The abuser is the one who resorts to such actions, yet there is usually a reason for such.
You say your husband emulated his father? Was he himself a victim of abuse? If so, he should seek help for resorting to abusing his loved ones will do no good.
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QUESTION: I'm sorry, but I really have no clue what you just said there in your answer. The only thing I understood was "abuse is never the victim's fault". Ok, got it! After that, no clue. And you never answered my question.
Yes, my husband was a victim of verbal abuse by his dad. He also witnessed his dad physically abuse his mom.
So could you please answer my question stated in my former letter? What is the most logical thing to do in a situation like this........keep trying, or hang it up? I gave you a lot of information, and got very little in return.
Answer abusers can change their behavior and overcome their problems. They need to understand that abuse against others only causes more harm and no good.
if he still won't get help and change, you may not have a choice but to leave him. No one should be a victim of abuse.
