AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am happy to answer any relationship questions or general psychology questions.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology, with special emphasis and advanced training in couples counseling and marriage therapy. I have been in practice for nearly 10 years and have helped hundreds of couples to improve and strengthen their relationships.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California, IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MS - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
BS - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please visit my website for my complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
Question Hi Kathleen, I am very confused. I am so angry in my marriage and it has always been this way. My husband has never been much of a provider, he is extremely overweight, will not service the cars, mow the lawn, take pride in anything we own. He will go into a tiny bedroom, which should be our youngest childs bedroom, and play a computer game every night and all night long. He has always had some kind of habit that either took him away from us (me and our two kids) or cost money. Recently I recieved my stimulus check and we need a new couch, new tires for my car and I owe my grandmother money. His part of stimulus (our taxes were separate because he always owes something) so the education took his. However, he took half of mine to buy another computer for his gaming. He doesnt care that our lawnmower wont run, that our couch is in horrible shape or that my tires are bald. Now to me. I grew up with a mother who was verbally abusive to my father who stonewalled her. Looking back I think she just wanted his attention which he refused to give her. Now i am the one cursing my own husband, calling him fatass, doing hurtful things like not giving him lunch money when he runs out. I hate him. He has always made me be the man of the house, and rarely gives me attention. I am so angry. Is it me or him? I just want happiness in my life for once. I do take an antidepressant which has helped with my mood swings, but it seems like they're coming back or Im just getting angrier.
Answer Hi Marie. Thank you so much for your question. Yes, I can tell that you are really hurt, really angry, and maybe you feel a little lonely?
I am wondering if you are so desperate for your husband's attention that you're willing to do anything or try anything to get him to notice you?
My hunch is that he retreats to his videogames because it is an environment where he is safe, where no one questions him, where no one expects anything from him, where he is in control, and where no one hurts him. I wonder what might happen in your relationship if you could make your home life a little bit safer for him?
Don't get me wrong, I understand why you are frustrated and I would be too, but I think he may have shut down because he feels there's nothing he can do to make you happy. He might be thinking that it's better to do nothing than to do something that might make you upset. What do you think?
I wonder what would happen if you sat him down after dinner one night and said, "Mike, I really miss you. I really miss us. I know things have been rough between us lately and that I have been really angry. I get angry because I don't understand. Please help me understand how you've been feeling......"
Then really listen to him and try to hear what he's thinking and what he's afraid of. My hunch is that he really loves you and is afraid to screw up again.
Also, I'd like to encourage you to act in ways that make you feel proud of yourself and are loving. Calling him names serves no purpose other than making him more upset and more humiliated, which I suspect is the exact opposite of what you want. You want to act in ways that make him get closer to you, not push him away.
