Expert: Nafeesah - 7/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: i was in a verbal abusive relationship for 3 yrs, hard to leave but a month ago she had a graduation party for her son and she invited her ex husband and his wife, i knew she did like her but thats all i knew, anyway she tells me before every get together or party that shes not my babysitter or entertainment and leaves me , so i talk to everyone including her ex husband and wife, well she dump me because of that, she would dump me if the wind blew wrong,anyway it came down to she told me she just wanted me around to watch her dogs while she works, and free cell phone service and sometimes sex,very clear of that. i did it for  week and left, shut phone off and havnt talk to her since, why is she still mad and bitter? why is she still mad that i wouldnt be used? why does she actually think i would keep the phone on after she dumps me? is she more then abusive? i think so. her kids are the same way. shes 39 and has been cheated on and beaten in past relationships, help please.

ANSWER: Abusive relationships are hard to leave because of the psychological and emotional scars they leave. Sounds to me like your ex-girlfriend is exhibiting patterns of abusive behavior that was put on her by a past boyfriend or spouse and if she's got a pattern of being in abusive relationships she's likely to turn around and abuse a boyfriend or husband.

Abusers have this mentality that's selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. From my own experience with an abusive boyfriend he didnt care about my feelings or anything I did it was all about him.He used me for a cell phone which he and his nephew ran the bill up for and had the audacity to get pissed off when I brought it to his attention snapping about why I keep talking about it and told me to drop the subject and that I was to not bring it to his attention again. That was his way of saying he could careless that he screwed my credit up.

Abuse is abuse anyway you look at it she's abusing you psychologically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and socially. If she's gotten worse with each year she will not change and when the next guy comes along I am sure he'll be gone when he sees how she is. Abusive people should be dropped ASAP because they don't change until they see the person(s) they abused have gotten fed up and left the relationship. My ex would say I was nothing without him when it was the other way around he was nothing without me. He would say the most disrespectful and abusive things and that's because he felt he was entitled to treat people like garbage and they're to say nothing about it.

If she was using you it's a good thing you left because you deserve someone who's not going to abuse your feelings and treat you like you don't matter. Abusers are like this they think you don't matter and it's all about their needs and wants and they could careless about your joy and pain. You can do better than some abusive woman who's not even a woman in my standards. A real woman treats the man she loves with respect married or dating. You sound too nice of a guy to be putting up with that kind of BS.

Glad to see you didnt marry this woman because who knows how bad the abuse would have gotten had you done that. Good thing you got as far away from her as you could possibly go because sounds to me like the past abusive relationships your ex has been in made her mentally unstable and people who are abused are three times likely to abuse other people. You're still a good guy and you're still worthy of a good woman. All you have to do is meet one who's mentally stable and doesnt have a past dating history of abuse.


The minute a woman mentions that she was abused in a past relationship look at her behavior if she's acting the way your ex did leave her immediately and if she doesnt act that way then you can look at progressing forward in the relationship. First and foremost never let someone abuse and mistreat you because that tells abusers where your self esteem is. Abusers are not worth loving because they're a waste of time and energy to deal with. A real woman will respect your feelings, value and appreciate your thoughts and opinions, and appreciate the relationship and not taking you for granted.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: you are so right,didnt care one bit how i felt.if i had a problem she would decide if it was worth talking about, if it didnt bother her then i should get over it. what do they think when someone dumps them, are they happy? do they get mad because there not in control? im 50-50 right now, each week i get better.i still wonder over and over why and how she could just thru me away. i know its for the better. its funny i could do 200 things right, and 1 bad thing and she would bitch about that 1 thing and say nothing about the good. 3 yrs is along time, and like i said, shes told me over and over they all come back begging, and ive been there when some kept calling. so if one finally dont come begging like she said i would, what does that do to thier ego?

ANSWER: Actually your ex should keep telling herself that the men she treats like crap will come back when only a man with low self-esteem would stick around to go back to someone who mistreats him. Your ex didnt appreciate you if you could do 999 things right and one thing wrong she was looking for things to nit pick about. My ex did the same exact thing I could do 99 things right and one thing wrong and it's the one thing that he made a huge stink about. Usually abusers are so caught up in their own selfishness that it takes a reality check for them to really see that nobody cares about what they think.

Your ex will find herself alone if she continues to live the way she does and the fact that she's subjecting her kids to this they'll either become abusers or abusees. This kind of dysfunction is why many relationships don't last, and by you saying how some of the men she abused kept calling that tells you what low self esteem will do to some people. What makes this woman think you're going to come back begging for another chance and allowing her to misuse you again? This is what mental unstability looks like. I seriously think your ex is not only mentally unstable, but mentally ill at that if she finds contentment in abusing people.

I seriously think my ex is mentally ill since he too is the same way and there's that limit on the BS you can only deal with. If anything you did the right thing by leaving because you deserve better than some chump female who thinks she's entitled to abuse people because she's right in her own mind.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: ive gone back before, and she told me recently that if she calls me in a year i would come back, i said no ill be married, and she got mad and still hung on to that and was mad over and over. and her kids act like her, no respect for anyone, uses people, and yes they are abused. not bad but still the same. i mean i came after her family, friends, job, dogs, she told me to wait for her at her house so she could eat supper with a frind, i said ok, after being 2 hrs late and no call, i called her, she hung up and i called back and said im waiting what are u doing, she said, no answering to me, and turn it around so i was the blame, very good at that.

Answer
Manipulation is the abuser's biggest tool they utilize it to no end and from what your ex is doing she manipulated the relationship like a pair of puppet strings except you held the scissors and knew when it was time to cut them. If she blamed you for stuff she did she's seriously ****** in the head. My ex did this for a long time until he started believing his own BS nonsense. The sad thing is that your ex will be spending decades correcting the damage she's done to her children and you're lucky you didnt marry this woman because you would have long since ripped your hair out at the roots. The hard thing is when you go back you have an even harder time leaving. You had courage and strength to walk away from someone who didnt love, care or respect you. Abusive people don't have the capability of truly loving someone with actual love. Their idea of love is to degrade, humiliate, and cut you down to standards lower than theirs.

Has your ex openly degraded you in front of people besides telling you before going public of things she would not do or expected you to comply with. Abusers comply when people they mistreat walk out on them and that's when the reality snaps back at them. Some abusers wake up and smell the coffee and change their ways and some don't and continue being who they are. What you don't want is an abuser bringing you down and destroying the best part of you that could be better spent on someone who will appreciate and love you for the good person that you are.

It's sad that cold calculated women and men like our exes are even allowed an existence because the abuse they heap on people will come back and eventually bite them in the ***. If love is true you will find it in someone who is ready to be serious with a good guy like you. Don't worry your ex will get hers and trust me she'll see how god doesn't like ugly and will have her day to deal with the consequences of her actions. The issue is that men are visual creatures and it sometimes can have dire consequences and sometimes it can result in abusive relationships. The idea is to really think about who you get involved with because in this day and age it seems like guys are not looking for actual substance, but instead looking for women who favor popular actresses when they need to look at the nice real girls that are out here doing something with their lives.

You have potential to find someone who's really good for you and someone who is kind, loving, and compassionate about one special man and you deserve someone who will care, love, and appreciate the good person that you are and not misuse and abuse you as if you don't matter. Abusers also use people for their own selfish needs and wants and could careless if someone gets sick, hurt, or sidetracked the abuser always want what they can't have and they want. Control is the adrenaline rush in an abuser's mind because they run impulsively and think every rash decision they make is to be complied with by the person they're abusing.

Your love should be like money it's to be spent on someone who will appreciate it's value. Abusive people think they're entitled to drain the energy out of someone and expect you to put up with their nonsense even if it's bogus. I would walk on broken glass before going back to my abusive ex because he doesnt deserve any part of me and your ex can say all she wants about you coming back, but as long as you tell her it's not happening and there's this saying I love to say to losers who try to get back with me to build a bridge and get over it.