AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am happy to answer any relationship questions or general psychology questions.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology, with special emphasis and advanced training in couples counseling and marriage therapy. I have been in practice for nearly 10 years and have helped hundreds of couples to improve and strengthen their relationships.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California, IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MS - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
BS - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please visit my website for my complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
Question I can't fill up my entire experience with this man in one question, but I will try to be as clear as I can. I have been in a relationship for 10 years with the father of my child. He is the love of my life, and we were happy together for a long time, but I see that I need to leave him because he is pretty sick. He is threatening, violent (rarely but still...) verbally and emotionally abusive, blaming, etc. Of course, I will always have a place for him in my heart, but I believe its to the point where he can't mask it anymore, and will swing from loving to hateful in the space of a day, given enough stress, and I will not remain with him.He will not admit that he's unreasonable, and unfortunately for me, he is very intelligent and tends to make me doubt myself. We recently spoke and agreed that we would work together to find a place to live as we are in dire circumstances, and would go our separate ways (me with our daughter) afterwards. I am not comfortable with that(living with him), and I let him know. He said quite honestly that he wanted to start over and that he truly had no ulterior motives. He just wanted all of us to be happy. Perhaps other women share my experience with this. He usually does not make empty promises, he has had no problem in the past telling me he's done with us, quite cruelly.I guess my question is, is he REALLY that sick that he could lie and pretend that convincingly just because by living with me he could have a better apartment? Am I making him out to be a monster, or is he one that I need to run from? Are men really truly that manipulative? Should I get a room with my daughter alone with no car or sitter? I'm so confused. Thank you!
Marie
Answer Hi Marie. Thanks so much for your question and I can understand why this is such a confusing situation. It sounds like he is very loving at times, but also very abusive at times.
Before I specifically answer your questions, let me say that there are people who can have radical mood swings in one day, including people who suffer from chemical disorders and mental health disorders. I'd recommend he see a physician for an evaluation and to rule out bipolar disorder or some other mood disorder.
The pattern of behavior you describe does sound abusive to me. Typically, abusive behavior goes in a cycle....everything's fine, then there's a tension building/getting angry phase, followed by an explosion/angry outburst, and then a recovery/honeymoon phase - where the abuser will say/do anything to make things ok.
With respect to your specific questions, you asked:
"Is he REALLY that sick that he could lie and pretend that convincingly just because by living with me he could have a better apartment?"
I don't know, but I agree with your thinking that this is not a healthy relationship. Determining why anyone does anything can be tricky - abusers typically abuse because they need power and control.
You also asked: " Am I making him out to be a monster, or is he one that I need to run from? Are men really truly that manipulative?" I wish I could tell you more about his state of mind, but based on the information you provided, I think all we can conclude right now is that this is not a safe or healthy relationship for you.
I would highly advise you to find a domestic violence shelter in your area and talk to them about what help they can provide you. If he is prone to physical violence, then I don't think he will be especially excited about your leaving him, so I'd like you to work with someone or a shelter to develop a safety plan for yourself and your daughter.
