Expert: Dana Q - 7/19/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi…

I have been married to my husband for 15 years.  I would say that the entire marriage has been volatile, however, it's been a lot worse over the past 3 ½  years or so.  My husband has a violent temper........mostly verbal, although he has been mildly physical several times (pushing, shoving).  He belittles me, is controlling, degrades me, criticizes me, puts me down, is VERY negative and is a pessimist and perfectionist, just to name a few of his traits.  He always sees the glass as half empty.

During the course of our marriage, I have asked him.....no, I've begged him, to get help.  He did see several different counselors a few times in the past, but always stopped going when "the going got tough", and then he would regress to his "old" ways.  I have learned to live my life on edge, like I'm always walking on egg shells.  I have always been the peace-maker; I was the one that would try to make everything right.  I didn't want him mad at me, so I would sacrifice my own happiness and suppress whatever it was that I felt, just to not make waves.  (looking back, I know that was sooooooo wrong)

I just wanted to keep him calm.  I thought that “if I just made sure everything was perfect", he wouldn't get mad.  But it was inevitable.....there was ALWAYS a next time; he ALWAYS found something to complain about.  Well, as you can imagine, this has taken a toll on me....emotionally, psychologically and physically.  I suffer from chronic tension/stress headaches; psychologically and emotionally, I don't even know who I am anymore.  I have been trying to be the person my husband wants me to be, but have always failed.  I am such a people pleaser and I hate it!

About a year and a half ago, my husband discontinued a drug he was on to help manage his migraines.  Unfortunately, this drug (Depakote ER) is also used for bipolar disorder, so stopping it abruptly is not recommended.  He didn't know that at the time and stopped it, cold turkey.  Within a week of discontinuing the drug, he had a psychotic episode and literally flipped out on me.  He got extremely mad, pinning me to the floor, shoving me into the wall, trying to bite me, pulling my hair, grabbing at my face..........he also did physical damage to our house.  He kicked a hole in the wall and pretty much trashed the place.  Amazingly, he called the Crisis line himself for help.  Long-story-short, he ended up spending 6 weeks in a behavioral health facility getting his meds regulated.  

Of course I was scared, as was our son, who was 10 at the time (he is now 12).  When my husband got out of the hospital, of course he was on his best behavior. But things gradually went back to "normal", even though he was still in counseling.  He stayed in counseling for about a year and a half, which is definitely a record, but discontinued when his counselor left the practice.  I had also been going to counseling with him for almost that entire time.

During the time of my husband’s hospitalization, I got help and support from many people.  However, I ended up getting to know someone who has been more to me than just a support.  He became my listening ear; it was nice to talk to someone who understood, as he also had a very difficult marriage.  Unfortunately, I let my feelings get involved and have grown very attached to this man.  It was unintentional; I didn't go looking for it.  However, I do realize that I had a choice along the way, and chose to continue contact.  I take full responsibility for my actions.

(At the time, I was employed at a church as the Director of Worship.  I have since lost my job due to my involvement with this other man.  It’s a LONG story, but I’ll spare ya the lengthy details)  My husband knows about the other man and it has caused even more problems for us.  He doesn't trust me and certainly lets me know it...........smearing my face in it whenever he gets the chance.  I regret ever telling him.  

I asked my husband for some time alone because I needed to clear my mind.  I needed for him to leave me alone for a few weeks.  I told him that I wasn't sure I could continue in this marriage.......I didn't know if I still loved him.  He went into the "desperation" mode.  He claimed that he was changing and wanted to be the man I needed and wanted.  He said, "It's different this time....I really want to change, please just give me a change....believe in me, have faith in me."

I had seen him like that several times in the past.  I was very skeptical and scared.  I didn’t know if I even had feelings for him anymore.  I just didn't care. But as he finally gave me my space, I started noticing that it seemed like he was making some genuine changes.  I agreed to try again.

For about three or four weeks he was wonderful………….attentive to me in every way.  But when I lost my job, things started going back down hill.  All those negative traits came back, just like they never left.  I was devastated, as well and humiliated.  How could I have been so stupid as to fall for his empty promises?

Being a Christian, I have never believed in divorce, but am starting to have second thoughts.  I just don't have the strength to keep going like this.  I’m tired and I feel like a fool.  Just yesterday, I wrote him a lengthy letter via email spelling out exactly how I feel.  I was very direct and to the point, as he doesn’t like it when I beat around the bush.

Not surprising, he did not take it well at all.  We spent hours talking and arguing on the phone last night.  He’s furious that I waited until now to tell him all this.  I have always seemed to have a problem with communicating my feelings to him.  I’m afraid to express myself because of what I usually get in return………criticism, negative remarks, degraded.  It usually turns into a huge fight when I point something out that’s bothering me.  So I’ve learned to keep it to myself.  Unfortunately, I always get to the point where I can’t stand it anymore, and then it comes out.

The things I point out to him are ALWAYS the same.  My issues with him are ALWAYS about the way he treats me, how my needs aren’t getting met or about his uncontrolled anger.  He has heard my concerns about these things for over 15 years now, and it seems to continually fall on deaf ears.  Why should I want to keep bringing it up?  Shouldn’t he have gotten it by now?

He tells me that he “can’t remember”, so I need to keep telling him.  He says that he “just doesn’t get it”.  Sounds like an excuse to me.  For example, when it comes to meeting my needs, how is it that he can’t remember to kiss me or give me a hug when he comes home from work?  All I want is for him to show me that he loves me.  He says I need to remind him of these things so it becomes a habit.  A habit?!?!?!?  I don’t want him to do those things out of habit!  I want it to come from the heart.  And if I’m having to remind him constantly, it’s not coming from the heart.

We are currently not living together, and haven’t been since June 2007, when he moved back home with his mom.  He would spend about 3 nights a week here with me and the rest at his mom’s.  But since I sent that email to him yesterday, his nights here have come to an end.  All he sees is “divorce” written all over that letter.  All I suggested was that we try a trial separation.  I don’t know what else to do.  But now he’s very mad and even refuses to see our son, saying that “he hates me anyway!”

I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is.  I have to admit......I still have feelings for this other man.  But I don't want to end my marriage because of someone else.  I want it to be because that's the best thing to do.

I need some advice here.  I want to do what's pleasing to God, but I don't really know what that is.  I have such a wall built up around me.  I don't even feel willing right now to start tearing it down.  I don't have the strength.  My husband doesn't understand that.  He thinks I should just be able to “suck it up and try again”.  I am very hurt and scared.

Should I be giving my husband another chance?  And if so, how do I break through all the crap to even try?  When is enough, enough?  I am so exhausted and drained.  I feel like I've had the life zapped out of me.  I need some answers.  Can you help me?


ANSWER: Hi Lynn,

Thanks for writing to me.  Should you end this abusive marriage?  My answer to you is a resounding YES!  The most importannt thing to realize about abuse is that it is a never-ending cycle.  The pattern of your husband's behavior is consistent with the classic cycle of abuse: abuse, frantic apologies/promises to change and other "honeymoon" behavior, build-up of anger and resentment, then more abuse, over and over again.  While it's impressive that your husband has sought some treatment for himself (many abusers do not), you cannot put yourself and your son in danger by staying in this marriage any longer.  If he hasn't changed in 15 years with the aid of professional help, he most likely never will.  Your husband's response to your e-mail shows that he neither acknowledges nor accepts that his behavior is wrong.  If he truly wanted to change, he would admit that he has a problem.

You have put your husband's "happiness" ahead of your own for long enough.  Abuse is a soul-crushing, life-sapping process on a daily basis.  It escalates in severity over time, and can have fatal consequences.  Please do not allow yourself to become a statistic.  Remember that in order for your son to grow up healthy, he needs to see his mother loved and respected, not degraded and abused.  Since your husband feels your son hates him, your son is also at risk of becoming a target of the abuse.

As for the other man in this situation, I don't think you should end your marriage because of him or for him.  You should end it because of the abuse, period.  It is very tempting to run into the other man's arms right now because he provides an escape route from your marriage.  Given your situation, it's impossible for you to judge your feelings for him clearly.  When you end your marriage, you are going to need a lot of time (and probably therapy) to heal from it.  You won't really be in the position to offer yourself as a romantic partner to anyone.  After 15 years of being controlled and manipulated, you will have the opportunity to reconnect with who you are inside and to find out what you really want out of life and love.  Only after you have done that will you be truly ready to pursue another relationship.

Admittedly, I am an agnostic, so my view on what is pleasing to God is sketchy at best.  However, if there is a God, I am sure He would not want you or your son to suffer in this manner.  He gave you free will, and now you have to excerise that will to remove yourself and your son from a very dangerous and demoralizing situation.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Again!

I know this may sound like I am trying to make excuses for my husband, but I just wanted your perspective on this.

Last night my husband called, wanting to come and talk.  He's been reading a book on anger for a while now (A book that I originally read years ago and wanted him to read, but he would always refuse, saying he "wasn't a good reader".), and wanted my perspective on it.  So I let him come to the house to talk.  Of course he was calm and it went well.

I have been feeling very guilty because in all honesty, I haven't been giving the relationship 100% for a while now.....ever since the other man came into the picture.  I've also grown very weary of trying because of all the trying I've done over the years.  But I still feel guilty.  I feel like I have to give it one last try.....giving it 100%.......because if I don't, I will always feel like I didn't do enough or I didn't give him and honest chance.

Am I crazy?  Will I always feel this guilt, no matter how many chances I give him?.......regardless of my percentage of input?  Am I just making excuses for him?......letting him have control once again?  I don't want to be a complete fool, however, I suppose it's already too late for that.

Another question.......if I would decide to give it one last shot, do I tell him so and lay out all the "rules" before hand?  Or will that look like a threat, or ultimatum?  I don't want him to think that I'm looking for any excuse to bring the axe down on him, but I do want to get the point across that I need to see genuine, consistent change.  And if that isn't happening........if he regresses back to his "old" ways........then I'll need to move away from the marriage.  What are your thoughts on this?

Answer
Hi Lynn,

Your husband is trying to manipulate you here.  He's in panic mode because you left him, so now he is trying to lure you back by giving you what you want temporarily.  If you go back to him now, things will go smoothly for a little while and then there will be another event that infuriates him, setting off the abuse again.  This is a very common pattern.  It might be helpful for you to read some more information on the nature of abuse and its cycles; here are some that I have found helpful in the past:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

General Info http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Cycles of Abuse http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effec

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044/FLUSHCACHE=0&UPDATEAP

The guilt you are feeling is something that has been deeply ingrained in you from the beginning of the relationship.  Abusers "train" their victims so that when they react normally to abuse (i.e. wanting it to stop), they begin to question whether it might really be their fault.  Victims of abuse often make excuses for their abusers, saying that the abuser would stop abusing them if only they were (fill in the blank) enough.  Abusers tap in to their victims' psyches, figuring out what traits they don't like about themselves, and using those traits as a weapon against them.  For example, if the victim feels she isn't a good housekeeper, the abuser will use the state of the house as a reason to abuse her.  He will say that the abuse wouldn't happen if only she would keep the house clean.  This is very effective because it is something she feels guilty or inferior about to begin with.  In your case, you already feel guilty about the other man, so the idea that you're not giving 100% in the relationship is an easy excuse for him.

What you must keep in perspective here is that you have spent 15 years telling your husband how much the abuse hurts and trying to get him to change.  That time has not yielded any significant improvements.  Is it really likely that a brief period of separation has suddenly spurred the kind of transformation that 15 years was unable to achieve?  Please do not let yourself fall back into this trap.  Stay strong, and resist his quick-fix solutions to this very serious problem; they will not last.

Dana Q