AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer questions directly related to your challenging relationships. I will give you a straight forward answer to what I think the problem is.
Experience I have the experience needed to help you sort out how to work through your relationship. I meet weekly with people who have challenging relationships so let me help you!
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Question QUESTION: Ok so this might take awhile. I am eighteen and about a year ago I was going out with this guy for three years. I started dating him at the age of fourteen and I'd say he was my first real serious boyfriend which is why I presume I didn't notice when things got bad.knowing what I do now I don't know how things got so bad I've always been a very outgoing and strong person very my way or the highway type so for me its still hard to believe that it happened to me.thie guy was abusive in every way mentally, he would call me names and constantly ridicule me, emotinally, he'd yell and hit me if I cried or tried to stand up for myself against him at all and then physically, hitting me for crying or trying to stand up for myself. About 6 months after breaking up with him I met the most amazing guy in the world. I would have asthma attacks he'd be there in the middle of the night just to rub my back and comfort me he is just amazing and he's such a good guy. The problem though is I can't seem to break from my past relationship I refuse to cry in front him for fear he will yell or hit me, I freak out when he leaves worried he will not come back. This is not my normal behaviour I want him to go out and live his own life but I can't get past what happened before to me. I went to see a counselor but it didn't help much. Please give me sonme advice on getting over my insecurities.
ANSWER: Jessie,
If you keep jumping back into relationships without truly understanding yourself you will never become a fully healthy person. You have been in relationships since you were 14. I think you must be scared to be single. You say that you are this certain type of person, but where is the evidence of it? Maybe you want to be a strong person, but you have never been able to be because you are always in a relationship with someone. I would suggest get out of the relationship and be on your own for a while. Seek out a COMPETENT therapist who can help you figure out what Jessie is about. Continuing to rely on guys to help you figure out who you are is not the way to go.
David
www.help4life.net
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QUESTION: So basically you're telling me that I should give up something really good in my life. I'm sorry but I just can't agree with that I know your just giving me your opinion but to me it wasn't helpfum at all. I don't want to be a strong person I am let me give you an example my mom has been in and out of hospitals my whole life since I was four I take the responsibilities and help my dad I don't cry about it I worry yes but I don't mope and complain I deal with it. I've come from a strong family and personally knowing that you don't know me obviously I don't really take what you say to heart but it annoyed me when you make me sound incompetent. I have never relied on guys until my first real boyfriend because there wasn't really any other way I saw it I was young and naïve believing that he could make everything better. I am not in anyway beliving now that my boyfriend will make me better he helps me and we keep eachother on the right track but I have no beliefs whatsoever that he will wave a magic wand and things will go away. The thing is after my faulty relationship that happened with one guy for three years I wanted to stay single problem was life happens and things come along that are unexpected I fell in love and yes I will say I fell in love with my boyfriend now I want to be with him I enjoy being with him and respect him I want to make him happy and see him enjoy his life. Its not my fault this happened god works in mysterious ways. Right now we are quite happy together. I'm not scared to be single I enjoy it a lot I like havong all my time for my family and friends rather then having to split time between family friends and boyfriends. I am a musician and I've worked very hard to become sucessful I don't want a guy coming in and messing things up I am happy where I'm at I just want my insecurities of him cheating on me and abusing me to end because logically I know that's not true. I have a good guy and am at a good place in my life right now to tell someone even as an opinion to cut their relationship is ridiculous you'd rather I give up a good guy wait a few years and find another one who will mess me up again. I'm trying to be reasonable but I don't see how you can say that to someone knowing that yeah they have problems but they are in a good relationship. You want me to hurt myself to make myself feel better.
Answer Jessie,
You are right you know what is best for you so don't listen to others. I figure when people write me they give me their best shot. So you gave me your best shot at what is going on. I responded with my training, knowledge and experience truthfully back to you. Your response back is that I don't know what I am talking about. I imagine that is probably what happened with the previous counseling. You didn't like where it was going so that counselor was the problem. My point to you is that at 18 you still have A LOT of maturing to do. You have not lived single as an adult either at all or for a very short time so getting caught up in a relationship when you describe serious intimacy issues does not seem wise. If you continue to base your life on feelings and falling in love etc...you will not move ahead emotionally and will continue to suffer with your insecurities.
David
