Expert: David Simonsen - 7/16/2008

Question
I'm 21 and my girlfriend is 19. We've been together for 3 and 1/2 years so far with many ups and downs. After about a year or so of being together problems started arise. She'd do something that hurt me, like drinking (I'm straight edge and can't be with someone who drinks, she understood this and not only had no desire to drink but also vowed to not drink ever) or something similar and rather than confront her about it, I'd push her away a little to keep from getting hurt. I was afraid of losing her so I'd try and avoid confrontation, but at the same time I felt some of what she did went without saying, which is why I'd push her away. After about another year and a half we became so distant that we'd only see each other for a few hours a week, and usually we'd just spend that time having sex. In my heart I still loved her but she had done so much that hurt me that she became a different person than the one I fell in love with. She stopped being someone I wanted to date and became just someone I could sleep with. Eventually she left me. The distance became to much for her. But being away from her made me relalize that I still loved her and cared about her, so I went out of my way to get her back. We started talking gradually more and more. We started spending more time together.We talked about why I pushed her away and what hurt me. And eventually we got back together.And it was the relationship we both always wanted. BUT i have really bad jealousy and trust issues. She told me she'd never to anything to hurt me again but I can't trust her after everything she did.(went to night clubs with one of her 'Guy Friends" got drunk and did drugs, pole-danced and stripped) also After spending so much time with her I realized how much of her life I missed out on. So now while our relationship is the best it has ever been, I get jealous whenever she goes out or does something with out me cause I end up feeling left out. And I have a hard time trusting her when I'm not around, especially when she's around the friends that she'd drink with. and it's become a serious problem. yesterday I was planning on surprising her after a job interview I had  with lunch just the two of us because she told me she was gonna stay home all day. However when I got out she had made plans with her friends I don't trust to hang out at one of their houses all day. I was angry cause I felt she wasn't honest with me about her plans. Jealous cause I felt left out cause she said I couldn't come. and paranoid cause I didn't know what she'd be doing. I tried talking to her about this but she brushed it off and said my reasons for being hurt were stupid and I needed to get over it, than she turned her phone off. So after a couple of hours of getting worked up, I tracked her down and drove to her friends house. Honking my horn and demanding she come out and talk to me. We got into this huge fight and she drove off and I followed her home, where we fought some more. Now she won't answer my calls and doesn't want to see me for a week while she decides if she still wants to be with me.  She says I'm controlling, even though I've never done anything like that before, and that I'm manipulative because I don't want her doing anything that could lead to me getting hurt. I don't want to control her but I'm scared of getting hurt again and I feel that she doesn't understand why certain things bother me.  I'm afraid I'm either gonna have to deal with getting hurt some more or I'm gonna have to lose her. I know alot of my hang ups and issues need to be resolved but I also think she should be more understanding about my feelings and concerns. I don't know what I should do.

Answer
Phil,
C'mon this is not how dating is supposed to be. You started dating when you were teens and now you are adults. It sounds like it is time to move on. You are showing that you can't and if you continue someone is going to get the police involved. Dating is supposed to be a time where things go well. Why would you try to force her to be in a relationship with you? You should want someone who willingly is there with you. The more you force her the more you show your neediness and desperation. People don't want to be around that they often think it is pathetic. It is time to move on.
David
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