Expert: Nafeesah - 7/25/2008

Question
My daughter recently got married. We found out just before the wedding that her then-fiancee had given her a confession/ultimattum AFTER they were engaged: He admitted that he wanted to continue having sex with multiple women and that he would only stay with my dauther if she agreed with this lifestyle. She was devastated, but then gave-in and joined this lifestyle. They continue to have sex through internet relationships with others on a regular basis.She claims she now loves this lifestyle.  I am worried for her safety and psychological well-being. We do not want to have anything to do with him, and she is standing by him. It is destroying my relationship with my daughter. She only wants to have a relationship if we accept him and act like everything is fine. I have suggested getting together with my daughter just as mother-daughter. She feels that she and her husband are a team and it's both of them or neither. I fear losing my daughter, but cannot stand the sight of this manipulative loser.

Answer
When you're dealing with abuse this is what you get is manipulation and knowing that your daughter got sucked into this sick nut's lifestyle. Unfortunately the way to deal with an abuse victim is to threaten to cut them off and it takes time and experience for them to snap back to reality. When women settle for men like your son in law have no self esteem or self respect when she's being told that the only way he'll deal with her if she goes along with what he wants. Your daughter is lying to herself if she's saying they're a team when it's not a healthy marriage. Don't let your daughter manipulate you or your family if you see something isnt right it's time to cut her off and tough love maybe the only way as much as you hurt and love her as her mother. When she is being controlled by someone who's psychologically and emotionally abusive she's in a state of mind that makes her unreachable. Tell her that she's welcome to come home, but your son in law is not allowed to come around and if she sticks with him unfortunately you can't do anything about it because it would be up to her to leave this guy and find better. All you can do is pray that she wises up and leaves this guy and be there for her for moral support if and when the time comes for her to leave this guy for good.