Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 7/10/2008

Question
Many women are well educated and career oriented in Saudi Arabia and Arab countries. They use their all abilities and worked hard, as a result they earn more than their husbands. But, many husbands cannot tolerate the successes of their life partner. They do not co operate personally with wives who need them as a working lady. They begin to tease, mock and discourage their wives. Many of them pull their wives legs due to frustration which lead to spoil the atmosphere of home and ultimately the marriage life. It affects negatively o the children as well.

Being expatriate working women, they do not have any close relatives to support them mentally and physically. Many leave the careers to keep satisfy the ego of their husbands.


What is the Psyche of men regarding this issue?

What these women should do to handle this problem?

What is the responsibility of the husband of a successful woman?

I would be very thankful if you reply me soon in detail-

Regards/

Sameera Aziz


Answer
Sameera,

After reading your question I spent about two hours browsing the Internet for information on male female relationship in Saudi.  Of course, two hours reading does not even begin to equip me to moralize on the right or wrong of the kind of behavior you suggest comes from Saudi men to their successful wives.

I somehow, however, sense that you have answers to the questions you ask.  Why don't we engage in some dialogue here?  Why not share what you think?

From some of what I have read it seems that in general, under the sharia laws, women have limited rights in Saudi Arabia.  From the western point of view it seems that Saudi women are treated as inferior beings, inferior to men, that is; that men can disrespect them at will.

Whether what I have read is propaganda or facts, I do not know.

It is challenging for me, one who respects the value and equal worth of every human being, man, woman, or child, to understand how intelligent women could subject themselves to the taunting and ridicule of someone with whom they share intimacy at home.  When this is allowed in countries where gender equality is the norm, we try to help the victim of abuse realize her/his responsibility for maintaining her/his self-respect, and safety.

But when we are addressing women whose very survival could be endangered if they become too assertive, I wonder what happens to such women's desire for self-actualization. Is there cultural pressure to conform?  Is there fear to set boundaries for their husbands?  Is there room for courage to flourish and allow the woman to say, 'your behavior is unacceptable to me'; or is it that a completely different mindset exists among our Saudi sisters, a mindset we won't ever be able to understand?  Is there outrage among Saudi women that the victim of a rape could be put to death, while the perpetrator of the act gets away with a lesser, though perhaps, humiliating, sentence?  Is there outrage, or is there apathy, for one reason or another?

So you see, Sameera, I perhaps have more questions than answers.  And this is why I think that it would be very instructive, if instead of trying to give some palliating response here, I invite you to dialogue, for the sake of perhaps many more who would really like to express themselves on this issue.

Of course, from my point of view, the responsibility of any husband is to be supportive to his wife, and vice versa.  The responsibility of any husband should be to encourage this woman he says he loves.  If he feels inadequate next to her because she has developed herself to a level above the norm, he could be motivated to pursue self development so he also could feel good about himself.

The behavior you described seems to betray a low level of emotional maturity, like the jealous, or ugly sniping, of a child.  Love cannot flourish in disrespect.  Husbands should know this.  Wives should know this.  Marriage, in my philosophy, must be for mutual enhancement; never should it accommodate any attempt to belittle, or discomfort.  

But a people's culture is implanted deeply in their way of life, so I wonder if even though a Saudi woman might be resident in a country which allows her freedom as a person, she still feels culturally bound to take whatever in her homeland disrespecting men could subject the women to.

ES