Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 7/14/2008

Question
I have a tough situation with my father. He is mentally and to some extent physically abusive to my mother and my teen aged sister who are currently staying together. I have experienced the abusive behavior constantly, rather everday in my childhood from my father. He keeps down grading all of us. We are not allowed to speak anything against him. He gets angry for petty things. If he see that even a simple thing is not according to his wish, he makes a war at home. My mom usually keeps silent to avoid him shouting and it even raises his voice. He takes alcohol everyday and in the evening and starts off this non-sense on the dinner table. We are 3 sisters and all of us have felt the heat of this. Now that i am married and living away, i dont face it much, but whenever i call home, i get to hear the situation and it is going worser than ever. My sister is not even able to concentrate on her studies. My father shouts, throws food, beats mom and sis, speaks all bad words against them etc. He has never tried to understand how we feel about it. Life seems so blue with him.

I really started developing hatred towards him. If i speak anything to him, even kindly about the situation, he willl say that my mom has turned her children against him and thats wht we speak like that. Its as good as he thinks that we cannot think anad nalyse the situation by ourselves. Even some concellers had come home and he made a big fuss about all that.

He has emotionally turned all of us sisters so down, somehow i managed to study well and earn a good living.I dont want my sisters or my mom to suffer all these and get it affect their career and life.

Please advice.

Answer
Anna, abuse can dampen one's energies and zest for living. Why?  Because the abused members of the family take the abuse so personally.  It is like their entire personality becomes malleable in the hands of the abuser.  I get the impression that this is what has been happening with your mom and sibling(s).  Their mind is bombarded with mental and emotional blows nonstop and therefore these lovely persons who should be free, and fun loving must have developed self-protective defense mechanisms that no doubt, dim the glow of their otherwise pleasant disposition.  And of course, you are distressed.  

But I am wondering, Anna, could it be that your father is emotionally ill, and that what you are taking for 'whatever' -- wickedness, irresponsibility, whatever -- are symptoms of a man struggling with his own demons; trying to survive?

I suggest calling in the Social Services people.  He might not realize that he needs help.

No one deserves to spend their life in an abusive environment.  No wife, no mother, should subject their children to continuous abuse.  There is always a way out.  Risky?  Yes.  But as some have said, if we don't push, nothing moves.  

It sounds like your father needs psychiatric care.  If he knows he could lose his family support unless he gets help he might be persuaded to voluntarily attend to his own mental health.  But your Mom has to be courageous enough to, not merely bring in Counselors, but get the Social Services people in, and possibly even the Protective Services.

Tough decisions?  Yes.  But your father's behavior is destroying lives, and must be contained. Your Mom is not powerless.  Neither is your sister.  They have allowed fear of your father to push them to surrender their power to him.  Imagine that?  We surrender our power of control over ourselves to persons who can't even control their own selves.  We must take back our power and right to be in control of our own self.  The only one to whom we should submit power of control over our mind and soul is that Higher Power I call God.

Dr. ES