Expert: Dana Q - 7/2/2008

Question
Hello,
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Of course, there weren't any obvious signs of an anger issue at first but as time went on and we got closer it seems like I'm the target for all of his fustration. I know he'll never hit me or anything but the words that come out of his mouth and how they come out can't be healthy for our relationship. Then, he gets over it in about 5 minutes and tries to be all sweet and apologize while in the meantime I'm still hurt over what he said. It doesn't happen everyday or anything but it happens enough. It can be the slightest little thing...like last night when he couldn't find the cell phone, he starts ranting and raving (loud enough to wake someone up out of their sleep)about I had it last and I need to learn how to keep up with stuff...bla bla bla without even asking me if I really did have it last (or if I say I didn't have it last it wouldn't matter because his mind is already made up that i did)...I noticed that I've started to get mad and yell back. Of course, when I yell back there's a problem. Talk about hypocritical. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and he loves me. Everytime he gets mad he always apologizes and even sometimes admits to having an anger problem but it still doesn't change anything. Sometimes he Hello,
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Of course, there weren't any obvious signs of an anger issue at first but as time went on and we got closer it seems like I'm the target for all of his frustration and stress. I know he'll never hit me or anything but the words that come out of his mouth and how they come out can't be healthy for our relationship. Then, he gets over it in about 5 minutes and tries to be all sweet and apologize while in the meantime I'm still hurt over what he said. It doesn't happen everyday or anything but it happens enough. The slightest thing can set him off. Like one day he couldn’t find the phone so he started ranting and raving at the top of his lungs asking me if I had it last and if I did I sure as hell better find it! Oh, and don’t let me not be able to find it right away if I did have it. I don’t even get a chance to think about where I had it last before I start hearing him yell “You can’t ever keep up with s***!! Bla bla bla….I’ve even gotten to the point where I get mad and yell back (I guess I do it because it’s better than crying – yea I’m a big baby). Oh but of course, that’s just not acceptable…That just starts another thing for him to be mad about…”You better calm the **** down talking to me like that! Are you crazy?!! Etc…etc… And don’t let anyone try to jump in…they’ll get their head chewed off too, he’ll direct all his anger on them and then sometimes be even more mad at me. Don't get me wrong, he loves me dearly and I love him. We’ve never had any other problems besides this. I mean when he’s great he great! But when he’s not he’s really not. He ALWAYS apologizes and even sometimes admits to having an anger problem but it still doesn't change anything. He even calls me at work to apologize for something he said if we left each other on bad terms. Sometimes it seems like he's getting better then he'll just blow up again. We both want to be in this relationship and he says he wants to change. It's just a matter of taking steps I guess. Any suggestions??? He plans to go to the Air Force…I’m wondering what’s going to make him stop overreacting…Anger Management or the Air Force? I’m not sure if he can even  last through basic training…I’m afraid he’ll end up chewing out the officers and getting kicked out either that or they’ll break him down so bad he has a complete turn around. What’s your analysis of the situation? I’ve never talked to anyone about this so I’m just kind of interested to hear what someone thinks. Any advice you have will be very much appreciated!


Answer
Hi Liz,

Thanks for writing to me.  Your boyfriend exhibits many of the classic signs of a verbal abuser.  Do not let the fact that he apologizes for his behavior or makes extreme romantic gestures fool you; that is the classic cycle of abuse - outbursts of anger followed by frantic attempts to make up for them.  Unfortunately, most abusers aren't capable of permanent change because their skewed thinking prevents them from seeing that their actions are unhealthy and wrong.  Here are some links that will give you more information on the nature of verbal abuse and its cycle:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

General Info http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Cycles of Abuse http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effec...

My advice to you is to leave your boyfriend.  Three years with him have taught you that this situation isn't going to change.  While some verbal abusers never become physically abusive, there is evidence to suggest that verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse.  The main thing you have to realize is that if he hasn't changed by now, he isn't going to.  I think your predicition that he won't make it through basic training is accurate; he won't be able to control his abusive tendencies, especially since you, his "safe" target, won't be there for him to abuse.  Please save yourself a lifetime of walking on eggshells and get out of this relationship now.

Good Luck,

Dana Q