Expert: Dana Q - 7/22/2008

Question
I was dating my now ex bf for almost 2 years. The first few months were great. He's more financially stable and successful than I am and he would buy gifts and take me travelling around the world. He then started to argue with me alot about everything, saying I have a bad job ( one that im very happy at), my friends arent good friends and that I should find others, I havent travelled the world so I cant be smart,Im not great at cooking so he'd complain about that, if I  helped out with his laundry he'd get angry that it 'wasnt done under his supervision', etc and the list goes on. It would get so bad that his sister was afraid he's hit me. He'd constantly remind me that he wanted me to stay quiet and not say anything and that would make him happy. Then he'd go on saying how lucky I am to have him and that he doesn't cheat or hit me and that Id never be able to find anyone as great as him. With him always saying that over and over again, every time I tried to leave Id always come back to him. Our arguments got so bad I decided I needed space to find myself again. Yelling everyday wore me out and I was very unhappy. After a month or so, I wanted to get back together with him b/c I love him. He decided I wasnt good enough for him but he'd like to remain friends b/c we have a dog together. I tried to be friendly but I wanted more, I still love him and after all the times he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me and that no one else would want a future with me. I can't let him go. My friends say that he was disrespectful when we were together,always flirting with other women pretending he was single, frequently travelling and not calling me,and if he did was only to yell at me if I sent him a txt message to him phone. My friends also said that he was verbally abusive.... but when I asked him about it he asked his friends and said no he's not, and that Im just crazy. He'd call me crazy and say bad things about me to his friends whenever he got the chance ( his sister would tell me about it afterwards). After trying to get back with him for more than a month and trying to be friends I told him I cant be just freinds with him and that he should keep our dog. After everything he's said to me over the past year and a half I feel so worthless and hopeless and that meybe he was right, who's going to want me? I cant cook, I have a job that only pays triple the minimum wage, I dont own a house and I havent travelled that much. I dont know why but I feel like I still love him and that I want to be with him. Ive been keeping myself busy with my friends, travelling, and spending time with family.... Why do I still feel so bad about myself?

Answer
Hi Victoria,

Thanks for writing to me.  You still feel badly about yourself because he has brainwashed you into thinking you aren't worth anything.  You do not need him in your life.  He is a classic abuser - controlling and manipulative.  He tells you that no one else will want you in order to break down your spirit so that he can be as abusive to you as he wants to.  That isn't love - that is sick behavior.  Your ex is sick.  He has a twisted view of relationships and love.  He will never be truly happy and that is not your fault.  You could be absolutely perfect and he would still find something wrong with you, because tearing other people down is the only way that he feels good about himself.  Abusers don't change, so you have to resist the urge to go back to him, no matter how strong the temptation.  He may go overboard in his attempts to get you back - apologies, flowers, promises to change, threats that you won't find anyone else, etc.  Do not believe him; he is simply doing that to lure you back into the relationship so that he can abuse you.

When you think of him, remember how unhappy and emotionally drained you were each day when you were with him.  Think about how truly crazy HE is.  You should feel lucky because he doesn't hit you or cheat on you?  Those are the greatest things he has to offer?  That's truly pathetic.  You are worth more than someone whose best characteristics are that he doesn't hit or cheat on you.  Know that you are worthy of love.  There are men out there who care about more than how much you make or whether you own a home.  There are men out there who will love you and respect you for the person you are, not the person they think you "should" be.  The only way you can find them is to stop wasting your time with this man.  He isn't worth it.

Good Luck,

Dana Q