Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 8/13/2008

Question
Hello,
I am 51 years.  My husband & I have been married for 28 year.  Early in our marriage, he was physically abusive towards me.  We had 2 sons together and when they were around 4 & 5 I left him.  He promised to change and after awhile I went back to him.  He hasn't hit me since but his anger is so scary.  He will throw or hit things and feels he must always say what's on his mind regardless of how it might affect someone else.  For all these years I have never been able to really express myself or be who I really am because deep down I have this fear of him.  It's like all these feelings I've tried to suppress over the years are coming out now.  The past 2 days we have talked extensively about this.  He just doesn't seem to get it.  He says he hasn't hit me in years and he can't believe I'm still holding that against him.  I just keep going over in my mind all the times he scared the boys & caused them to cry and I feel like I let them down because I didn't leave him and try to create a better home life for them.  (Both of them are married & have their own homes now.)  I am a recovering alcoholic/addict & have been sober/dry for over 6 months.  I know that a big reason I abused drugs/alcohol was to try to escape these feelings.  I must deal w/them in order to stay sober.  My sponsor says I may need professional counceling.  Have you seen marriages like mine work out successfully?  Some days I feel like I'm going crazy.
Thank you for your help and insight,
Karen

Answer
Karen,

Any relationship can work out successfully.  Individuals form relationships.  What you bring with you influences the response that comes back to you.  Cower in fear, and you grow angry because you are suppressing your God given right to express your feelings and to live the free life you deep inside know you ought to be living.  Your problem is closing the gap between how you are living and how you know you ought to be living.

Suppression of feelings feeds anger though we mistakenly convince ourselves that the anger is caused by the individual whose relationship with us shows up our problem.

Thank God your sons are grown and on their own.  Talk with them about seeking help early if they ever feel the need to talk.

Needing to benumb your brain in an effort to quiet your agitated mind must have been behind the drinking and addiction; but as you see, our mind really cannot be quieted.  I am glad for you that you are six months dry.  Celebrate and give thanks.

Your husband gives what he has.  He cannot give you what you wish he would if he does not know how to.  Life experiences constitute a training ground but not all of us understand the lessons these experiences teach.  Unless your husband does some learning, he will continue thinking the way he learned to process information from his youth.

Your problem is not your husband.  It is you.  And since you are a recovering addict it seems that you are in the process of helping yourself.

Marriage, someone has said, challenges us to love.  You can leave your emotionally and mentally abusive spouse for a less reaction-triggering environment, or you can do some inner work, and stay in the marriage as a testing ground, for your growth.

Your distress comes from what you tell yourself when your husband behaves in certain ways.  What you tell yourself triggers off certain kinds of feelings in you.  Those feelings and thoughts control and direct your behavior.  Now, change the negative self talk you indulge in in response to your husband's behavior, and watch your experience change.

Change your response.  Instead of reacting to your husband, stay in control of your behavior.  Be the woman you want to be.  Even if for a day.  And this is going to be a challenge but you can do it.  

Be proactive instead of reactive.  Do some prior self-talk.  What if when he does so and so, or speak in such and such a way, I remain calm, think calm, exude calm; no reaction; no triggering off of self-pity; no withdrawing; no behaving as a victim.  What if I stand in my God given dignity, as some one unfazed by his unleashing of another tirade.   What if I just listen to what he is saying with a keen interest in understanding what he is feeling, and instead of focusing on how I am feeling, reflect back to him what I hear him saying, how I hear he is feeling; just to let him know that maybe for once, I am trying to see the picture from his angle; just for once I am really listening; giving to him what I have always wished he would give to me, a truly listening ear.

I do not have to resist hearing him.  No matter how harsh his words, they do not dictate who I am, so I do not have to run from hearing what he says.  I will listen to what he says his problem is with me, and look at myself to see if indeed I need to make some changes in the way I do things.  But I must know that even if his criticisms are valid, they address my behavior, which I can change; they do not address my worth.  I must know for myself that I am okay.  I am not perfect, but I am worthwhile.  I am important.  I am somebody.  I am adequate.  I am accountable to me for who I am, not to him or to anybody else.  I must know this.  I must that I am strong.  I am courageous.  I am lovable.  I accept me with all my past errors and innate strengths.  I accept me now and I am not dependent on another's acceptance of me to feel whole.  Knowing my strength I can listen to him express his weakness or strength and not feel the need to crouch, or retaliate. Knowing my indisputable worthiness, I can drop the defensiveness and listen to him express himself and know that regardless of what he is saying he is revealing more about himself in his communication than he is saying about me.

Sometimes to build our confidence and learn to express our strength we need a break from old environments.  Some can mentally give themselves such a break in the same physical environment.  Some find a religious group with whom they could fellowship, go on a retreat perhaps, and away from the hustle and bustle, take time alone for inner renewing before they return to the daily challenges.

But yes, your marriage can work.  You have to know your strength.  Stop draining your power in repeated displays of weakness.  You are not weak.  You are strong.  You are powerful.  The spirit gives you no rest till you acknowledge your innate strength and live out of your own power center.

Blessings.

Dr. ES