Expert: Dana Q - 8/4/2008

Question
very good friend of mine is in a abusive relationship with a guy and has been for over three years. She has known him for about 10 years and he proposed on their very first date. She said yes, because it was such a monumental display of affection from a usually unsocial, cold person. Since then he has told her to kill herself rather than ring him when she felt suicidal, told her he'd leave her if she ever woke him by ringing at 11am and demanded that she work full-time whist he had no job and worked on his university thesis which he barely worked on. She tells me how she can't stand being with him or sleeping next to him but their relationship councilor says that it's up to her to make the effort even though he doesn't care and considers her objective loss. She also met a guy about this time last year who seems to really love her, and comfort her and want to make her happy. All her friends and her family like this guy and much prefer him to the boyfriend but she won't leave the boyfriend because she's too afraid of having nothing. She says that she's not used to having everything (offered by the new guy). Her psychiatrist has told her to give it a while with the councilor so that either she can emotional remove herself (he believes she already cognitively knows that its dead and a waste of time) or that counseling will fix everything. She reckons that no matter what happens she will end up staying with the boyfriend because he gives her crumbs, destroys her spirit making her feel worthless then suddenly giving a glimmer of hope. During this period she has decided to cut off the new guy because she wants him out of the way so he doesn't get hurt. How do I help convince her that a) she's not worthless b) to leave the boyfriend and c) to keep in touch with new guy so she doesn't loose him?

Answer
Hi Kay,

Thanks for writing to me.  You have my sympathies as you are in a tough situation here.  Really all you can do is give her emotional support and encourage her to keep in contact with the better guy.  She will need to work out her emotional issues with a professional.  If you push her too hard to leave her boyfriend, she may cut off contact with you entirely.  It's better to approach it from an "I'm here whenever you need me" kind of stance.

Good Luck,

Dana Q