Expert: Nafeesah - 8/14/2008

Question
Help! I have three kids, none are his, yet he acts as though they are. He calls me horrible names in front of the kids, and destroys my property, yet tries to turn my family against me. Although my parents claim to hate him, if I try to leave him, he will call them and say I am mentally unstable, or drunk, or on drugs, and not to listen to me, or will find any way to make others believe he is right, and I am in the wrong, leaving me nowhere to turn. I have called 911 on him and he was arrested, now anytime we fight, if I even go near a phone he will rip it out of the wall and say things like, "If you call I will make your life a living hell until they get here!". He even has my kids terrified to leave that they won't have anything without him around, and that everything belongs to him! He has threatened to call my employer and spread false rumors about me to get me fired, he has also threatened to call DCFS and make accusations to try to get my kids get taken away if I try to leave him. I feel trapped, and scared and alone. My kids never want to stay home, they want to be at friends houses all the time because they can't stand to see the fighting. When I talk to my family alone, they just tell me to either leave him, or find a counselor to talk to about it. I make good money, but not enough to pay all the bills, car payments, and rent too. Most of the furniture in the house is mine, and I believe he would either try to destroy it all, or do anything to make sure I have nothing. Where do I turn? I feel I have nobody to help me.

Answer
This is the time to leave and I mean LEAVE because the longer you stay the worse the abuse gets. Pack the kids up and find a trusted family member or friend who will let you stay at their place. This is why women should never live with a man because abuse for women in domestic partnerships goes up 5 times than a woman who's married. When your kids don't want to be at home it's time to make changes. If you have trusted friends and family have them to help you move and do it a little at a time enough so it won't draw suspicious looks from neighbors. Start with moving out clothes and leave just enough so your bf doesnt know what's going on. Keep a cell phone on so you can call someone, but have it on low so he can't hear it. When your family says to leave him they're saying it because what can they do about it since in the end it all falls on you to leave this guy.

I would start looking for apartments and see if you can get a place right away and if you know your boyfriend's work schedule I would do the move out during weird and off-beat times because patterns too consistent can draw attention from your neighbors who can tell your boyfriend what you're doing and even revealing your new residence. When you leave forward all your mail to another address until you get your place set up. If you're living in a house move out through the back door it doesnt draw attention. Get a UHaul and start moving all the furniture out of the house because if you paid for it which makes it yours. I would also tell your children to not say what's going on since your bf could start questioning them. Also tell trusted family and friends not to tell your boyfriend anything if he calls and harasses them. Also speak to your boss about your situation and give him or her the heads up so if he calls or shows up they can have a plan in place to deal with him.

Also I would file a restraining order against him so he can't hurt you, but you have to stick to everything consistently meaning you can't get RO on him and then decide he's not going to keep hurting you. This type of manipulation is actually the worst form of mental abuse since abusers will do whatever it takes to get you to let your guard down and this is what costs a lot of women their newfound freedom. Abuse does not get better it only gets worse as time goes on. Leave this guy for the sake of your kids and when you take ample time to recover from dating again I would not bring another man into the house unless you are planning to marry do not live with a guy maintain your own place. You want your kids to feel safe coming home to a place where it's just them and you not some man who's sleeping in their mother's bed. Please think of your kids and give them a safe place to come home to.