Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 8/9/2008

Question
my sister is in an abusive relationship and i want to help her.....i dont know who i can call though....she lives in moncton new brunswick canada....i live in atlanta georgia and im scared we are goin to loose her.

Answer
Sara, there would be several things I would do if I were feeling how you are feeling.  I would be crying out, "God, watch over my sister. You have to protect her!"  And I would quickly get on to the telephone number for local Information in Moncton, New Brunswick and ask them what number I should call if a loved one is in danger in that region, and I would get on to that number and tell them I am calling from the US and I am scared for my sister's safety.  I would then call the closest FBI office (in Georgia) and ask them to please tell me what to do, reporting on what I had already done--who I had called.  Then I would call the closest precinct to where I am and tell them what I had done and ask if there is anything more I can do; and I would call my sister's number and ask to talk with her husband.  But I will stay calm if I get to talk with him.  I would do nothing to trigger off his anger more.  I would listen calmly and let him know I am trying to understand whatever he is saying.

If you call and tell off your sister's husband you could make matters worse for her.  Stay calm and be wise.  If he is home he could be listening.  Never threaten the angry person.  Don't beg and don't insult.  Be empathic and keep them talking as you assure them you are listening.  Try to understand how he feels.  If he could defuse while talking with you your sister would be safer.

Suggest that he take a couple deep breaths.  That would let him know you care about how he feels.  Suggest he take a walk, anything to de-stress because the stress is not good for him nor for the relationship.

If he won't talk, and your sister can't talk, stay with the New Moncton, Brunswick police till they make an intervention.  And check back with the FBI to find out if they have done anything to help your sister.  Never mind their jurisdiction is within the USA, they know better than you what should be done.  And if you have to wring your hands while you wait, wring your hands on your knees.  Prayer changes things.

Dr. ES