Expert: Dana Q - 9/12/2008

Question
Hi,

I left a relationship two weeks ago with my husband I married eight months ago. I had some warning signs before marriage like the week after we were engaged he forgot my b day, I was helping him with money on a monthly basis and there was a few times he was demanding about it ("you promised it") when I tried to give him less and I also caught him a few times lying about where it went. Ok I know not SOME warning signs a LOT of warning signs....

The other times he was sweet and caring as long as I was giving praise, adoring, and supporting him financially and emotionally. He was not very good at giving support. I had two episodes of wanting to break it off before marriage (two weeks before and the day of) but he seemed to know what is was to get me back from the edge.

Marriage started out with him quitting his job to pursue a business that he never worked on. I made enough to support the family, paid off a 20K child support debt he had so he wouldn't go to jail, and pretty much allowed him to spend what he wanted as there was always an excuse why we were so far of budget. I worked and traveled a lot, so I was not as involved in money as I should have been. I was in counseling a week after the honeymoon and continued to today. She is an excellent counselor that was also my spouse's and his ex wife's counselor previously which meant she knew about him and his past. She helped me to set boundaries, respond in love, and make tough decisions (which I am still learning today). After a very rough start and a severe illness on my part, 6 months into marriage I rented a beach house in Mexico. It was a disaster. The first night I almost had a heart attack due to the medical issue and his insistence I walked 3 miles RT to eat with him, continued fights, severe blaming, and his avoidance of any emotional intimacy or intimacy attempt. He was constantly resting, pondering, and trying to figure out his life and not spending the time with me. I worked at an office everyday and was sick a lot (had internal bleeding that required a surgery after we returned)but was affectionate, and tried to work on the marriage and cried much of the month. When we got back I decided to leave him. I had surgery the next week, was inconsistently taken care of (as he didn't feel well headache/stomach ache) and left in a moving truck two and a half weeks later. The last month was hellish with him refusing to talk to me, feeling like I was selfish for leaving him, and his attempts to blame all issues on me and a lot of anger and resentment. I cried most of the time. The final scene was terrible with him threatening not to help him unless I paid him, him putting my car incorrectly on the trailer which sidelined me for 2 hours on the side of the interstate to wait for U Haul (the car was unstable and hadn't been strapped down.)and he and his 17 year old son kicking me out while I was sobbing. It was awful.

Well Monday he went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bi polar and started medicine. Could this have caused the extreme selfishness and guardedness and the inconsistency I experienced during marriage? I am wondering if I should make a plan for legal separation and a two year therapy plan. I think he may have other things besides Bi polar, as he seems to lack empathy (which may be part of it) but I am sure he told the Dr his perceptions of things which are greatly different that what usually really happened. I feel like now I am going nuts. I still love him, but do not want to be treated that way. Is this savable or should I just move on? He does not talk to me right now and is upset if I call him. He changed his profiles to "single" before I even moved out and then defended it was a "mistake". In his mind I was the "bad" person and he no longer wants to subject himself to my "abuse". To a person that had his debts paid with everything I had, woke up to love letters and back ribs and constant praise, I have no idea what he is talking about.  

Answer
Hi Kelly,

Thanks for writing to me.  Congratulations on making the decision to leave your husband.  I know it wasn't difficult, but you absolutely did the right thing.  Although the bipolar disorder definitely does affect how people function in relationships, your husband's extreme selfishness, cruelty, and inability to take responsibility for his actions suggests that he has greater problems than just the bipolar disorder.  

Although I am not a trained psychiatrist, I think he may very well have a personality disorder such as borderline or antisocial personality disorder.  You can read more about personality disorders and their symptoms at the following link:

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=8  

Unlike mental illnesses like bipolar and depression, personality disorders aren't necessarily treatable with medication, and frequently therapy is not very effective.  The reason for this is that this is not simply a matter of chemical imbalance in the person's brain, it is that their entire perception of the world is distorted.  People with personality disorders often blame everyone else for their own unhappiness, and they tend to believe that they are the only ones who are sane, intelligent, or right about the world.

The idea of you waiting around for two years to see if this situation will improve is problematic on several levels: 1) it will undermine your decision to leave him and he will therefore know that he can manipulate you for money and fun during that time, 2) you will be far more likely to go back to him and subject yourself to further abuse, because he can more easily convince you that he needs you to be with him in order to get better, and, most importantly, 3) it may not work, and you will have spent two years stuck in emotional limbo, unable to meet other people who may be better for you.

In a case like this, you have to trust your instincts.  There is something incredibly wrong with your husband. He did not become this way overnight; it has taken years for him to get this point.  It will no doubt take a lifetime for him to be able to change, if in fact he is even capable of change.  You have suffered enough in the time you have been married to him.  Please don't subject yourself to more abuse by waiting around for an outcome that may not be possible.

Good Luck,

Dana Q