Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/9/2008

Question
I left an emotionally/verbally/psychologically abusive marriage 5 years ago.  My exhusband and I have shared parenting which is very difficult due to his controlling nature.  My problem is that he has been abusing our oldest daughter.  He is doing the same exact things to her that I used to endure.  She has called me several times on her phone very upset and wanting to come home because he is so mean to her.  He hit her in the mouth about 5 times one day and then took her hand and squeezed it really hard to the point that she screamed.  He locks her out of the house if he's mad at her and he has thrown softballs at her very hard if he's angry.  My youngest daughter has confirmed this and told me that when he did these things she was crying and yelling at him to stop.  I know my oldest is afraid of going through the courts to be with me only.  She is afraid of him ignoring her, hurting her more, etc.  They have seen me continue to struggle with this man even 5 years after we have been separated/divorced.  I don't know what to do to help her.  I keep telling her she has a right to be happy, that she has an option to live with me, supporting her when she calls me crying, giving her ways of dealing with her dad, etc.  My attorney tells me that it would be my word against his and it's up to her to come forward.  I am just not sure she would be able to go through what I had to go through to leave him for my safety and well being.  I feel totally helpless and I know exactly what she is going through.  I don't want her to look back one day and ask herself, "why didn't my mom try to help me to get me out of that situation?"  Yet I don't know what else I can do.
Thank you.

Answer
Tricia,

So why are you not helping your children.  If that is the best your attorney can do, I wonder if he/she is being useful to you.

Nothing should prevent us from saving our children.  Where you reside, aren't there social workers? Get the government social services department involved.  Report and tell them you want your children away from their father.  They most likely will investigate.

As responsible parents we have to save our children from the other partner if that person is not well.  And from what you say about your ex-husband, he does not sound well to me.

Mother is supposed to be the protector, standing up, facing any danger, to save her child; not making sure she is safe, but leaving the child to suffer.  Wringing your hands is not helping your children.  Put your fear aside and deliver your children.

The person who intimidates and abuses is one who feels puny and weak, and would scare others off from hurting him by acting big and bad.  When such a one gets folks like you and me to cringe before them, they feel empowered with a false, empty sense of power.

Do what you have to do regardless of how you feel before this man.  If he is hurting your children, the police should be called in.  If you won't call them in, then perhaps the Social Services people would have them intervening on behalf of your children.

Blessings.

Dr. ES