Expert: Dana Q - 9/21/2008

Question
I'm having a rough time having spent the last two hours reading about abusive relationships. Mine has been lasting 3 years now and I am at my wits end. What he does to me is humiliate me in front of my friends, his mother, etc. He won't let me see my friends, one who is dying of brain cancer and the other one who suffers from anorexia. When I try to visit my family he says I'm making a bad decision. His mood swings are unbelievable. One moment he is fine, or cheerful, the next moment he's gone off the deep end of irrational thought. He thinks I'm cheating on him if I do anything out of the ordinary. Last month I went to the doctor because of suicidal feelings, and he didn't come with me nor did he ask me about it. I am seeing a psychiatrist now and he cares much more about a cavity in his mouth. This morning I was having an almost asthma attack and he didn't give a damn that I might have to go to the hospital. I am frustrated in that I can't talk to anyone (not even my classmates at my university), my friends who are dying, my mother, my sister because she sleeps around. He also got mad at me for encouraging him to drink sugary things because I know it hurts his tooth, and I told him I don't hold a gun to his head when he drinks it. He just shrugged it off and made me feel guilty. Despite all of this evidence, and the fact it's more than obvious what he's doing, I can't help but feel it is my fault. I need an opinion from an outsider, not just my psychiatrist, therapist, family or friends, people I either pay or love. And as stupid as this sounds, am I in an abusive relationship and what can I do? I'm so terrified of his reactions...

Answer
Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for writing to me.  Yes, you are absolutely in an abusive relationship.  His mood swings, the feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around him, not being allowed to see friends and family, and public humiliation are all classic examples of emotional and verbal abuse.  It is not uncommon to feel as though you are to blame for everything; however, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  This man is sick and so is this relationship.  There is nothing you can do to change him.  He will continually blame you for the problems in the relationship (like he blames you for his decision to eat sugary foods), because he cannot admit to himself that anything might be his fault.  You need to get out of this relationship immediately.  Please do not think that you can change him through your love or by being a "better" girlfriend; you have spent three years of your life in this relationship and nothing has changed, despite your best efforts.  It's time to get out of this relationship now before it destroys you emotionally.  

Good Luck,

Dana Q