Expert: Nafeesah - 9/16/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello, my name is Jacqui and I've been in a relationship for three years this January.  I am fully aware that my boyfriend is emotionally abusive, jealous and is self-absorbed.  I understand that it won't work out and that by staying with him I'm making it harder for myself.  I've written to the experts here several times and appreciate the advice and sympathy.  What I don't understand is that everyone is meant to be with someone else and everyone deserves something in life.  It's unrealistic to expect people to change but I don't understand how these abusive people can have a normal relationship.

ANSWER: That's the whole mystery of abusive people's mentalities they don't care about who they hurt and how they treat you or others. It's always about them and the hard thing is that the only way they'll get the message that people tire of their behavior is to leave them. Abusive people only exist when the person they're mistreating still stays with them, the way abusive people change their behavior if they choose to is to leave them and give them no explanation of why you're doing it. Sounds like your boyfriend does not need anyone in his life right now and needs to be single for a while. Abusive people need to be single because why should they be in relationships like you said how can they be in normal relationships. Abusive people are dysfunctional both mentally and emotionally and they need to get help. Some of them need treatment through counseling to understand their behavior and work on changing it. I was in an emotional abusive relationship for 5 years and when I left my boyfriend it took leaving him for him to snap back to reality since he can't have a normal relationship with someone without treating them like garbage. Every girl he's been with he's treated her bad and cheated on her this includes his wife who he cheated on with someone and then cheated on her with me(totally unaware of his marital status). It's a no win situation for some people, and leaving your boyfriend will actually make him realize his dysfunctional behavior. You can do better than this guy give your love to someone worth your time abusive people don't even deserve the best part of you for a normal anything.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm not a strong person, i don't know how i can function without him because
we've been together since the beginning of high school.  I feel tethered to him
and I'm actually scared to breakup during college.  I love him too much and i
know it would be better if we weren't together. I don't know how to find the
courage to leave him or to help him change.

Answer
This is what abuse will do to you long term it can make you dependent on that person and over time it only gets worse. You may love him, but you can't change him he has to do that on his own and maybe you leaving will give him the wake up call. You need to surround yourself with trusted family and friends for support and if you're sharing a place with this guy move out and maybe move in with a family member or friend as you gradually begin to make changes that makes your boyfriend aware that you are not taking his crap anymore. You can do better than this guy and you have a lot of history with him, but it's clear you can't stay with him anymore and the longer you stay the harder it gets for you to leave. You have to make a choice it's either stay and continue to be abused or leave and make a fresh start for yourself and work on buiding what your boyfriend tore down and took away. In time you'll heal from a lot of the damage done and begin to work on dating again. This guy doesnt deserve the best parts of you and he's lucky he had a great girl all these years. Give the best parts of you to someone who will treat you like you're his queen and not his dog. I made the decision to leave my boyfriend and life's been great ever since because you start to see things more clearly and your relationships with other people will improve as well. I promise you that you'll also begin to meet guys who are not going to treat you bad, but remember to recognize the signs of abuse and leave immediately don't stay and think you can change a guy because abusers don't change it only gets worse.