Expert: Dana Q - 9/1/2008

Question
Hi, I recently ended what I've realized was an emotionally abusive relationship.  Is it normal to feel extremely attached and connected to someone that abuses you?  I really felt like he was "the one" in the beginning (and still wonder if he is).  It is hard for me to imagine being that close to anyone else.  Is this a typical symptom of an unhealthy relationship?  I'm having a lot of trouble moving on from this.  Thanks.

Answer
Hi Alicia,

Thanks for writing to me.  Yes, it absolutely feels normal to feel attached to someone who has abused you.  Part of the nature of abuse is the kind of co-dependency it creates.  It is very hard to let go of someone who has brainwashed you into thinking that no one else could love you.  The emotional and psychological effects of domestic abuse can be long-lasting.  It is going to take time to re-build your confidence and self-esteem, as well as to begin to view the relationship for what it truly was.  Right now you are going through a very delicate part of the healing process.  It is critical that you stay strong and don't drift back to your abuser.  

You did a very difficult thing by ending your relationship, and it is something to be proud of.  It shows that you have a tremendous amount of inner strength, so at those times when you doubt whether you can make it on your own, rest assured that you can.  Give yourself time to heal, and don't worry right now about finding someone else to be close to.  That will come with time.  If you continue to have a difficult time getting past this after say, a few weeks or a month, you may want to consider temporarily seeing a professional counselor to help you work through it.  Seeing a counselor may also prove enlightening in that he/she could help you understand why you chose an abuser in the first place.  It is important that you understand why you stayed with someone who would abuse you, and it's very important that you learn to recognize the signs of a potential abuser so that you don't get involved again in another abusive relationship.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck,

Dana Q