Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/12/2008

Question
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years...the last year and
a half has been long distance.  We fight more and more all the time, but we
still haven't given up.  I am afraid to quit my job and move to be with him,
even though he has offered to support me while I look for a job, because I am
worried that he will never make a long term commitment to me or we will fail
in some other way.  I have student debt from grad school and I will not be
able to continue in my current career if I move.  Most likely I will have to
accept a lower paying job in something that does not satisfy me
professionally.  I don't want to break up, but  I can't take the distance any
longer.  I don't know what to do.  Do I sacrifice my career to be with him
when our recent fighting has caused us to doubt the future happiness of our
relationship?  Do I try to put up with the distance longer in hopes that our
fighting will subside and soon I will be confident that we will be ok?  Or do I
just acknowledge the fact that maybe we aren't meant to be?  I love him, but
we don't support each other and I hurt all the time.

Answer
Ann,

First, I apologize for taking so long to get back to you.  Earlier efforts to respond did not work out.

Ann, orchestrating your activities to allow you and your boyfriend time together will not make a difference.  My heart feels for you here in your youth, and in your need to feel wanted and valued by this man with whom you must have spent some pleasurable moments.

Look around, Ann.  See how many boyfriends and girlfriends are having a really smooth time.  Look around.  Many a young woman who should be enjoying a period of courtship, ends up looking like a harassed wife.

It might be too late to talk abstinence with you, but when a couple practices abstinence from sexual play and sexual intimacy, they could have more time to explore life together, get involved in other activities; develop their skills, broaden their interest, participate as part of groups in community or national service, and in the process really get to know, respect, and appreciate, each other.

When sex, balancing check books, and avoiding pregnancy, become the absorbing interests in a young unmarried couple's life, it is like the glow of youth is dragged off, leaving two disillusioned, angry youngsters, trying to play man and wife.  And if as a young person you just stumbled into intimacy, with no plan for a life together, then most likely, the dream life you envisioned for yourself, collapses in a heap of disillusionment, resentment, and blaming.

What should you do?  Be wary of a boyfriend, who having known you for three years, is unwilling to make a commitment.  He is not committed.  You are evidently not the best thing that has happened to him.  This is not a comment about your worth, but rather a statement about where he is.

No matter how you feel about a man, never be too eager to bend over backwards to facilitate his presence in the relationship.

Chances are, if you have to give up your dreams to get him committing to a relationship with you, he won't be particularly committed anyhow.  His attitude towards making a commitment is a reflection of how he feels about the relationship.

Both of you need to be honest to self.

Commitment says something about caring.  When two persons recognize in each other all they had been wanting in a spouse/partner, there is never any question about commitment; neither would wonder if he/she is cared for.

If with all your doubts, you settle for moving in with this man, don't expect his behavior to change out of gratitude.  Life does not work that way.

Your decision must show that you have a healthy level of respect for yourself, healthy enough to lead you to make a choice in your best interest.  If you go to him out of fear of losing him, you will be operating on the basis of fear, and fear of losing him could just be pointing you to the inevitable.

Whatever your decision, know that it would be better for you to weep now, because you find letting go painful rather than for you to weep later because you have put yourself in an awkward, sorry situation.

Take time to know why you feel the way you do; why you behave the way you do.  Look at how your past could be contributing to your feelings of inadequacy; and spend quality time reading and learning about self-appreciation and self-love.

Never expect another to love you more than you love yourself.

Blessings.

Dr. ES