Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/9/2008

Question
I have been reading many of the past questions people have posed to you.  I realize by observation that I am carrying my childhood baggage with me in my relationships.  My father was physically and emotionally abusive, and my mother used to make me do things to restore the peace such as apologizing to my dad after he beat me for something my sister did.

Now as an adult, I have gone through relationships where each of three different men were emotionally abusive.  Always telling me what to do, controlling my moves, my emotions.  Saying and doing hurtful things such as lying, cheating and emotionally abusing me especially if I spoke up for myself.

Whatever they did they felt they had the right to do anything and me just take it.  And for the most part, other than crying and telling them how they hurt me... I did.  And if by chance I did speak up, they would turn things around to where it would become about my bitching at them as opposed to what they did, and then it would wind up being me to apologize, or be fearful of them being mad at me.

This has gone on all my life.  Now I am in a similar relationship.  A man that does what he pleases, says what he wants.  Hurts me and my feelings by his words and actions and then when I say anything about it, he turns it on me.  I become the awful one for saying anything.  Making something out of nothing etc.   I have tried to leave this relationship several times, only to have him remorseful, saying all the right things and then I am sucked back into the relationship.

I see the pattern.  I know realize that I am repeating the same relationship I had with my father.  How do I make this end.  I now know what is going on in my heart and head, but am not sure how to change the dynamics.

Please offer some insight.

Thanks

Answer
Susan,

Ken Keyes (deceased), in his book, A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships, says, "As you become more aware of yourself you increasingly take responsibility for creating your moment to moment experience of life; you stop accusing others of doing it to you."

You learned a role in life, and you continue to live true to that role.  That is the large picture.  That is the pattern.

Now you must break down the pattern into moments.  Become aware of your self-talk; your emotional feelings that follow the self-talk; the inner disposition that are supported by your feelings; your body response supporting the inner posturing we call your inner disposition.

Do you feel tense playing the poor me one, victim role? What other physical cues alert you to the start of the drama?  Tightening of some specific muscles?  A choking feeling?  What?  Watch yourself go through an interaction leading up to the tables being turned on you, and observe your every response.  

What happens to your eyes?  In what direction do they turn?  Why?  What thoughts accompany their movements?  

Your shoulders?  Your chest?  What are the cues, the signals that alert you -- that tell you that you are in the process of enacting another re-enactment of the helpless, angry girl who has no right to her rights, because even when he is wrong, father is always right; and though she did nothing wrong, the director says the little girl must apologize to HIM.

Go back and own your feelings, remembering not to allow yourself to be overwhelmed with passions against someone who is NOT now exerting that power over the little girl.  The little girl is no longer little.  And no longer helpless.  As a matter of fact, no longer a girl.  So stop playing the game. Stop the game at the level of thought, at the level of self-talk, and see what happens.

Be the tiny bird on your shoulder diligently chronicling your every move.

Virginia Satir, in her little book, "Making Contact", says, "our communication reflects our method of maintaining survival".  She continues, "if you are alive now then the way you have been communicating has been working for you; the question is, at what cost, and could the cost (price) be lower?"

I pose that question to you--at what cost are you maintaining these relationships?  And could you maintain relationships at a lower cost?  

Your father -- is he around?  Even if he was dead, you keep him alive, you keep him present in your relationship game plan.

Examine the tiny component parts of the drama you had with your father.  Get your Mom into the picture.  Get your sister there also.  Everyone who was a member of that caste in your childhood, pull them out from those dark corners of your memory and put them in the places they occupied in real life back there.

In your mind, go through the motions, reminding yourself that you are no longer that child, weak and powerless.  Convince your mind of this.

Now watch how unconsciously you have been re-creating this drama with every man you meet.  

Keep an eye on yourself and watch your every move and every inner response, closely.  Let nothing slip by.  Wake up, and become aware.  When you do, half the battle would have been won.

Blessings.

Dr. ES