Expert: Nafeesah - 9/13/2008

Question
I AM A MOTHER OF 2 CHILDREN BOTH ARE 3 YEARS OLD AN 7 YEARS OLD.I WAS ENGAGED TO THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN LATER ON HE BROKE UP WITH ME....I STILL LIVE WITH HIM SINCE THE BROKE UP 2 YEARS AGO.I WANT TO LEAVE HIM SO BAD,BUT THE MORE HE ABUSE ME EMOTIONALY AN MENTALLY THE MORE I WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM,MORE AFRAID OF HIM..I AM SO AFRAID OF HIM,INTIMIDATE BY HIM.I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO AFRAID TO ANYONE BUT ONLY HIM..I AM IN MY OWN PRISON THAT CANT GOT OUT..I CAME FROM THE DIFFERENT COUNTRY IN PHILIPPINES,HE IS AN AMERICAN..I DONT AVE FAMILY NOT ANYONE BYY ME BESIDE MY 2 SMALL CHILDREN..3 YEARS AGO WHEN WE GOT BACK FROM THE BACK RELATIONSHIP I GIVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE,HE SAID HE WAS SORRY AN HE PROMISED THAT HE WILL CHANGED,LATER I WAS PREGNANT WITH OUR SECOND CHILD,THAT TIME HE WAS MAKING 30,000GRAND A YEAR,GOT A RAISED AN MAKING OVER 100,000A YEAR,HE GOES OUT A LOT AN LEFT ME WITH THE 2 KIDS TO TAKE CARE MYSELF,CLEANING THE ENTIRE HOUSE,COOKING,BATHED THE 2 KIDS,CUTTING GRASS,TRIM THE GRASS,DO LAUNDRY,FOLD LAUNDRY,TAKE TRASH OUT,TAKE CARE THE 2 KIDS ALL B MYSELF AN NOT MENTION I WORKED THIRD SHIFT,I DO SLEEP 2 TO 3 HOURS SOMETIMES NONE..HE DOESN'T HELP,NOT EVEN WHEN I ASKED HIM TO THE MORE I ASKED THE MORE THE ASK THE PROBLEM SEEM TO GET BIGGER.I KNOW HE CHEATED ON ME,THAT IS WHY HE BREAK UP.HE MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT HUMAN HE DOESNT CARE IF I DO HAVE SLEEP OR NOT.WHEN HIS AT HOME ON THE WEEKEND HE DOESN'T WATCH THE KID SO I CAN SLEEP,I AM NOW HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK,MORE AFRAID OF HIM,HE KEEP TELLING ME TO LEAVE IN HIS HOUSE,IN FRONT OF OUR 7 YEARS OLD,HIS THREATHING ME TO TAKE MY KIDS AWAY FROM ME,HE WANT ME TO LEAVE ALONE WITH OUT MY KIDS,SOMETIME HE CHANGED HIS MIND THAT IF I TAKE THE KIDS HE WANT ME TO REISE CLOSE TO HIM NOT MORE THAN 20 MINUTES DRIVE FROM HIM,SOO I WENT TO LOOK FOR A PLACE  WHICH IS 5 MINUTES DRIVE BUT ITS IN THE CITY HE IS NOT HAPPY AS WELL,AN HE DOESN'T WANT MEE TO LIVE THERE..HE KEEP SAYING THAT IF I DO TAKE HIM TO COURT AN THE COURT WOULD MAKE HIM PAY CHILD SUPPORT THAT HE PROMISED HE WILL TAKE ME MY KID AN FIGHT ME..I DONT HAVE MONEY,NO FAMILY,HE ABUSE ME EMOTIONALY AN MENTALY,AN HE TOLD ME '' YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IS COMING TO YOU''I AM SO AFRAID SOMEDAY HE WILL HURT ME OR HIRE SOMEONE..I AM AFRIAD OF HIM..HIS GOT MONEY,GOOD JOB,BEAUTIFUL HOME, AN HIS SORROUNDED WITH HIS FAMILY...MY 7 YEARS OLD ASK ME IF I EVER LIKED HIS FATHER,I TOLD HIM, I TOLD HIM YES I DO LIKE HIS FATHER,EVEN THOUGH THE THINGS HE DID..HE ASK ME WHY HIS FATHER DONT LIKE ME,WHY HIS FATHER HATE ME, I TOLD HIM I DONT KNOW..I WANT TO LEAVE HIM I AM SO AFRAID HE WILL TAKE MY KIDS AWAY FROM ME.I USED TO SO HAPPY, CONFIDENT WOMAN, NOW I AM NOT HAPPY MYSELF HE ALAWYS MAKE ME FEEL BAD MYSELF,CALLING ME THAT HE WAS SORRY THAT I AM A MOTHER OF HIS KIDS,I AM NO GOOD, NO USED,WHORE,AN HTAT HE WISH I WILL FIND A MAN WHO WILL TAKE ME.I AM NOT MAD THA WE BROKE I AM MAD AN SO MUSH HURT,WHY HE HURT ME LIKE HE DID AN WHAT I DID TO HIM THAT I DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE HE DID..PLEASE HELP!!

Answer
I can feel your situation and what is hard for women to understand is that abuse in any shape or form is wrong. Abusers use intimidation and manipulation to get you to comply or to keep you in place if you're planning to leave them. Your boyfriend can't make up crap saying that you're an unfit mother because you'll get him for child support.

He's legally responsible for the children so regardless of what he'll pull the court will make him pay child support. My friend's ex did this and had DCFS show up to her house and when they saw nothing that warranted the accusations and charges they immediately closed the case and made sure they never reopened a case with him anymore. It's all a game and if you're not working and depended on a man to take care of you this is why women need to have some kind of skill to support themselves.

If your 7 year old is seeing his father abuse you this is not good and you need to leave. When you have no family to rely on this gives abusive men the upper advantage because they can manipulate their family and friends to conspire against you which is the sad reality when you move away from your own family and friends. Seeing that you're not an American citizen this poses and even bigger problem because your children are legal citizens since their father is an American.

You can leave it's a matter of planning on how to leave. What kind of education do you have? If you have money saved up on your own begin to look for your own place and if you have a network of friends begin to reach out to them so they can help you and make sure they don't speak to your ex about anything pertaining to you.

If I knew what city you lived in I would have some information to give to you so you can begin to make plans to leave. Don't look for anyplace within a close distance of your boyfriend's house because he'll be constantly over there or driving by to see who comes to see you. If you can get a place near a friend's home he'll be less likely to try and stalk you. Because you're a Filipino citizen you can have the option of contacting the Filipino consulate for legal advice in terms of your children.

I would also start working on applying for citizenship without your boyfriend knowing. You're lucky he's not intimidated you with the idea of having you deported because if he did that you'll never see your kids and he could relocate and you'll never be able to find them. This is why it's important that you begin to get citizenship privately by going through the process so you can stay in the country.
Contact your local immigration office and find out what you need to get started since you've been here for some time to begin the process of applying for citizenship.

Do this on the down low and don't tell anyone that speaks to your boyfriend of your plans. Only tell someone you trust won't reveal your plans to your ex. I would call a social service agency and tell them your situation and that you need help they can expedite assistance right away. See if the things I suggested work for you, but whatever you do not move within close proximity to your kids' father giving that he's abusive this could have dire consequences.