Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/22/2008

Question
QUESTION: "Hi, I live in Canada and a few months ago started a long distance relationship with a woman from the UK.  We've both been married, I'm divorced as of 3 years, she's been seperated from her husband for almost 4 years and is in the process of finalizing her divorce.



When we first met it was fireworks, couldn't get enough of eachother and we could do no wrong.  Since then I've found that she has been more and more demanding of me, I feel like most things I do for her are never good enough.  From the things I say to the things I do.  



She was very jealous in the beginning when she went back home.  Always curious about me meeting women, even saying that I might meet someone else and break up with her.  She had me change my relationship status on facebook right away.  She told all her friends and family about me immediately.  I even went to Salsa lessons one night because I was curious and interested.  She first said that she was hoping that we could do that together, I said it was only the first lesson and there's no reason we couldn't in the future.  She said, no its too late I already know more than her and she wanted us to start off at the same level.  Then she asks who my dance partner was, I told her it was a group and they traded partners throughout the class. On the other hand, there have been two occassions where she let me know that she was being "hit-on" by guys at a party at someone else's flat.  And she also told me that last Weds when she went to one of her favourite local restaurants the waiter that works there and usually serves her always comes over and calls her beautiful in Italian, sometimes gives her a kiss on the neck and this time gave her his phone number with "pleae call me" written in Italian to her and she has it in her purse.  This was after we had another long talk about how I don't seem to be paying her enough attention and I appear insensitive.



Her father was horrible to her family, especially her mother, growing up.  To the point that he was living upstairs in the same house as his wife and children with his girlfriend.  Called his wife, her mum, tombstone teeth as a nickname. So I think this may be a big part of her insecurities.



During her ten year marriage, she and her husband stopped having sex after the first two years because she experienced pain.  They went to counselling for it over the next 8 years and she finally decided that they should seperate.  This devastated him and she felt horrible about it.  Last week while I was visiting her for the second time in England she found out that her ex-husband's girlfriend is now pregnant and he has been asking to finalize their divorce.  She confided in me that she thought of him as the love of her life, wasn't sure about her decision and still thinks they had the perfect relationship other than the sex. She told me that nobody knows her as well as he does.



Things that she picks up on and has told me about include, not greeting her friends in the proper English manner.  Not saying "Thank you" for every little thing (I'm not too concerned about that one, but the way she reacted before she told me about this if I didn't say it was a little severe, she got cold and wouldn't speak.  She seems to constantly misinterpret things I say and take offence by them.  She gets mad, pouts and I end up apologizing.



We went on a trip to Nice, I speak french well, her's is limited so I did most of the talking.  We picked a table for breakfast in the sun, ordered our meal but the waitress told me that the meals were too large to fit all at once on our table, we could move to a larger one in the shade or have the meal split.  I chose to stay, she asked me why I didn't include her in that decision.  Ok, I can handle that.  The next day when I asked her what time we should head to the airport for the flight home, she said, "I don't know, why don't you be a man and make a decision."??



We were going to visit Windsor Castle with some friends and then stay over at their place.  I put the bags in the car, she packed her things and I had packed mine.  I threw in my jacket as well, just in case it might rain.  We got to the castle, she opens the trunk, sees my jacket there and immediately asks why I had brought it and why I didn't get hers or ask her if she wanted hers brought...then she calls me selfish and gives me the silent treatment, tells me not to even touch her.  So I go get some tea, for both of us, she appears to calm down after I apologize, but it sets a bad tone for the rest of the day.



Last friday I had asked her to watch a movie with me over skype on the Sunday, we've done this before.  She gave me a non-commital answer, so Sunday comes around, I chat with her over MSN in the morning, tell her I'm going out to run my sunday errands.  I get back at around 3:30pm my time, 8:30 pm hers, she asks, "What about our movie?" I say I'm up for doing it, she says, "Well its kind of late to start now."  We debate back and forth, finally after another hour and a half she decides we can watch a movie.  This goes well, we laugh and joke with eachother over skype.  Its late where she is after the film, she gets ready for bed and I'm there to say good night to her over skype.  She tells me how late it is and that I was pretty selfish for not being home earlier to watch a movie with her and now she will be tired all week and its my fault?!

The next get together we are planning is me flying over for my birthday.  Originally I could only afford to take a couple of days off so it would just be for a weekend and a few days.  She suggested that maybe she should come to Canada since I've been the one doing the travelling to her the last two times, but at the same time she mentioned that she didn't have my time off left, wanted to save it for Christmas/New Years, and if she did come she would have to take unpaid leave.  I told her that it just makes more sense if I come over then since I have some time off I can afford to use.  She and her friends had discussed going on a spa weekend on the weekend following the one that I was coming up for.  I knew about this but hadn't heard anything since they had initially brought it up, this was 3 weeks ago.  Since then my boss said I could take a couple of extra days that week so I could actually stay for two weekends, the second weekend being the one that she and her friends had talked about going on a girls' spa weekend but nothing had been booked yet.  When I told her that I could come up for that second weekend she didn't mention the spa.  It wasn't until one of her friends reminded her about it days later that the issue was brought up, and even then it was her friend who asked me if I would mind if my gf went on the spa weekend and I could just come home earlier or hang out with the other guys who wouldn't be going.  I told her that it was up to my gf but I would prefer spending that weekend doing something with her.  The next day when I asked my gf what her plans were so I could arrange flights, she said that obviously if I were going to be there she wouldn't go on the spa weekend.  I said ok, and friends of ours were always talking about inviting us to Belgium which she seemed to be ok with....but apparently I didn't so her how much I appreciated her sacrifice of giving up a spa weekend to spend time with me so she got upset.  I told her that if she really wanted to go she could and I would just leave earlier than intended...and that's where it sits now.  I'm supposed to be booking flights right now but have big doubts about this, especially if she is actually going to choose a spa weekend over time with me when we get so little time together.

It's only been three months since we met but there is a long list of these types of incidents where she gets upset.  How do I get her to relax?  What is the best way of dealing with this type of situation?  I do want things to work.


ANSWER: John,

I pause, for several minutes, reflecting.  The thing unformed -- the sculptor's block of wood, or chunk of marble, the designer's fabric, the developer's stretch of forested land -- the thing unformed morphs into a new creation only after being subjected to the impact of so  many change agents.  The sledge hammer, the chisel, the scissors, needle, shuttle, pins, backhoes, tractors, cranes, power saws, paint, the brushes.

And so it is with Homo sapiens.  The developing child, the developing mind of the fetus continues morphing way beyond birth, throughout the growing years, impacted by every influence in the environment; impacted by thoughts generated within in response to communication without.  And so the personality is formed.

One personality we call John.  He was born there.  His environment affected him, impacted on him, in this way and that.  With resilience he survived.  Perhaps with some kinks here and there; a dent to his self confidence, a boost or maybe a punch, to his sense of personal competence; a smear across his sense of self-worth; a jackhammer of some basic right; a chiseling away at his sense of personal dignity.  

John has however survived.  But he is the product of a lot of working over.  No one seeing him now, the finished product, or the work in progress, could ever know from where he has come.  From the unformed zygote in his Mom's womb, to this man, this linguist, this once beloved husband, now boyfriend, he has come through lots of gruelling, lots of chiseling, lots of burnishing, lots of polishing.  He stands where he is, a creation of life; a work in progress under the direction of his mind.

And another personality we call John's girlfriend (gf).  She was born there.  Subjected to this and that.  But she has survived. The sledgehammer experiences might have been different to John's.  She got some powerful whacks against her self-confidence.  The tractors of humiliating experiences threatened to crush her trust in men and belief in her worth.  She has felt chiseled and jackhammer-ed, but she survived.  

The plastering, and paint designs; the contouring of personal behavior to fit into the mold of 'refined personality', worked.  She developed a winning persona that held her husband close to her for eight years without sexual intimacy.  She has attracted John, who from a vast geographical distance, remains faithful to her.  But the virus of self-disillusionment which pock-marked her self-confidence, catapulting her marriage, won't allow her to consistently extend the cordiality so necessary for a mutually satisfying relationship.  The virus of self-doubt, has been at work within her, weakening her ability to see and appreciate the best in John, preventing her from seeing John for who he is rather than seeing him as a poor substitute for her beloved first husband; or as a poor substitute for the ideal she holds in mind.  

This virus infected her in childhood in the disrespect showered on the family household by a self-hating, and apparently callous, father.  The effect of that tangle of influences you could never hope to understand.

We can't ever fully understand the other person's past.  We could however, fully accept them despite their past.  We accept them for who they are now.  But though you may accept your girlfriend for who she is now, your relationship is doomed if she does not accept herself; if she keeps reacting to you as though you are part of her past.

You and your girlfriend are two different products of your respective individual environments; products of your life circumstances; two creations representing many years of having been worked over in so many different ways; like so many different colors of Plasticine kneaded together through harsh experiences; kneaded into a unique shade of color, masking the identification of each original color.

A new creation, a unique personality.  This is your girlfriend.  

Many years of weaving and interweaving of thoughts and effects, behaviors struggling to accommodate the onslaught of reactive thoughts and crushed desires; that was the experience of your girlfriend. The way she learned to perceive reality and process information might not have been the healthiest; might not have been the most emotionally or mentally robust approach, but that was how she learned to survive.

Now that she is in a relationship with you, she has to learn to adjust.  Ploys that worked with her ex-husband might not work with you.  She does not have to try ploys.  She does not need the plastering and paints. She just needs to be herself.  But until she knows this, until she comes to accept herself as 'good enough', as 'worthwhile'. she would try what worked for her in the past, whether or not it increased her pain.

And about you, John?  Some could ask, what's wrong with you, do you like to be punished; why don't you see that pain is all you could hope for with a personality like your girlfriend's; why deny yourself the privilege of looking again till you find someone with whom you could enjoy a more mutually enhancing, emotionally healthy relationship.  

But only you know why you have chosen to drop your anchor in this harbor.  Life is like the massive ocean with myriad choices about where and with whom we will create experiences.  Deep within we know the quality of interactions we feel we deserve; though sometimes these are not what we truly desire.

You can have what you desire.  Just do some cognitive restructuring.  Ask yourself, for example, why you are going after a relationship that is so fraught with assurances of pain;  what in your past is magnetizing you to this?  Tell yourself you deserve, and are capable of having, a satisfying relationship.  Tell yourself you are capable of having in marriage someone who respects, honors, and cherishes you.  Tell yourself you do not have to sell yourself short.  Forgive yourself for whatever you think makes you deserving of having a scrappy relationship; forgive those in your past who smeared ugly colors over your once beautiful dreams.

This moment is all you have.  You do not have to sacrifice the present potential joy for anything, or for anyone.

It's all up to you, John.  It's all up to you.

Blessings.

ES

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First of all thank you for your response, it was one of the most interesting and poetic answers I've had to this question.  Although almost all of them are saying the same thing, "Why are you staying in this relationship?"

I think I know part of the reason why and it explains my past relationships as well.  When I was twelve years old my mother committed suicide.  This was after a number of years of her being in and out of psychiatric institutions.  She had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and my father just couldn't cope with the deepening of her illness.  At one point she kidnapped myself, my brother and sister, claiming that she thought my father was going to hurt us and her.  My father came from a dutch background and although we did receive the odd spanking when we miss behaved we were never beaten.  My father hit me once out of anger and cried afterward.  This was after he had married a second wife that was almost as mentally unstable as his first.

I'm seeing my own relationship patterns becoming similar to that of my father.  Finding women who are needy, that satisfies my own immediate needs but after a while the magic is gone and it turns out neither of us may be what the other believed.

I think part of the reason I stay in these relationships is residual guilt over my mother.  Thinking that if I jsut stuck by her, despite how disturbed she was becoming, then she wouldn't have taken her life.  Maybe even deep down, and I know this may be narcissistic, I think I could have helped her to become her old loving, affectionate and intelligent self.  But abandoning her means she's going to kill herself.  I know now that its not my choice, there is almost nothing in this world that can truly be controlled but people are spending more and more time trying to control things.  Even how somebody else sees themself.

In the end I know its my decision whether or not I stay in any relationship but I wouldn't feel good about leaving without doing my best to help the relationship work.  

And about my current girlfriend, I can see very clearly that she has poor self-esteem.  She has even explained to me that I am not reacting quickly enough to reassure her when she complains about her friends taking her for granted, or how hard she works even though she hates her current employer, or how worried she is about the current financial situation.

She also has a habit of making sure that I know that she is in the right.  I'm taking an Italian wine and food tasting course right now for fun.  According to her it's almost a waste of time because french wines are the best (she took a very intensive french wine tasting course) and the instructor will obviously be biased towards italian wines.  If we are cooking a new recipe together and I miss an instruction or ingredient, she doesn't laugh it off, she gives me a disapproving glance for making a mistake (I put all of the chopped parsely into a dish while it was cooking instead of saving half to spinkle on afterwards) which lead her to saying, "Am I going to have to double check everything you do? How do you expect me to trust you?"  I can't make mistakes around her or I will get a similar speech.

Now I'm to the point that instead of her comments affecting me I'm just clinically analyzing them to see why she would be saying it.  I realize that her reaction has very little to do with me and more with how she perceives and reacts to an event.

But it is fast approaching the point where I won't be putting up with this anymore.  I just can't help wondering if there is some way I can get her to see that she doesn't need to be so critical all the time.  Why can't she just relax and be happy instead of trying to boost herself up by either seeking praise from me or belittling me to either make me feel like I'm lucky to have her because I may only just be measuring up to her standards (that another thing, she has mentioned on a number of occasions that I'm in negative points and need to work my way back to positive...?) or she's trying to make me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone else anyway.

So is there anyway that I can fix this?

John

Answer
See if you find the answer you are looking for, here, John:

"I think part of the reason I stay in these relationships is residual guilt over my mother.  Thinking that if I just stuck by her, despite how disturbed she was becoming, then she wouldn't have taken her life.  Maybe even deep down, and I know this may be narcissistic, I think I could have helped her to become her old loving, affectionate and intelligent self.  But abandoning her means she's going to kill herself.  I know now that its not my choice, there is almost nothing in this world that can truly be controlled but people are spending more and more time trying to control things.  Even how somebody else sees themselves."

This woman is not your mother, John.  Your mother, in her right mind, would have wanted you to save yourself; to be emotionally healthy; to enjoy a healthy, vibrant relationship.

It is all up to you, John.  You either stay in these types of relationships, or you take a higher road.

Success, and blessings.

ES