Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/21/2008

Question
Hi...

I have been married for 15 years to an abusive man (verbal, mental, emotional & physical).  He is mostly verbally abusive, calling me names, belittling me, criticizing me, using foul language, yelling and screaming.  He also uses intimidation tactics, manipulation and sometimes physical force, like pushing, shoving, grabbing and throwing water in my face.

For years I tried to get him to go to counseling or read some of the self-help books that I was reading at the time.  I could start a library with all of the books I've purchased.  He would actually go to counseling on occasion, but only to stop not long after, reverting to his previous behavior.  I was always so disappointed.

Just when it seems like I think he may actually be changing, something happens to trigger his "old" behavior, and we're right back to square one.  I realize that he follows the typical cyclical pattern of abusers, but I suppose I do as well............always taking him back, thinking "this" is the time he will change.

This past Spring I told him I didn't know if I wanted this marriage anymore and pushed him away.  Of course he got all remorseful and did the usual, "I promise, I'll change" routine.  He really seemed like he was changing, so I took him back.  Within 5 weeks he was back to normal again.  Since then I have shut him out of my life.  I don't cook, clean, do laundry, or shopping for him.  He is on his own (we haven't lived together since June 2007, which is another long story).

I have been very strong this time.  I have not let him back into my life, except for where it concerns our 12 year old son.  As you could guess, he's started going to yet another counselor.  I have also spoken to the counselor and he agrees that we should not be together right now because my husband needs to change his behavior......he needs to earn his right to be in this relationship.  For the first time, I felt heard.....I felt validated......and most importantly, I didn't feel like I was the crazy one anymore.

The counselor has told me that my husband has strong characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder, but he won't diagnose him as such because it's just a label.  The counselor is Christian, which we are, and he believes that the psychology world is too quick to diagnose, just to get more insurance money.

Well, over the past week, my husband has actually been doing what I asked him to do, and that's to leave me alone.  He's not pressuring me either.  Yes, Mr. Nice Guy is back!  I hate it, because then I feel so guilty for pushing him away.  I again, don't know what to do.  What if he really changes this time?  What if I make a mistake by walking away?

My mind has been spinning for the last week.  In my heart, I don't love him anymore.  How could I?  He has destroyed me.......I don't know who I am anymore, he's taken that away from me.  I let him do it all those years.  But now I want to reclaim myself.

I've met another man who treats me so well, but I know that that's not right either.  I won't leave my husband for another man......if I chose to leave, it will be because I need to get out of this relationship.  I just want to be loved for who I am, not what my husband wants me to be.  What should I do?

Answer
First thing to do, Jen, is thank God for the strength you summoned to walk away from the abuse and take care of yourself.

Your husband has his history which would evoke feelings of compassion from anyone but you do not have to punish yourself because you have compassion on him.   Your child is involved in all this.  Your interaction with your husband is like the weaving of the fabric your son has come to know as his life.  Your child needs some good times.  If you get involved with another man now it would be like your son has lost two parents; the father who is evidently emotionally unstable; and then his mother -- to the love of another man.

Yes, regardless of what you think now, your son will wonder about your devotion to his welfare, your commitment to him.  As parents, sometimes we have to think of our children's welfare.  See him through adolescence.  Let him know you as a friend, a trust worthy friend before you subject him to a boyfriend; let him get a breath of fresh air now you have removed yourselves from the distressing environment that was home.  Don't expect him to turn against his father.  That is his father.  His identity is tied up with who he sees as his father and who he sees as his mother.  Don't encourage him to take sides; rather, insist that he respects his father.

And be careful lest you recreate another abusive relationship for yourself.  You are never ready for a new relationship till you have sorted out the prior relationship, and given yourself time to be alone, comfortably alone.

You understand clearly that you allowed the game to continue this long.  The guilt you feel is what we call false guilt.  Get rid of it.  Talk to yourself.  Imagine your best friend was in your place, and after all these years of hellish experiences she finally summons the courage to move on, and then her husband reverts to his habitual strategy-- he might really want to change; problem is he reverts to his old ways once he has her back in the relationship.  What would you tell her?

Well, this is what I would tell you -- be happy for him that he has changed; this means he would be much more comfortable with himself.  It does not mean that you are returning to him.  Change must not be a bargaining chip.  A person who habitually disrespects you in marriage does not suddenly become a self-respecting, honorable spouse because he plays that role to get you back.

And about wanting to be loved for who you are, you get that as you practice thinking well of yourself.  Examine closely your self talk about yourself.  Examine how you feel about your worth, your value, deep within.  I know from what you say that you have inner work to do.  Identify your negative core beliefs; change them; now start silently repeating your affirmations.  What is oft repeated in the mind eventually shows its effects in your outer experience.


Dr. ES