Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: Is my purse marital property? My husband has been locked up twice for 2nd degree assault against me! He goes through my purse when I turn my back. He follows me to the stores. He tells my boys he is not their father if they want something call their real dad. He tells me in front of others he can do better than me. and so on. he went into my work phone wrote down all the numbers and called all the men and asked them if they knew me and if they have slept with me! He shows up to my job asking people I work with if they know where I am, When I left, How long I have been gone and so on! I was told if I filed for divorce he will stalk me and if I start a new relationship with another man he will kill them! What do I do? Question is ( Is my purse marital property like the cop said?)

ANSWER: Julie,

Even in marriage we have boundaries, and partners in a marriage characterized by mutual respect, define those boundaries.  Evidently, however, your marriage is not characterized by respect.

I don't believe that we should consciously remain in a relationship to suffer torture and threats.

You have given your power to a very sick man, it seems.  He, apparently, is calling the tune.  Your boys are in danger of having their emotional development derailed.  Much more of an issue than the claim to your purse, is what are you going to do about providing a stable home for yourself and your sons.

You could report your husband to the Social Services people.  It could be that your husband is very sick.  If they determine this then they would, hopefully, do what needs to be done.

And if you feel that you, yourself are not well, be brave enough to go and ask for help. If you feel strong enough to manage, then it seems that you should take steps to have yourself and your sons in a safe place.  Your husband will seek to intimidate you until you demonstrate that you, and not he, are in charge of your life.

Blessings.

Dr. ES

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am doing everything in my power to rid this animal from our lives. In the mean time I had stood up to him and found myself sitting in jail for 2nd degree assault this time. For the same reason's, he was going through my purse. I have asked him what it is that makes him act this way and he say's he is afraid someone will sweep me off my feet! This guy is very sick. I ask him if I file for divorce will he just let it go smooth and he said No. He will not let me go without a fight! I will not have sex with him anymore and now he lays next to me and masturbates. I do not think mentally he is with the program and I am going through the process of seeking him help! Only for my benefit! Is this wrong of me?

Answer
Julie,

You are working with someone who is ill.  I do not know if there is anything you could do for your husband.  But you need to take care of yourself and your children.  A stalker is a controller, and a controller could become violent.

I suggest you go to the police without letting it be known that you are seeking help.  Also get on to a Social Worker.  Tell them, as you should also tell the police, that your life is in danger.   From what you say about this man, I believe your life could be in danger, so please, take care of yourself.

Blessings.

Dr. ES