Expert: Nafeesah - 9/6/2008

Question
Over the past year I dated a woman who I describe as 90% wonderful and 10% nasty.  She pursued me and jumped into the relationship 125%; so caring and sweet...and sexual.  I had my guard up due to her marital history and at times showed signs of emotional issues.  At one point she took a comment by me (she bought a bicycle to ride with me; I told her I needed to ride one day a week by myself for training) as "breaking up".  When I explained I wasn't, she went into a tirade that I didn't love her and I couldn't show my love, etc.  A month later she broke off the relationship because I fell asleep several nights in a row on her (I work long hours as a physician).  She had a couple of panic attacks and she startled very easy if I entered a room without warning (she would get angry).  When she got into her moods (several days of anger) she would have horrible nightmares.  The episodes became more frequent, always me not loving her.  Finally, I contacted one of her EX husband and he had the same experiences.  While on vacation with another couple, she developed one of these episodes and did not speak to me for two days outside the bedroom and inside the bedroom it was the same if we were home except that she made sure the door was closed and she kept her voice down.  The other couple never noticed anything amiss.  I told a friend the things she would say to me; "you'll always be alone; you will always be by yourself" the most frequent.  She immediately told me she was "emotionally abusive".  Her EX husband had told me she was in a very abusive relationship before he met her.  I noticed her relationship with her father was quite odd.  She told me, "we used to have a great relationship, but then things changed" and she didn't know why.  Her father seemed cold to her and was very uncomfortable around her.  She has a younger brother with mental health issues (schizophrenia, though I do not agree with the DX) and a sister with similar issues to my ex-girlfriend.  Her Ex husband made the association that she only did this to her significant other.  I spoke with a psychologist who strongly felt she was abused by her father.  Any help here?  She is a lovely person and feel horrible that she may continue this pattern when there may be some help out there.

Answer
Sounds to me like she's needy and when you combine emotional abuse that's a prescription for disaster. If she's had this problem with past boyfriends and even former husbands this is a sign she's been like this for a long time. I am sure her ex husband had left her for the same reasons you're dealing with right now. The words she told you are the same ones my own boyfriend said to me until I decided that it was time for him to go. You sound too much of a man to be tolerating this. Deal with someone who's security and mental issues are stable and not making her into someone who's borderline from being called a psycho. Usually an emotionally detached father or mother can cause children to be emotionally off because they feel as if the parent doesnt care about them. She has to want help and she has to want this on her own not for you or anyone else. Sounds to me like she's a narcissist which means the world starts and stops on her watch and she doesnt care about anyone else, but herself and it sounds like she's been this way most of her life. She may sound like a lovely person, but she's got some serious mental issues to deal with at this time. As a doctor you see enough patients that have potential and actual mental issues that are undiagnosed. This isnt a healthy relationship for you to be in because you have enough stress at work you don't need it in your personal life as well.