Expert: Nafeesah - 9/22/2008

Question
I've been dating this guy for a year and a half.  In the beginning, he fell hard
for me and told me after a few months that he thought in so many words that
I was "the one" for him.  I know he hadn't dated anyone long term for over 5
years or longer.  We broke up and started dating again earlier this year.  I got
fed up with his failure to act on some commitments he made.  He kept in
contact with me via text messages and then we started dating again 2 months
later.  The last 9 months since have been hell.  He will be really sweet, really
nice to me then we will have some argument and he will get
nasty/mean/irrational.  I usually have to grovel to get him to talk to me as he
will give me the silent treatment for days or a week...here's an example of
something that happened.  I don't know if this is normal to put up with or
not.  This weekend we went out and because he was broke, I paid for the
drinks out at the bar.  I told him I only had so much money as well till payday.  
At the end of the night he got pissed at me because I would not blow my
budget on him even though that is what he would do for me.  I told him we
have different views/ways of handling money.  He took that further an implied
that I was not grateful for all the money he has spent on me that he sacrificed
when he really shouldn't have been spending money.  I told him I don't have a
problem (and told him this same thing a year ago) to sit down and come up
with a budget we could both contribute to for going out.  At the end of the
night he had me in tears, and I felt like whatever I did won't be good enough
in his eyes.  In him mind I needed to spend as much as he had for it to be
good with him.  This is a common theme, whatever I do, it never seems to be
enough for him.  He often makes comments on what other girlfriends do for
their men based on people he works with/stuff they've supposedly told him.  I
know his father was an alcoholic, and he knows that has had an impact on
him.  I don't know if this stems from that or what.  Are there "lesser' forms of
emotional abuse?  How do you know if it's that or just part of any normal
relationship?  I find myself questioning what I do/what I think...I just don't
know anymore.  I love him but rationally I know this won't work...but having
hard time letting go because the feelings are still there.  When he's nice,
thinks are really great between us.    Most the time I feel isolated, that he is
pushing me away...  

Answer
Yeah this is emotional abuse because I had this same nonsense with an ex until he found himself groveling on the curb. You may love him,but you deserve better than this and if he's got a history of coming from a family with drug and alcohol problems that can make abuse even worse. When your boyfriend made the comment about how he shouldnt be spending money you wonder if what he said made sense, but it doesnt because that's just showing how selfish he is to blame you for not spending more on him than he did on you. Abusive relationships are hard to shed, but once you do life's a lot more clear to see and understand.