Expert: Dana Q - 9/4/2008

Question
My husband and i have been married for 17 years.  We have a 16 year old boy and a 7 year old girl.  My husband has a high school ed. and makes a modest income.  I am the bread winner... and pay for everything.  Over the years he's always had a sharp temper... but is was predominately aimed at me.  i didn't keep the house clean enough... whatever... he would put me down all the time.  Not supportive of me or my career.  Over the past few years I've become stronger and have taken less and less of his negative comments and have stood up to him.  It now appears that he's moved his anger onto our son.  He's very verbally abusive to him, and goes days without even talking with him.  Last weekend my son overheard us having a huge fight about him... I as always was sticking up for my son, and the dad was calling him a fuck up and a spoiled irresponsible kid.  Said he's given everything and doesn't deserve anything.  My son was deeply hurt.  I spent the next few days simply ignoring
my husband... if you don't talk, you can't fight.  It was our son's actual 16th birthday... the dad wanted to move on... said I should get over it... I said I couldn't as I couldn't believe the stuff he said about our son and he was destroying his self esteem.   he said, fine. and proceeded to NOT go to his 16th birthday party, hurting my son even deeper.  
I think I need to file for a divorce, but my fear is that he won't leave the house, or the kids will still have to be with him and he's just not good for them.
Do I try to attempt counseling again?  He's been diagnosed with depression and about 1.5 years go was put on 10 mg of Lexapro.... he's hit and miss about taking it.. hasn't gone back to the Dr. since the first time, and takes his pills 1 or 2 days a week is all.  He won't even go get them refilled... thinks that's my responsibility.  I think my relationship with my son is strong enough that I can get him back to a confident teen ager... but now I worry about my daughter and his effect on her.
He's pushed and intimidated my son, and I know that the son is deep down frightened of him, as I used to be and sometimes still am.
Is it worth saving?"

and was asked on 09/04/2008  

Answer
Hi Tami,

Thanks for writing to me.  You need to get out of this marriage, not only for yourself, but for your kids.  Your husband has already done significant emotional damage to your son, and your daughter is just getting to the age where she will begin to understand that something is desperately wrong with your family.  Your son is going to need professional counseling to deal with this abuse.  Since his father has betrayed his trust by abusing him, your son needs to know that you love him enough to remove him from this awful situation.  It is commendable that you have stood up to your husband from time to time, but that is just a temporary fix.  Defending your son every now and then in a argument is one thing; continuing to subject him and your daughter to your husband's ongoing abuse is quite another.  You are risking being perceived as weak and ineffectual in your son's eyes, and it is very possible that resentment will build in him unless you get yourself out of this situation.  Beyond that, your husband's abuse will no doubt affect how your kids view love and relationships in general.  Consider this: children learn how to function in relationships by watching their parents interact.  Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it's OK to let her boyfriend or husband verbally abuse her and (potentially) her kids?  This is not a normal or acceptable marriage, and you don't want her to perceive it as such.  

Your husband has done a substantial amount of damage to you and your kids, but it's not irreparable.  What you need to accept, however, is that he isn't going to change.  You have been with him for seventeen years and nothing hs caused him to change - not you standing up to him, not counseling, not antidepressants.  He isn't going to change because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.  That's why he's making you pick up the antidepressants and only takes them sporadically - he doesn't really feel he needs them, and he's only taking them to humor you.  There is nothing you can do to save or change a person who doesn't believe there's anything wrong or unhealthy about his life.  You are not responsible for his happiness, nor are you obligated to save him from himself.  You are obligated, however, to protect your kids from abuse, and you are responsible for your own happiness.  To continue in this marriage would defeat both purposes.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck,

Dana Q