Expert: Nafeesah - 9/4/2008

Question
A man at work put up my privacy fence.  I paid him.  He took 2 months to do it, leading me on and pursuing me.  He then ignored me when I showed interest.  When I would put distance between us he would again pursue me.  We are coworkers.  He initially stated he is "trailer trash" he had an alcoholic father and was raised on welfare.  He is 43, lives with his mother and stepfather, cannot manage money buys expensive toys, large screen TV's, Tivo, rims for his car etc. Owes the IRS does not pay bills or rent.  He never called or asked me out.   He let me know he expected me to call him.  I didn't.  He stated "people wait for me to call them, but they should call me."  He is a coworker, twice on his break he came to where I was working and stated "I had nothing to do so I thought I would walk around."  He invited me to move seats  in shift change and I sat next to him, the next day he sat with a chair between us.  He invited me to car pool, I declined.  This is after his games.  I fixed him dinner once when he was working on my fence late.  He showed me old ID's of himself and talked about his ex girlfriend constantly, he told me several lies which made no sense at all.  I am attractive, take care of myself, own my own home and have 2 vehicles paid for.  We make the same money I budget mine carefully.  I knew he was using me for an ego boost, and at first I thought he had low self esteem so I did boost his ego.  He is not very attractive, overweight buit I initially thought he had a nice personality.  I'm not judgemental, I did flirt back.  He then became very demeaning, I am 7 years older, he commented negatively on that, he moved a chair down after I sat nex
t him, he said I was more spiritual then he was and that all spiritual people are crazy.  I had remarked once about a song about an Iraqui vet that came home with no arms and legs and could not talk.  He would nod, morse code "kill me".  I told him I quit listening to the song, because it was a true story of this vet.  He then proceeded to tell him his ex girlfriend's husband was a vet and committed suicide by rolling his wheel chair into the swimming pool and drowning.

He lived with this girl and supposedly this vet for 5 years, but never paid rent...allegedly.  They all moved and seperated after the house foreclosed..the story about a husband that committed suicide came in play right after I told him about this song.  He always talks about this ex and shows 20 yr old ID cards to me, of when he was younger.  He never comp[limented me, and when others would in his presence, and 1 coworkler remarked "doesn't she have beautiful eyes" he does not respond.  He does not reciprocate but wants his ego boosted constantly.  I stopped.  He then became nasty, in a covert way.  He let me know when I hired an electrician he could have fixed it, and he is rewiring a trailer in another town...allegedly...but made it clear he would not do it for me...he claims to have no money but goes to the movies and goes out to dinner himself, talking about wearing a jacket in August to the theater to sneak in snacks.  I distanced myself politely, stating I need my space, I have a medical problem now that I had to take time off work for, treatment on my leg.  When I try to distance myself, he offers me a cup of tea, I decline then he states I'm lazy, my 80 year old mother mows the lawn does everything etc.  This is a week after he told me he does all the yard work.  He invited me to car pool, telling me he was going to buy a trailer and move to the city where we work (we live 40 miles away for me, 55 for him)  3 weeks later he tells me he is going to buy a house locally, after he stated he is bankrupt, owes the IRS and has no money...he said I am going to tighten my belt then proceeds to tell me about the latest toy he bought...I hired someone to do my yard, I never expected him to mow it nor did I ask.  His behavior is bizzare, and strange.  I invited him to play pool with some coworkers 1 time.  Basically, I didn't want to, but caved under pressure from coworkers because I did not want it to seem I was being hateful and rejecting.  He ignored me the whole evening.  Obvious and deliberate, then when we ar
e alone at work he attempts to turn on the charm again.  "I was going to say hello and talk to you..."  He makes statements how he does not like GI's, my father is retired military.  He helped me pick up my bbq grill from my parents when he was working on my fence,and stated how they have a nice home and his parents live in a trailer not paid for.  He does small things and then states how he did it for me, then turns around and with holds help I never asked for, and lets me know he could have helped me but won't.  I have kept my distance from him.  I am not interested, yes I am rejecting him, not due to his background or that I'm a snob but due to his games and pushing me away when I did reciprocate.  He never called me, never asked for a date but

wants me to boost his ego at work...when people are around he ignores me then when we are alone trys to again put it on a personal level...I have the feeling he blames me for trying to put distance there, but he is the one who pushed me away...I'm not a snob, but this merry go round of games is not for me.  I don't want to confront him because we are coworkers, he knows this.  I initialy felt sorry for him and thought he had low esteem and a fear of rejection, now I believe he is a self centered person not as nice as he attempts to project himself as.  He has money for toys, for himself, goes out with a male friend coworker to the movies and dinner and announced he goes to his ex giorlfriends once a week for dinner.  I tried being nice, supportive, baked him cookies once when he was working on my fence and in return his behavior worsened.  I made it clear this past week, I'm not interested.  I told him I don't want to piss in my back yard.  His response, "It's the best place to piss if you turn off the light and have a privacy fence."  After his negative  remarks and statement people should call him I told him I need my space. I had given him a thank yard, after he finished my fence.  It said basically thank you, I appreciate your help, I have found you to be an honest and nice person, if there is anything I can ever do for you in return call me. Thank You  Can you tell me what the game is...I lost any smidgen of interest long ago...I do not want to be his at work ego boost.  I do not want to be nasty or ruthless and lower myself to his level to make cutting remarks.  1 minute nice "I'm doing this for you, then the next day nasty again.  I moved to another chair in shift change across the room, and have been polite and professional.  I am attractive, have my own home, my car and truck are paid for, I have a tight budget but manage.  What kind of man acts like this, never called me or asked me out but acts like he wants too...then pushes me away when I did reciprocate...then states spiritual people are crazy...by
spioritual, I mean I try to treat others with mutual respect, I try to be nice to everyone, I believe in Karma and no I'm not perfect but I believe a lot of a person's character is how they treat others, honesty and integrity.  I am also a very happy person.  I feel like he is trying to make me mad and miserable.  I went from thinking low self esteem fear of rejection to self centered ego centric narccistic  jerk.  Why does he even come around me just to play games then reject me later?  If he is interested he would have called or asked me out...a strange relationship with his ex too, her is now living with his parents.  He didn't even have a bed, I gave him my bed room set from my spare bed room.  What should I do now, some days I feel like confronting him.  When I did 1 time he acted like I was crazy and he didn't know what I was talking about.  I currently am keeping my distance and being polite and professional.  I would have thought he would be happy, he wanted space and distance so I gave him all he required.  I want him only as a coworker with no drama or retaliation at work.  Help please as the more I try to be polite and indifferent the more nasty he seems to react.  I knew better then to even give this guy a chance, I thought he was charming and so nice at first.  Now I want to just avoid him.  I deserve better treatment.

Answer
He sounds like he's not stable mentally if he's acting really weird around you. I would avoid him because he could be doing stuff like telling people things about you that's not true. He maybe angry that you won't consider something further with him. I dealt with the same thing and it's hard because they make things difficult for you. If he's acting unstable I would watch him and maintain professional behavior. I had to deal with a guy who was like this and that's after I recognized he was mentally unstable and wasnt someone who took no very well. I would be careful of this guy because you don't want him doing something that's dangerous to you.