Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/23/2008

Question
I live together with my boyfriend for one year. He was seperated from exwife, now going to file divorce. Has 2 teenage kids (boys 15, 11) living with bio-mom in another city. I met them first last year, very close to his seperation, and the kids thought mistakenly that I was the  reason he seperated. He convinced them (or it seems) that the marriage with their mom has been a dead one for five years. We gets kids visit weekends.

He is a good man, very caring. Cares for, and misses his kids. He used to talk with me about them and tell his worries for them etc earlier. But since recently he does not talk much about them. When I asked, he said that "PERHAPS my reaction to news (abt kids) is not as before now. Before I was happy to hear it, but these days reaction is not encouraging or it seemed I did not care for the news anymore or appreciate him telling it, MAY BE that is why he does not talk much about them." You see, it was not definite answer, but a supposition. :) From my part, I do not feel I have any different attitude now from before.

Somehow this tension is becoming too much to handle. When my husband is alone with me for two weeks he is fine. Then when kids visit, we always have conflicts or pressure although sometimes we manage to just spend time doing 'family things' and not fight (me and him), but it takes lot of effort.
I am not happy with the situation of how he is handlign his kids. And he is not happy about how we are behaving (all of us) together.


NOW TO THE CLIMAX OF THIS THING: we had the custody visit from kids last weekend. As usual husband and i were both tense. THis was first visit after the terrible summer holiday, and we agreed we do our best. However, the kids were fine, but we two felt lot of pressure and we moved on the verge of conflict througout the day. And then at night, when kids went to bed, we still had to clean up kitchen. I put some pot on the kitchen table loudly, and my husband came and said 'if you don't like it don't do it' and put another pot down loudly and aggressively. Then I asked what he meant. He said he is sick of what is happening when his kids are here, and I said why don't we do something better, and this way we got little by little very angry. Then we had a bad quarrel and he said nothing he does is not good so I can leave. I said he is not doing somethings like we agreed and just forgetting all good things we have when the first problem comes. Somehow I wanted to get some air and when I tried to open the door to go out, he pulled me back roughly and said 'you WILL NOT go out without getting a jacket'. He was very rough and we pushed and pulled. and somehow we shouted at each other-. I went to balcony, and then he pulle me in and threw me across the living room. I was very angry and said and a normal man, you should not force a woman, I need toget out. He said he will not let me get out. And I went outside, then first he slammed the door and locked me out. Then I hit the door and said you can't do it. Then he opend door and said 'don't break my door and hit my things.' I said do you care more for the door and how can he do that. Somehow then he slapped me in the face very hard so that I almost fainted. I cannot believe that he will slap me, that he is the type of man who hits women and forces them.
I still have black marks on my arms from how he had treated me and pushed three days ago. I cannot come to grips with it.
After being hit, I was so sad and so angry, I did not know what to do. I ran on street like a mad woman in midnight, but I came back after 10 minutes and thought why should I suffer, then I moved around doing the final things before bed, he said not to move around so much, it disturbs him...!! After hitting me, he did not even feel any regret or resentment. I wonder if he has a history of hitting women.
THen he followed me to the room , and locked the door behind him, and I was scared I said, I wanted air, he said no air. Then I ran out of room and went to bath room. He followed and locked the door and said 'listen to what he says, otherwise this is over.' I was scared, I said we go to living room to talk, not in this small locked room. He said no. I said I cannot talk I want air. Then he said ok you go this is over. Then I went to street again.
When I came back he was at computer and ignored me. I said we must talk, and he said he does not want to talk now, because I did not want to listen before. Somehow we argued over it, I mostly cry because I am so sad by being hit.
IT IS TERRIBLE TO BE HIT BY THE MAN YOU LOVE.

Then he brushed teeth and went to sleep on the sofa. When i asked why do you sleep here, he said 'i cannot sleep in same room with someone who does not talk with me.'
IMAGINE THAT..!! i did not say anything. i think it was ridiculous, then HOW DO I SLEEP OR STAND IN SAME ROOM WITH SOMEONE WHO HIT ME....!!!!!!

He never showed any resentment or regret or apology. I thoughts this is unbelievable.


I NEVER THOUGHT I WILL LIVE WITH A MAN WHO HITS ME, BUT NOW I AM HELPLESS AND HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS SITUATION. somehow I am still holding on because I think we can have peace and that we love each other. He is upset about it (now after three days he shows it.)
I don't know how to handle this...!!!!
If it happens again, I will leave him and I told it to him.
BUT NOW I AM MORE INTERESTED IN SOLVING THIS THING: BECAUSE I THINK I AM NOT A BAD PERSON; AND HE IS ALSO NOT BAD. Somehow these situations have made animals out of us. What should I do?????

He has said often in our PREVIOUS heavy arguements, things like: that I can leave, or he will let me be free, or that is the door if you don't like it. Last week was the first time he was physically violent, and said 'get out of his house.' he pays for the rent and has full financial responsibility, as a house wife I am helpless. Is he emotionally blackmailing me and putting his strength in front of my face??? #And this time, he put his physical strength to me to push me and hit me.

Now he is away on business trip, and he said that he feels very sad and want to do something about how to make it better. I am also very sad. I cannot make myself accept the fact that I was hit by this man who is supposed to love me. He still says he loves me, and he also says that he does not know what to do. I want to help him, and I want to help myself. WHAT DO I DO??? He sound genuinely sorry about the situation, but still he did not say he is sorry about hitting me. THIS IS A BIG THING FOR ME: I have promised myself before in my life that I will not accept abuse in relationships. But I want to save this, and make things better. Please help!!!!
I thought he will protect me, but now he has hit me and I think that is mean.
Now he says that he has no bad things for me, that he wants the best for me. But there is BIG conflict inside me, if he wants the best, how can he NOT see my situation, and how much I am under pressure from him and his children. And if he really cares, how can he hit and push me until my skin becomes blue?
I NEED HELP AND ADVICE DESPERATELY PLEASE...!!!


Answer
Donna,

From a distance it might be easy to say, how could you stay with a man who because he felt distressed over your apparent rejection of his children, would intimidate, disrespect, manhandle, and slap you?  I could ask, "Do you really think it won't happen again?"  I could ask, "Why do you believe you are so helpless  that you feel you have no choice but to take his disrespect?"

But some women go through such abrasive interactions and in the end make a success of their relationship.

I don't think anything would change, however, if you do nothing.  The family is in distress.  The problem with the children is just a symptom.  They also must be terribly distressed.  They have already lost a father, as it were.  Your presence with their father could make them feel hopeless about their parents ever getting back together again.  That could be plenty distress.

Let him agree to go to counseling with you.  This way he would have to confront what he did, and what is really at the root of his anger.  You would have to confront what you did, and get in touch with what is responsible for you being in such a dependent relationship.  

And both of you could learn more mutually respectful, satisfying ways to defuse tense feelings; more healthy ways to resolve your differences, and cool yourself if you ever feel anger mounting..

Dr. ES