Expert: Nafeesah - 10/7/2008

Question
QUESTION: my daughter is telling me to mind my own business, I can't, I was in an abusive relationship with her father.  I swore this would never happen to her the day she was born. She called me the first time, he was drinking and got physical with her.  He pushed her down to the ground in front of their children.  I went off on him, he was back in two days, she says "he is going to quit drinking mom you see everything will be better.  Not a month later he's back to drinking which turns into an argument he then throws a chair at her, and smashes up her phone and punched a hole in the wall.  He was away this time for 4 and 1/2 days.  Well last night he was here.  stayed all night.  (both times he has packed all his belongings) Well, I want to rid her of him, I don't want my grandson to be without his father of course but I know from experience that this kind of behavior does not just go away.  It will get easier for him, he might strike her next or worse.  I want to make a police report, restraining order the whole nine yards but she says if I butt my nose into where it doesn't belong, that I will only be hurting the relationship that her and I have.  She is smart, she goes to college, she in a emergency tech at our local hospital too.  He admits to here that he doesn't like her going to school he accuses her of seeing someone else, and so forth.  My daughter is trying so hard to make good money she is doing this for her family, he has a great job as well
Mind you I live with them both, but both times I was out for the night.  I watch my grandchildren, while they both work.  She works 4 12 hour shifts 7 to 7.  and he works 9 hours or so as well.  So I am here more so then they are.  I see it affecting my grand babies.  They throw fits, they are mean to my animals, they have killed a few. They are only 3 and 2 this is unreal can you help.

ANSWER: You can let your daughter know that if she doesnt get herself together in terms of this relationship you can and you will file a court order to take custody of your grandchildren. If they've killed animals this is serious this means they've witnessed their mother being abused and by her saying that things will get better she's making excuses for this punk. Does she even realize the number of women who are killed everyday by a partner or spouse in a domestic violence situation that's one every 15 seconds so every 15 seconds you were online looking up someone to ask about this problem another woman has been murdered by a partner or spouse due to a domestic violence situation.

If this guy is holding her down from trying to better herself for the family it's not going to get any better. How many bruises and broken bones will it take for your daughter to look at how serious domestic violence is. If you have to take your grandchildren away from her because she's provided an unsafe home for them then you got to do what you got to do as their grandmother and the stable one in the home. If your daughter's an EMT in an emergency room how many domestic violence victims come through the door each day that's enough to wake someone up. I am sure she's had to assist in doing rape kits on abuse victims and treating women who were beaten by a boyfriend or husband.

I would call the local courthouse and ask about how you can file for custody of your grandchildren until your daughter gets her life straightened out and do this to provide a stable home for these kids since they're likely going to have to undergo therapy to deal with a lot of anger and aggression issues if they're resorting to harming other people and animals. This is not a safe home and the longer they witness this this could turn them into abusers or ones who take abuse. This is the time to jump into action and to do something before something gets way out of hand to where you can't do anything about it. Here's some information about where to begin exploring options as to how to deal with your problem:

www.NCADV.org(national coalition against domestic violence)

www.NDVH.org(national domestic violence hotline)


These two sites can direct you to the right resources as to how you can deal with being a witness to a domestic violence situation where children are involved. You should be able to find out what you can do as the children's legal grandmother and how you can begin to make a life for them where they're not seeing any of this stuff going on. I hope this helps you to give your grandchildren a life that is safe and in a home where they're loved and not seeing someone getting beaten.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Her and I live together, and taking the children from her is out of the question, other than this PROBLEM we have  she really is a good mother.   Yes you were right about the people she sees in the ER  she has told me some stories.

Answer
I needed some time to think about your follow up and the best way to go about this is to do what is best for the kids. It sounds like your daughter is fighting an ongoing battle for her life and to hold on to what she feels is a good relationship when in fact it's not.

It's hard for women to be real with themselves when it comes to the level of being abused. She sees so many abuse victims in the ER as an EMT that it should be a wake up call in her own life that things need to change. If this doesnt wake her up maybe the moment she lands in the ER herself getting treated for battering related injuries will snap her back to reality.

It takes a life threatning injury or situation for some women to wake up and get their life program together and do what they need to do for themselves and their children. Children are so vulnerable at a young age and if they see abuse then they grow up thinking this is acceptable treatment towards others which isnt the case.

You don't want them to grow up taking or imposing abuse on or from others. Nip things in the bud right now while the window of opportunity to repair the damage is there.