Expert: Nafeesah - 9/15/2008

Question
I have read numerous letters regarding physical abuse. I am currently continuing my education to pursue a career in counseling. Ironically, I am in an abusive relationship, the second one in the seven years I have been divorced. My ex-husband wasn't abusive, and I am an intelligent person for the most part. however, I find myself stuck in this relationship. The first abusive relationship, I pressed charges, only to drop, due to the difficulty of the legal process. For one, there are steps to getting legal safety, which takes several reports to authorities. This involves court hearings, filing reports, lawyer fees, or fighting with a court appointed lawyer, against a high paid lawyer. As in my first relationship with an abusive man, I was up against his lawyer, who was going to bring up our sexual relationship, which involved kinky sex. This was an embarrassment to be brought up in court in front of people of my home town, and the issue of standing up for the difference of "rough sex" and violent rage was difficult.Secondly, once a report has been filed, the police do not go arrest the offender right away. There is a time lapse, which allows the abuser to prepare, escalates his anger, and this lapse provides the abuser to retaliate. As my abusive man relied, "Even if they lock me up, 3 months, 6 months or a year, this gives me that long to sit in jail and think of ways to make you pay." And then the possibility of fighting back: if I were to attempt to protect myself and actually hurt him, could I live with that, or if I don't enable him, will it piss him off more and he will hurt me worse. I tried using pepper spray, but that can so easily be reversed and used against me. I don't want to go public with this abuse. I am frightened of the impact this will have on my career, and the insult on my character. Yet, with this second abuser, my life has been threatened, and of course, his threats of damaging my reputation are thrown up. I know in my mind, that this is a sickness on both parts. I am often noted as one of the strongest women people know. Numerous people come to me for support and my advise with their problems, and this confuses me more. For me to be so strong, and looked up to for advise and support, WHY am I finding it so hard to run. I don't want to die, or face the point of having to protect myself to the point of possibly having to truly hurt him, or even worse. I want him to just disappear, but don't know how, in a honorable way. My heart hurts immensely, by mind swims in a pool of confusion, hurt, anger, and embarrassment. I have been in this relationship 3 years. He has good qualities, and he has been through alot throughout his life. I know this doesn't justify such behavior, but I almost feel I would be turning my back on him, because he needs help.I come from a family who leaves all their problems behind closed doors. The guilt my family would put on me is as unbearable as the pain of his abuse.I have had guns in my face, made to lie on edge of bed and not make sound or have my teeth bashed in with metal rod, knifes threatened to be thrown, lied under a bush for hours waiting for him to leave, been choked, beat with the buckle end of belt, slapped in head, ear drum ruptured, etc. I know I need help. I can't afford to just leave, I can't afford to stay. I don't know what to do. He changes like Jekyll and Hyde. His rage comes from no where, then his child like cries of help haunts me. My heart aches for people who need help, and I know my calling has been to help others. Is it my destiny to die trying to help another? I know that not to be true, but my state of confusion, passion and fear is tearing me apart. I have a hard time turning my back, because I know how it feels to have no one to turn to for support. I am on a spiral, but don't know which way. The answers are obvious, but very difficult when you are the one asking the questions. I know that, if I make it through this, I will be able to help others. But I also fear that my inner strength may not be strong enough to lead me out of this safely. How can I be safe, and do what I can to help him. sending him to jail would not be the solution to either of our problems. Fearing the day he is released and seeks revenge would haunt me daily, and knowing their is no reform in prison would leave me questioning that choice. A I truly this messed up in the head to try and take the responsibility of seeking a healthy way for both of us?

Answer
I would really look at the field you're going into because if you're going to be counseling people on their issues you have to have your own issues in order before you can speak to others about theirs.You can leave and if you are not living with this person begin to relocate and even considering changing your home and cell numbers and make sure they're unpublished, use a PO box to get your mail so that you don't have your boyfriend showing up at your house. You have to take responsibility for your part of the relationship because the person who's being abused has a decision to make and this makes or breaks the relationship. It's either make the sacrifice to leave and go through the struggle to rebuild your life or stay and continue taking the abuse and wishing for better days. If you've been beaten to the point of broken bones, being choked into unconsciousness and even having a gun put to your head while a man raped you it's time to leave ASAP because the next time he could end up killing you and then you won't have a chance to leave. I would strongly suggest getting certified as a counselor to deal with victims of domestic violence and abuse. You're needing to seek out support for someone who's been in a domestic violence situation. I took a step on faith when my boyfriend was abusing me on a regular basis and when I left he was dumbfounded because he didnt think I was serious when I left him and he told me I was nothing without him and that's because he no longer had control over me. You have to decide when to draw the line and it took you having to look down the buisness end of a gun for you to snap back to reality and realize he could have taken your life the moment that gun was put to your head. I wish I could have more conversations with women like you across the world to realize how many women are being killed by abusive partners and spouses and every 15 seconds a woman is being brutally assaulted or killed by her abusive partner or spouse. Please listen to me when I say this is not worth rationalizing or analyzing it's either you leave or stay, but the choice could impact your life as well as the lives of those around you. If you choose to stay your friends will slowly dwindle away and you'll have nobody and that's what an abuser wants is to isolate you from the people who love you. If you leave the abuse will stop and you can move on with your life.  What you want to focus on is getting through this experience so you can later help others who are facing the same situation. There needs to be more people like you who have been there to help someone know that you have a chance for a life if you don't take the chance you'll never get another one and that's directed at the thousands of women who are killed each year by an abusive partner or spouse. Don't set yourself up to become a statistic be about standing up for your right as a woman not to live with abuse and don't let it consume the best parts of you. There is good man waiting for you out there who will love and respect you and not abuse and mistreat you. You're worth a good partner in life who is going to be good to you.