Expert: Nafeesah - 9/12/2008

Question
I have recently ended an emotionally abusive relationship.  I say recently, but it was over three months ago that I walked out with our three year old daughter.  It had reached a point where he felt free to say the cruelest, most vulgar things to me.  He insulted my family, my values, my career, my parenting, my clothing, my character and often in front of our daughter.  He called me names and insisted that I was a narcissist, when I asked him to be home and spend time with his family.  Anything I asked or said was turned around on me somehow.  My purse was gone through, my phone was checked on a regular basis, I was accused of cheating, flirting, having secret contact with men, although it was completely false.  I was told that I wasn't loving enough, didn't give him enough attention and affection.  The only thing I asked of him was to pay the bills, since I was taking care of our daughter full-time and had furnished the apartment and paid for most of the groceries and all of the clothing for myself and child.  When I discovered late unpaid bills and an eviction notice, I was told it was my fault, that I had suggested that he didn't do anything, so he just didn't do anything.  If I voiced any discontent, I was told that I should GET OUT, that I "lived for free" and that he paid the rent so it was HIS apartment.  If I had a dime for every time that I heard that.... I felt utterly voiceless.  I stayed in the relationship for our child, but I was torn by the fact that she was learning how a woman "should" be treated and I didn't want her to have such a bad example.  And I also loved him... When I started to talk about some of the things that were happening in the relationship, my friends were horrified.  They and my family urged me to get away.  I even sought therapy for the first time in my life and was off the charts for emotional abuse.  My partner was completely disinterested at looking at his own behavior and continued to blame me, calling me controlling and not looking at myself.  So, helpless and hopeless and with the support of some friends, I left.  I filed for custody and child support and tried to keep contact with him to a minimum, because if I talked to him or spent time with him I would fall hopelessly back in love with him.  I loved him madly, deeply (and still do) even with all the difficulties.  He has a brilliant mind and creative spirit and had a great capacity to show love and attention when he wanted to.  He is charming, charismatic, and handsome.  I had grown to live for glimpses of this love.  And now that I am removed from the situation and am living on my own, providing for our child, I am left with all the nostalgia of the beautiful memories and the hopes that I had built for our family and relationship.  I have to see him occasionally for visitations and everytime I see him, I am devastated for days afterward.  I miss love in my life.  I miss having a warm body next to me in bed.  Our bodies fit so well and I loved being curled up together.  But I cannot even imagine someone else touching me.  I am still completely his...  He seems fine - he began seeing another woman, if not several other women, only days after I left.  He may have even met or had been looking before I left.  I feel crazy sometimes... How could I still have feelings for this person who has made it painfully clear that they do not care what I do or what happens to me.  That they have no feelings or love for me.  I felt crazy in the relationship too.  I know it takes time, especially since so much of my self-worth and confidence have been depleted.  Maybe I am too old-fashioned in thinking that having a family was important enough to work on our relationship and be kind and gentle with eachother to repair what was once a beautiful love story.  I feel guilty for filing legal papers, and he blames me for it too.  He even said that if I had not done that than we would've maybe had a shred of our relationship to hold on to.  But he was receiving gifts and emails from other women before I went to the courthouse.  But before I left, it was blamed on something else - if I had not traveled for work, if I had been more loving, if I had been more forgiving, etc... And somehow I felt that I was the only one who wanted to make our relationship better.  I asked him repeatedly to define what he wanted from us, what changes he wanted to see in the relation, but he could never communicate or define it.  I begged him "What are we going to do?"  And he replied "Let me think about it" and went to bed.  Then I was accused of not wanting to talk about the relationship.  I felt like I didn't have any other choice.  I was drowning in the relationship - losing myself and yet, I still imagine our times together and am lamenting our intimacy.  Is this normal after something so intense, or am I some rare case of confusion.

insight and validation would be appreciated...

Answer
Don't laminate on times that were unhappy. Thank god you were allowed to leave and not be taken out in a body bag which is what happens to most women who are in abusive relationships if they don't leave. You did this for you and your daughter who you didnt want seeing this happening. I would imagine making a life for you and your daughter because you have no reason to stay or even think of someone who can't treat you right especially being the mother of this man's child. If your family and friends have been pleading with you to leave that's because they're afraid of getting that phone call from the police saying they need someone to come and ID a body. If your partner was cheating openly and being brazen about it you don't need to be with him because he doesnt respect you and if the women he's involved with have no sense it will be a matter of time before they endure what you dealt with and they themselves will running for the door. Your self esteem and self worth will come back in time once you have been out of the relationship for some time. I would file legal papers to make sure he pays child support and because he was abusive he should not have contact with your child. Abusers feed on the weaknesses of the people they mistreat and abuse. You have to make things ok for the sake of your child you don't want to see her grow up and she's being abused by a man. You have to be strong and stable for her and to also make sure you're ok. Don't hold on to this garbage of a relationship it's only going to wear you down more in the long run. Focus on you and your child and getting on with your lives that's first and foremost of importance.