Expert: Nafeesah - 9/21/2008

Question
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, but I keep doubting that I did the right thing.  He is intelligent, talented, handsome, and the physical connection between us is very intense.  I haven't felt like I loved someone this much before.  However, he is disabled due to chronic pain and seems unmotivated to try to improve his condition.  He did not attempt to go to school or get a job the whole time that we dated, but he would talk about his future plans of doing so.  He does not take care of himself or his home and takes large amounts of pain medication.  I'm a rescuer type, so I would clean for him, shop for him, etc.  We had been together for 2 months when he started telling me that I was deeply depressed and needed serious therapy and antidepressants.  (I don't believe in taking medication unless absolutely necessary, so I was upset by this.) He said I had a lot of repressed rage (I do get angry with people sometimes, and I don't like to show it).  He also says I'm passive aggressive, negative, uptight, and selfish at various times.  But, he always compliments me extensively in front of people and when we're alone.  He would say that he's really proud of me, that I'm a wonderful person, that I have a lot of potential (I found that last one to be a little insulting.) He always wanted me to be with him and his family, but when he visited with my parents, he would act like he felt terribe (in pain) and give the appearance of having to make an effort.  He lies about very petty, minor things, which lessens my trust. He is manipulative with his mother, sister, and me, and I tried to point it out to him.  He says that he's just trying to tiptoe around the issues, so he won't upset me. When I look at it objectively, the answer is obviously to give up.  But, I start to doubt myself.  I enjoy being with him most of the time, and I feel so close to him.  But his biting comments really hurt.  Do I feel so attached because of love, or because I want to save him from his self destructiveness?  What if he's right, and I really am such a difficult person to be with?  Should I bother to try to work on things, or should I just stay away?  We are still talking and seeing each other on a platonic level, because neither one of us wants to completely let go.  I did start seeing a therapist occassionally to prove him wrong about the depression.  The problem is that I live in a small town, and she knows him from high school.  So, her opinion of him is already somewhat negative.  I don't have the finances to see anyone else at this time.  I've never had anyone be as sweet to me as he can be, or as spiteful.  Do I ignore the good things because of the bad aspects?  I feel very confused, and I'm obsessing about it a bit. Thanks for any help.

Answer
Anytime someone who constantly analyzes you and says you need to be on medication is abusive and the other behavior your boyfriend exhibited was abusive as well since he's manipulating you and his family. My ex did this to me when he said I had psychological issues when I don't have a history of mental illness. He basically praised me in front of his family and friends it was when we were alone that he abused me and sometimes if I stood up for myself in front of his friends he would fight back by publicly embarassing me in front of strangers and his friends to make himself feel better. If someone already has an opinion of your ex and it's not good that's a sign that he's probably abused someone before you.

One of the things many women don't pick up on when it comes to abuse both emotionally and psychologically is that abusers are manipulative and can be extremely charming which can throw people off about them learning the truth. I would really think about the fact that you made the right decision because it would have only gotten worse in the end if you didnt have the strength to leave. Plus I would be wary of someone who doesnt take care of himself and that's how my ex was he didnt take care of himself meaning going to get a physical or even seeing the dentist he had a mouth full of rotted teeth and cavities.

Speaking of talking future plans if your boyfriend spent just about the entire relationship talking about his future and what he wanted to do with it and had put no kind of effort towards making it happen you didnt need to be with him no way. My ex was like that and when I saw he wasnt making effort it was time for me to leave him. No woman should carry the relationship if the man isnt going to stand on his own two feet. Never ever clean his house, shop for groceries,cook his meals, pay his bills..etc. A grown man should be able to take care of himself if he's content on having you do it and won't consider you to be his wife send him back home to his mama.

You should be the one to step up and let HIM go because it's clear this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in and you don't deserve this type of man in your life. You need to be with someone who is going to treat you like you're the woman that you are. I wouldnt even consider a friendship with your ex because it's sending the wrong message that there's a chance to reconcile. You need to take some time out of dating and work on yourself and get your life back in order before you venture back out into dating again.

Having been single for 2 years has given me a sense of renewing myself as a woman. This has also given me time to re-examine what I need to look for in a suitable mate and what I won't tolerate in terms of behavior and other things. Keep in mind that you want to surround yourself with positive people and if a man can't be something that he plans on doing let him go. No loser is worth keeping around just to say you have someone......you deserve much more than that and never EVER settle for less.