Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/5/2008

Question
I have been dating and was once engaged to a guy that has done something that now I am put in a position to figure out the direction I should take.

We have faced issues with him cheating on me in the past.  Always with an excuse for his behavior.  First time was his friends fault, second time he was mad at me and the world.  

We broke up because of the cheating and stayed apart for about 9 months.  He came to me saying he had changed, knew what he did was wrong, promised to do better etc.  I ended up going back to give it another try.

During the time we were together the second time around, women that he had been sexual with during the time we were broken up continued to email with him.  One of the stipulations of being together was that due to the history of cheating, communicating with women behind my back, keeping them on the hook just in case, he had to stop communicating with them.  That it wasn't fair to keep emailing with women who were sending him love songs from you tube saying I love you.  That it wasn't fair to them, nor was it fair to me.  And it had to stop.  It didn't, so I left the relationship.   I stayed away again for about 6 months.  During this time he went to therapyto "change"  and do better in the relationship.   He made promises, he understood how wrong the things he did were and would never hurt me again like that.

I agreed to try one last time as long as he stop communicating with the former lovers.  I knew he had a habit of keeping them close just in case things didn't work out between us, it allowed him women to call up and go have casual sex with.  (he has done this)  So, he needed to put them all to rest.  No more keeping them around on the back burner.

He agreed happily.  I came back into the relationship.

Now, we got in a fight about something he said about one of the former lovers that was very graphic description of things he did with her.  It was at a moment where he was drinking and basically came out as bragging.  It hurt... really bad.  I told him nicely the next day that it hurt.  He told me how crazy I was, how childish I was being.  It meant nothing.   I told him it meant something to me.  It hurt and was inappropriate.  He got furious for me making something out of nothing.   We have been trying to work through that over the last couple of weeks.

Yesterday I find that concidentally when we got in the argument the former lover that had sent him the love songs sent him a joke.  She had been doing this for awhile trying to get him to "bite".  Up to now, he hadn't answered back. Once we got in a fight, he did.  She sent a joke, he answered.  Now there have been many exchanges.  Albeit simple ones like have a good weekend etc. there has started being exchanges.

When confronted about it, he answered by saying I was making a big deal out of nothing.  That she was not an issue.  I told him that wasn't the point to me.   It was a big deal, and an issue that he knew I left the relationship in the first place because of the continued communication with women he had been sexual with that just wouldn't go away and sent love notes.  That his continiuing to communicate was encouragement, and he shouldn't be encouraging women when in a relationship and talking about marriage.   He rolled his eyes, scoffed at me and told me I was ridiculuous.  Never said why he felt the need to do it (which I am sure was because he was mad at me so he felt entitled... just like he justified cheating in the past when he was mad).  And moreover, never said he was sorry.   Just continues to say I am crazy, making something out of nothing and she is not an issue.

Now I am facing that I told him if he continued this behavior, I would walk away.  I don't have a problem with him having female friends.  I have male friends.   however, I do feel it is wrong to do so when you have confirmed word of mouth that she is in love with you, wants you to choose to be with her and when you get in a fight with your girlfriend you drop her an note to strike up a conversation and therefore bring a 3rd party into the relationship in some fashion.  Especially when you have a pattern of cheating.

Am I being ridiculuous as he says?   I feel that he was given an opportunity to bring me back into the relationship with the agreement that this not happen again.  First fight... he does it again.  Sounds to me like he had no respect for my wishes and no fear that I would really do more than complain.

????

Answer
Marcia, no, you are not being ridiculous, just very trusting even in the face of adequate evidence that your trust is being misplaced.

I don't believe this man wants to hurt you.  He might really want to keep his promises to you. But it is possible that he has a problem with fidelity, and promiscuity.  Such problems are indicative of deeper issues he could be having with himself; especially issues of insecurity rooted in childhood experiences.

Just as you are the product of your past experiences, so is he.  Had you, for example, developed a greater degree of self-confidence, and a healthier sense of your intrinsic worth, you would not have been having these problems.  You would have learned your lesson the first time he played around in the relationship.  Perhaps -- perhaps, you might have given him a second chance.  And that is a big "perhaps".  But once you realized that philandering was a problem of his, with your healthy sense of self, you would have walked away and not look back.

This is a game being played by two persons with self esteem problems, each manifesting their poor self concept differently.

You are not his problem, just as he is not yours.  You both are like mirrors in this relationship, reflecting back to each other the choices each is making.  If you don't like the outcome of your choices, that is, the quality of experiences they bring into your life, take time out to find out more about why you are making choices that bring you pain.

Much of the unhappiness people bring into their lives results from their looking to another for happiness.  No person out there can make you happy.  Inner satisfaction comes from the way you think, and order your life.

Look up the term, "codependence" on the Internet.   See if this information helps you understand more clearly why you are creating this unhappiness in your life.  Could it be that you feel so empty you are looking to this man to make you feel adequate?  If this is so, you are placing your feelings of wellbeing at his mercy.

Learn, and grow.  Be willing to change the way you do things if learning new information reveals that your behavior is responsible for the painful experiences you are having.

You cannot change another.  You also cannot force another to structure their behavior to please you.   Sooner or later the person will want to do things their way.

The man does not owe you a thing.  He has his life to live as he chooses to live it.  You could accept what he brings into your life, or say, 'no thank you', and choose not to have a relationship with him.

His problems are about himself and the kind of influences that played on his mind and made their impact on him as he grew up.

Habit is a difficult thing to break, especially when the habit involves sexual behavior in a person who feels good about himself only when he is making sexual conquests.

Let me repeat, you cannot change this man.  You can however change the way you allow his behavior to impact on you.  You can convince yourself that your importance as a person is intrinsic.  Your worth in no way is dependent on what he brings into your life.  Your worth is inviolable.

Look at the relationship you have had with this man to see what it was meant to teach you; and if you do not need to go through those experiences again, it is up to you to leave the relationship.

This is the clearest way I know, Marcia, to say that we are responsible for the types of relationship we engage in, because what we do is our choice.

Blessings.

Dr. ES