Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have always felt that I was an intelligent, independant woman. Life has not been so kind to me in the last few years and I don't feel as confidant as I used to be. I was married to a wonderful man who gave me so much confidance and love. Unfortunately, I fell out of love after 12 years and left. The men I dated after him were all liars and cheaters. My most recent experience has changed me completely. I started dating someone that seemed to be my equal. We had so many things in common. Not long did I realize that he was also a liar. He had lied about his whereabouts and wouldn't answer his phone at night. We would break up and get back together after promising that he will stop going to his ex's house, even though they're not sleeping together. His problem is that he's not comfortable at his new roommate's house. He would rather go channel surfing on his ex gf's couch since he's more comfortable there. Because of his dishonesty, I tried playing detective. It backfires when he finds out and, after drinks one night, he starts choking me in the bar parking lot and slams me on a car. He's apologetic the next day but I won't talk to him. Days later, we talk and I give him another chance. More verbal abuse during a snow trip with his friends a few months later and which makes me think that it was an obvious mistake. He says he's stressed because of money. I catch him again, going to his ex's house. Months go by and I date someone else. That doesn't work out and he comes back saying all the sweet things to make me think it will work again. We date again until one day, he has a very stressful work day. We are leaving that night for a weekend getaway. His anxiety doesn't go away as he yells about ridiculous things all night long. I finally get fed up and throw a glass of water at him at the bar and then walk out the door. He comes out a few min later and goes to the car. First, he says how humiliating he felt after I left and then chokes me once again and slams me on the ground. He ends up hitting my car window and slicing his hand open. Cops and ambulance come and take him to the hospital. Later I hear that I'm the bad one for not taking him to the hospital. I won't accept any of his calls and text messages for months. He would try to contact me every day, literally. One day, I finally give in. It's my birthday and I think, he's just trying to say Happy Birthday. We go to lunch and start things slow. He's realized what a jerk he is and how he's ruined things. I am weak, once again. There were definite verbally abusive arguments; not making his sandwiches properly, receiving a call from a co-worker after 2 years, and other things that would start the name-calling once again. Now, when the arguments start, he corners me and I feel violated. I START FIGHTING BACK. I have had it and have slapped and punched him multiple times. Of course, this leads to him pushing and strangling me back. The cops have been to my house numerous times and I have broken up with him for good this time. He knows that it's over. I tell him he's lucky that I was around for this long and he responds by saying "is that why you walk around like you do?" This man calls me a f*** bitch during every argument and puts his head inches away from mine. I've been here off and on for 1.5 years. His hands have been on my throat more than 3 times. He says he has never mentally abuse me and that I have done it to him because, now, I'm finally angry. How do I get him out of my life and stop coming around? BUT, sometimes I wonder what he's doing and would be jealous if he was pursuing someone else. WHY!?

ANSWER: Dear Kim,
I am so sorry to hear of the circumstances that you find yourself in. This kind of relationship is so destructive, but it sounds as though you have made some very good decisions here.  No matter what you have been told, you are a very smart, articulate woman.  Abusers have a special knack for manipulation and can be very convincing in their criticism.

As human beings, we are created to believe the best about others.  When it comes to someone we find ourselves caring about, we never want to believe that they are treating us with such disregard.  However in relationships of this kind, the closest thing I can give you as an example is to relate what is happening here to a gambling addiction.  The strongest addiction that we can have as human beings is an addiction where the payoff comes at intermittent times and in varying amounts.  That is why sitting at a slot machine and gambling in general is so addictive.  In relationships, the payoff is love and love is something that we cannot live without.  The abuser will "pay off" with what seems like loving behavior at intermittent times and in varying amounts.  This keeps hope alive and keeps the victim stringing along until the relationship becomes so destructive that someone has to leave or is severely injured.  

The typical pattern of abusive behavior is to blame someone else, make someone else responsible for the abuser's behavior.  If the abuser does not get professional help, the situation will continue to escalate and the abusive behaviors will continue to become more violent. This relationship has escalated to the point where you both are battering each other and that is not healthy or safe for either of you.  This man is using life threatening behavior as a means to resolve conflict which is a considerable red flag.  He is dangerous and he has broken several laws in his treatment of you.

No matter what he says, he has abused you physically, verbally and emotionally.  You would be very wise to walk away from this man and not ever look back again.  Don't contact him, don't respond to his attempts to contact you.  If you have to change your phone number, do so.

I would strongly encourage you to begin working with an abuse counselor in order to recover from the treatment you have received.  Your counselor will be able to help you let go and deal with any jealousy you might feel about this guy.  Anyone this person gets into a relationship with deserves your sympathy rather than your jealousy.  There is nothing here to be jealous of...he will treat the next person in the same way he has treated you because the problem lies with him rather than with the women he gets involved with.  

This is absolute, textbook abuse and the first thing you should do is run, not walk away from this man and the second thing would be to quickly find a counselor and begin working on the issues that drew you into this relationship.  Once you have crossed the physical boundaries, you can become at risk for legal action (depending on the laws in your area).  

I hope I have been able to answer your question with some relevant information.  This has been a very difficult situation for you and I wish you well as you make the decisions you need to make in order to heal and be safe.  If I can be of further assistance to you, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your rapid response. It has helped me feel that I am doing the right thing by not responding to him. He has harassed me with his obsessive calling and texting. When we talk, we still argue (which is why I stopped responding). I've changed my number and he's upset because he realizes he won't be able to communicate with me and that doesn't help him move on with his life. He can't eat or sleep. He wants me as a friend. I don't work that way and would rather cut the ties. How do I get him to understand this when we are both wired so differently?

Answer
Dear Kim,
I am glad that I was able to help and to clarify for you.  Sometimes that is half the battle, isn't it?  You are doing the things that you need to do and I applaud you for your courage to continue to honor yourself.

More than likely, you are not going to be able to make him understand.  It would be nice if these things fell into a neat and tidy box, that there was mutual understanding and an amicable parting of the ways.  When you have someone who is suffering with mental illness or even a strong need to control their world, they will never see things the way you do.  This is evidenced by your comment that when you still talk, you argue.  He isn't going to see things your way because you are rapidly moving into the place where he can't control you and that is scary for him.  He needs to control his world so if you are a part of his world on any level, he will seek to control you.  Until he gets some help for himself, that is the dynamic that will play out over and over.

The best thing that you can do is just walk away, whether he understands or not.  No matter what you do, you are going to be the bad guy, so you might as well do what is right for you and have him be angry than do what he wants and have him be mad at you.  His inability to sleep or eat is his issue, not yours.  That is the problem here.  He wants to make you responsible for what is happening in his life rather than taking responsibility for it himself.  His reactions are symptoms of deeper problems within his own heart and have nothing to do with you or anyone else.  He needs to get professional help.

One thing that you need to understand is that every time you get back in touch with him, it communicates hope to him which starts the process over and hurts him more. He will continue to try to contact you if he believes there is hope.  You have to take responsibility for making the decision to break it off and then walk away.  It sounds as though you are doing that, I simply want to encourage you to continue, for both your sakes.

My thoughts are with you and I bless you as you make your decisions each day.  May you continue to be filled with wisdom and have the courage of your convictions.

Blessings,  Kriss